decide

I just finished my MEd and I think I want to go back to school for what I reallly like.

Cultural Anthropology.

MA in ?
PHD?

Am I just crazy?

I guess the original idea emerged after not having worked for over a week. After having a usual crappy day at work yesterday I can’t see how another day could make things easier nor me any happier. It will just mean that the sick, dread, stressy feeling I have which begins the day before my work day and continues whilst at work will just be doubled and for what?? Half a day to do housework without distraction. I’m having difficulty now seeing the benefits of this arrangement.

I have set the wheels in motion. Both options made me want to puke, but I am a bit relieved to stop using so much energy waffling every two hours and over-analyzing the ramifications.

Stay and teach in Chicago, or move and teach in Austin.

Familiar. Unknown. What if I don’t like Austin? I have been wanting to move back to Texas eventually. I guess I have to find out if I like it sometime.

Friends. Family. Will I lose my support network if I go? Will I be horribly lonely? Will my relationship with my family improve if I am closer?

New relationship. Long-distance. I am willing to keep trying, and he will consider moving to Austin someday, but he has obligations here for a couple of years. Should I stay here for something quite meaningful and promising, but only a few months along? Will it survive separation?

Certificate is harder to earn here, but it means one from Texas won’t suffice if I want to come back. Cross that bridge if I come to it? Recognize that teaching is not the only job in Chicago if I return?

And the new jobs start June 9, so I’ve got to get the logistics rolling if I go.

What feels like the hardest decision of my life….

He listened to the whole story (not used to people listening to me, it was an odd and refreshing feeling)

He said he thought the best thing would be to suck it up and go back to NYC. It sounded to him like it was too hard getting into another program, and when it was all said and done, in two years, I’d have a Master’s in Anesthesia and that I could sit for boards with that.

He’s impartial, and very smart, so I listened to what he said.

he also said he thought I was self-sabotaging.
I have to mull this over…It’s a big fish to swallow.

Could it be true?
Hmmmm

I have an interview at another ICU that’s supposedly one of the best hospitals in the Bay Area, and pays way better than my hospital…

I received my NY state license in the mail.

We’re thinking on making a bit of a change to our weekly routine.
Basically I need time. Time to myself. Time to catch up with jobs without interference.
The only way this can happen is if I work a bit more to fund it. So, the possible plan is that I work another day at the (hohum) bank and have half a day free. This would mean the twins would go to creche for 2.5 days a week and Liam would go for one day (plus his 2 days at school).
I’d have Tuesday mornings until 1pm free which would be sooo helpful in stabilising my sanity! However, I don’t like the idea of that extra day at the bank, the stress that arises from getting everyone ready so early in the morning or the fact it is one less day to be doing the bit of housework I can get done with the boys around.
Today I will call creche to see if I could get them in – I probably won’t be able to anyway but can put them on the waiting list.
Hmmmm….what to do, what to do….

We’ve decided to split up. I’m very sad, but it had to be decided. As hopeful as I’ve been for 2.5 years about having a future together, I really don’t think we do. He said we don’t this morning. Now I will work to get done what must be done, and keep sculpting my life the way I want it to be.

No details, sorry. Not for now, at least.