do something i wouldn't normally do

This time it was worth it.

Want to be normal again.

I told my sister I’d go to this country western bar with her. That’s definitely not something I’ve ever done before, but I thought, hey, it would be something different at least. And I could laugh (on the inside) about all those guys in tight jeans and cowboy hats and boots. (Sorry Flirt! I can see why some women think it’s cute, though.) But I chickened out. Called her at the last minute and said no. She was mad. Told me she’s not ever inviting me anywhere again. You see? I try to be social but sometimes I just can’t go through with it. Oh well. Maybe next time something that doesn’t stretch my comfort zone so far.

Just for the record.

I’ve certainly not done that before, but I’m kind of nervous just thinking about all those people (3 or 4 hundred, I’ve heard). I do like to give myself a push once in a while to expand my comfort zone, and I’m usually not sorry I did, but it’s still a bit stressful (in a mixed good and bad way). I love to dance, but I like it more when I’m by myself or only with a few people I know.

A man asked if he could take my photograph today. And I told him yes!

Also, he was from the newspaper!

Also, I talked to lots of people I didn’t know today, and they were all so nice. It was a great day. I did get off to a little bit of a rocky start by telling somebody no when they asked me to join their table, but I was just more comfortable at my own table. I tried to be nice about it and talked to them just fine from where I was sitting at my own table. They just asked me too quickly for my own comfort. Like seconds after they met me! I must be likeable after all, because somebody else I didn’t know (but talked to at length today) told me I was sweet and warm. I felt really good about that since my best friend dumped me yesterday for not being sweet and warm. But you know what, I have come to the conclusion that she’s not very damn sweet and warm to dump me on the day I am visiting my dying grandmother. I can’t stand it when people have such a double standard. I’m supposed to give her everything and yet I can’t expect anything in return. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to go into that. I guess it’s bothering me more than I let on to myself. But nevermind. It was a great day!

My mom just bought a Harley Davidson! She proudly showed me her first muffler burn. And so I’m thinking . . . yes, I need to learn how to ride it. Definitely not something I would ordinarily do. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I get a helmet first! But I’m not learning from her, because she doesn’t know much herself yet. I think I’ll get her big scary biker guy friend to teach me. (His name is Chaos, lol.) And you know I’ll post a photo of that. It will probably be the back of his bald head, with its devil tattoo, as he wisks me away into the sunset.

Okay, so I called Travis and we talked about hanging out so I think I can cross this off (thank god).. But, I sort of want to do it again. See, this thing happens where I get really shy around these boys. I know they are at least kind of interested in me, yet I still get too scared to make any sort of move. This is dumb. I recently have been looking back on past relationships with boys and how I can’t even encourage them to make a move, really. I don’t know. It’s dumb and something I should get over.. But, like right now this boy I like is online and I want to talk to him and I have something planned out in my head to say to him, but then I worry once it gets past that there will be nothing else and it scares me. This is where I go wrong and it’s dumb of me, but I still can’t bring myself to hit enter.

(and I know internet anxieties are kind of lame and like, high schoolish, but I’m nineteen and I think they still apply..)

I called him once. He didn’t answer. I realized he was still in class and I think his phone was off. So, after I knew he was done with class I called him again. He still didn’t answer his phone. I don’t think it still counts, but I do think it was a good step in this. At least it’s forward movement.

So, I’m thinking I am going to call my friend and see if he wants to watch a movie tonight. We sort of discussed it last night. All I have to do is pick up my phone and dial and hit go, then I’m committed and I will stop thinking about it. Ohh man.