feel better

I have nothing. I hate everything. I hate myself and every last thing about me. I don’t have trust left, I don’t have love left, I don’t have passion left, and at times I don’t even have anger left. I’m just absorbed in this anguish and disability to feel any attachment to anything new. I’ve had this problem for years, its reoccurring. Sometimes even when nothing has happened. But I’m ready to be okay again. I’m sick of feeling like this. I entertain myself with little things that make me feel better for a few minutes. I have my favorite songs, I have my best friend, I have animal crossing. But like I said, it’s all temporary and conditional. I will feel better. I need to. I will like myself.

Bad allergies…every day is a struggle. There must be something to lessen the symptoms and have more energy

It’s been a week and a half after the car accident and I am really happy that we went to the cabin last weekend, I needed to relax and breathe a bit. My family took such good care of the bugs while I laid around and licked my wounds. The crash rattled me a little more than I thought it did, nightmares and panic attacks… plus my body needing healing (bruised ribs etc) Car is dead and gone. Goodbye car. No money to get a new one but we are looking anyway. I miss my freedom. That car was my freedom. Stuck at home, while I wait for my body to heal, trying my best with the girls… it gets better day by day.

And for the real reason I made this goal… well… um, I never really did stop bleeding. I started spotting again the day after the accident, I almost cried I was so frustrated. .. And to top it all off my period started again yesterday. That is a whole month of on and off bleeding, no wonder I feel like crap. I have stopped taking the pill and have made an appointment to get and IUD… see this goal.

Two days ago I finally stopped spotting. Seriously, what was up with that? ...a two and a half week period?

Anyway, yesterday started by being a beautiful day, my body didn’t feel like it was stuffed with rotting fish, my girls where being really good. They even let me sleep in a little. They have had really wicked diaper rash that has just started clearing up. I decided to run up to the family’s house because our internet was out, and I needed to do some shopping (Shopping, well anything, is really hard to do with twins so I thought I could have my sisters help). They said they could watch my little bugs while I ran to the store to pick up some diapers. Well… I didn’t quite make it. Got into a wreck. The car is pretty beat up. I know it wasn’t my fault (the driver of the other car failed to yield), but the cop was getting in my face about how I must have been going a little to fast and he could measure the skid marks9he never did), and that for the damage I did I must have been going blah blah speed… Well, I checked and the speed limit was 40. I’m not sure how fast I was going but I know it wasn’t more that 45. He didn’t have any idea what the speed limit was because he was like… if you where going 35 this wouldn’t have happened blah blah… The limit was 40, and yeah, I was going fast enough, the speed limit, to smash into the other car and do that amount of damage. Anyway the hub is mad, not at me, but mad. We are trying to work everything out… Money was already really thin.

It just sucks, you know? Things where looking really good. I was finally feeling better, my babies where feeling better…. now my arms are beat up, and my neck hurts and the crash is replaying itself over and over again. I guess I will be keeping this goal up a bit more…

I am glad that the little ones weren’t in the car and no one was seriously hurt. I don’t know what I would have done if I had caused someone’s death… I can’t even go there.

Sorry boys… girl stuff – feel free not to read.

I just started taking the Pill again and my body it trying to kill me! First – about 2-3 weeks of cramps. Then – my period, which sucked… but even suckier, it has continued into this week and is not slowing down. I feel gross, moody, tired, crampy, and just sick. Blah blah blah… It hasn’t been that long since I started having periods after the girls. I think they where 9 months old when they came back, (18 months without a period was very very nice) but this is the first one while back on the Pill and it suckth greatly.

Anybody have any secret remedies, potions, or chants? to make a poor girl feel better? My aunt Flow has definitely overstayed her visit this month.

I’m not really sure what I meant to accomplish when I added this goal. All I know is that for the past year or so, I’ve been feeling…bad. I wish I had a more descriptive word, but “bad” sums everything up. I don’t think I’m depressed but my bad days definately outweigh my good days. I feel sick, tired, lonely, unaccomplished, and frustrated most of the time. I need some kind of spiritual intervention. Hmm…
(pic from http://media.photobucket.com/image/alone/petitebom/DSC05250.jpg?o=63)

lately I have been pretty down. Not quite depressed, but sure getting there. I feel off now, and I cannot seem to shake that feeling. I no longer feel like myself. I hate it. I want to be happy again, or at least okay.

i really want to do that because since u broke up with my ex my familly keeps bothering me out

now I feel a lot happier. I took lunch break, stopped brooding about my problems (which seemed catastrophically gigantic for some reason before, but now just seem like minor hiccups. I love max. I know he’s not perfect, I know I’m not perfect, but the way to be compatible forever is to try and get over quarrels and such.
All I had to do, I guess, was hang out with Kathryn and Laura and stress out about Life After College, and suddenly life once again seems like a hilariously pointless farce that I may as well just enjoy for what it’s worth and not get upset when minor things happen.

I love max. I’m not ticked off at him anymore, I know he tends to be overly dramatic but that sometimes makes me feel special and important and so isn’t such a big deal.
I am happier.

still miserable… I should try to channel this into something productive