decide

I did. I’m not happy at the moment, but I will be.

September. Do I want to a.) stay here in this city I am just getting to know (and kind of really enjoy!) or b.) go on exchange to the east coast and probably end up living in the dorms there.

I am torn between the experience and the weighty issue of growing up. Going on exchange offers a really good opportunity to live somewhere else, which I have really wanted to do for a few years now. It basically sets everything up and makes it easy and temporary if thats what I decide I want. And I can keep going to school. But, on the other hand I am starting to really like it here. I like the program I’m currently in and I feel like there are good people in my classes that I want to pursue relationships with. I haven’t enjoyed school for almost as long as I can remember. But I am right now. What if I mess up the combination I have going for me right now? On top of that it would be good to get a job here and have some time to get bored/comfortable in a place. But I’m also still young, and do I really want that?

I could ask question after question, and I change my mind numerous times within a 24 hour period. I am just unsure…. I don’t want to think about it in terms of “what if..” I want it to be a positive decision where I actually want something more than the other. I just don’t know what yet.

a little while ago, someone challenged me to do something..
something that I have done before, but that time it didn’t turn out too well… in fact .. I got really hurt in the process, and have taken a long time to recover.
question…
do I want to set myself up for another chance to be hurt, or do I see if I can get past this and …
well I can’t say without going into detail about what this is all about..
and I don’t want to do that
I’ don’t think either way the decision would be wrong…
just.. maybe
wrong for me

I was going to move to the states earlier to work and marry to my fiance. While I was still waiting for my visa here in Japan, my ex left me for another girl. We had been together for 4 years and used to live together. We were in a long distance relationship and both thought that we were doing great. But all of a sudden, it changed. He was under too much pressure with his career, family and just his living situation and stuff, and at the same time he cheated on me. It has still been only a few weeks since he left me. and yesterday, I heard from the company in the states that they heard back from the immigration about my visa. I’m not sure if I still want to move to America on my own to start my new life without him. He is moving to the other state because of his job but his new gf is still in a same city. I really need to sit down and think about what I really want to do. If I decided to take the opportunity then it has to be my decision. I need to do it for myself. I keep thinking why i didnt hear this great news a month ago. oh well, everything happens for a reason. yeah I know that…

I just finished my MEd and I think I want to go back to school for what I reallly like.

Cultural Anthropology.

MA in ?
PHD?

Am I just crazy?

I guess the original idea emerged after not having worked for over a week. After having a usual crappy day at work yesterday I can’t see how another day could make things easier nor me any happier. It will just mean that the sick, dread, stressy feeling I have which begins the day before my work day and continues whilst at work will just be doubled and for what?? Half a day to do housework without distraction. I’m having difficulty now seeing the benefits of this arrangement.

I have set the wheels in motion. Both options made me want to puke, but I am a bit relieved to stop using so much energy waffling every two hours and over-analyzing the ramifications.

Stay and teach in Chicago, or move and teach in Austin.

Familiar. Unknown. What if I don’t like Austin? I have been wanting to move back to Texas eventually. I guess I have to find out if I like it sometime.

Friends. Family. Will I lose my support network if I go? Will I be horribly lonely? Will my relationship with my family improve if I am closer?

New relationship. Long-distance. I am willing to keep trying, and he will consider moving to Austin someday, but he has obligations here for a couple of years. Should I stay here for something quite meaningful and promising, but only a few months along? Will it survive separation?

Certificate is harder to earn here, but it means one from Texas won’t suffice if I want to come back. Cross that bridge if I come to it? Recognize that teaching is not the only job in Chicago if I return?

And the new jobs start June 9, so I’ve got to get the logistics rolling if I go.

What feels like the hardest decision of my life….

He listened to the whole story (not used to people listening to me, it was an odd and refreshing feeling)

He said he thought the best thing would be to suck it up and go back to NYC. It sounded to him like it was too hard getting into another program, and when it was all said and done, in two years, I’d have a Master’s in Anesthesia and that I could sit for boards with that.

He’s impartial, and very smart, so I listened to what he said.

he also said he thought I was self-sabotaging.
I have to mull this over…It’s a big fish to swallow.

Could it be true?
Hmmmm

I have an interview at another ICU that’s supposedly one of the best hospitals in the Bay Area, and pays way better than my hospital…