kill them, kill them all!

A dead gnat just fell on me. Dropped dead while flying and fell on me. Am I killing them by mind power now? If so, that’d ROCK. I could rent myself out as a bug killer and just sit there reading or napping or stealing wireless internet service and get paid for it.

Wouldn’t you know it? I’m meditating last night, using my prayer beads and instead of my usual mantra, I’m saying, “I humbly bow to God.” Given all the baggage that clings to that word and my feeling that deities are aspects of the Divine and not the ultimate expression of the Divine, a few beads in, I switched to, “I humbly bow to all that is.” Acceptance of reality and my place in it and all that good stuff.

So I’m breathing calmly and smiling and repeating that and images are coming into my head for each bead. Images of deities, the Earth, animals, food, people, the ocean, everything that makes up “all that is.” And sure enough, one of the damn gnats swims into my head. So I humbly bowed to the little f’er and knew my gnaticide was at an end.

I’ve been at work for two and a half hours and haven’t seen a single gnat.

During a conversation about a friend’s alcoholic father, I clapped my hands on one of the little bastards that was floating aimlessly between us, said, “Sorry about the flying thingies” and nodded sympathetically to indicate that she should continue.

Maddening.

You people know me. I’m a vegetarian, practically a vegan. I’m not a violent person. But enough is enough.

THE FREAKING ANNOYING FREAKING GNATS THAT HAVE FREAKING INVADED MY OFFICE AND HAVE FREAKING WELL CAUSED ME TO FLIP NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE FREAKING COFFEE STIRRERS OUT OF MY FREAKING COFFEE MUG TO GOD KNOWS WHERE WHILE TRYING TO SMASH THEM BETWEEN MY HANDS, PROBABLY CAUSING MY FREAKING PRINTER TO FREAKING WELL STOP WORKING THIS MORNING, AND NO DOUBT CONVINCING MY COWORKERS THAT I’VE DEVELOPED SOME SORT OF FREAKING CRAZY FREAKING TIC,

must die. All of them. So far the body count is six. Only 3,685 to go.