stop automatic negative thoughts

I guess I’m getting better and better at this. When I have negative thoughts I automatically remove them and replace with something positive. Just like that!

I think I am in awareness now of the negative (primarily “worrying”) thoughts. I catch myself, and in most cases, especially during the day, stop myself or try to redirect these thoughts. Not sure if they will every completely stop happening but maybe I’ll be able to catch them even faster or resist the allure of negative reveries.

In short, it takes a while to make progress on this goal, and takes daily work, but it can happen.

Just like eating or exercising. I really tried to stay aware of negative thoughts and then do the various techniques to combat them (replace with positive though, breathing techniques, or getting up and moving around).

It goes up and down and up and down. I’m really glad for the ups. And the downs I will take care of one by one. Like other things I keep thinking there is a time when it will all be “fixed.” But it’s another thing to accept that it’s a daily battle.

This seems to have applications local and global:

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

- Norman Vincent Peale

is a scary place, and they make it very hard to find the exit door there. I’ve been stuck there for a few days, but at the moment I seem to have escaped into the light.

I haven’t really done anything differently, but I have talked my way out of this one (this time) by really facing that my Thoughts have such an influence how I feel. The Thoughts being Worried Ideas, the Fears, and the What-Ifs that like to plague us. They come from a place of protection, but I end up dwelling on them, and actually trying to “solve” them with my brain. But there is no solution.

I guess it might also be folly to think there is a ‘permanent’ change that can happen. Again, that is focused on an outcome, which is one of the channels or bifurcations in the dark place. So even that is something to let go of!

I’m very focused on my skin right now. It’s getting better (from this exacerbation) but slowly. In the meantime, I know I keep thinking about it, even if I’m not thinking about it (because I’m FEELING it. I feel like I’m wrapped in an elephant’s hide!).

I know I need to change my focus, but this is so hard. Much harder than it is for so-called “rational” things because it’s so automatic – so basic.

I do some work for a bit, get absorbed, but as soon as that passes, it’s back to this. How to break the hold on my brain????

So far I’ve been making myself aware of negative or worrying thoughts. But as I work through those, or start to recognize them faster, I’ve discovered there is a more subtle layer of hidden thoughts, or, rather emotions, that are even more automatic. In fact, they’re not even reactionary, they’re just THERE.

These emotions (so much connected to how I’m feeling, or other things that have been going on for years) are even harder to tackle.

I’m staying late the office this evening to work on my homework. I’m very nervous about it for reasons I’ve outlines before (previously – difficult academic experience and currently – putting a lot of pressure on this one!)

So I’m here FIGHTING with myself against all these automatic reflexes: anxiety, itching, eating, being on the internet (obviuosly) – in turns. I’ve been working for about 2 hours and I am acutely aware of what I keep doing to derail and distract myself.

It’s exhausting. But I guess this is the real thing – the battle of wits has begun.

These items are harder to face. They are such ingrained habits, and it’s like holding up a mirror to something I don’t want to see.

I am telling myself to STOP:

1. Surfing the internet in extended periods – ostensibly for self-improvement, but really continuing to focus on negative perceptions of yourself. (lookign up diet tricks, clutter tips, procrastination hints, eczema and anxiety help).

2. Looking in the mirror during the day. The eczema has not gone away, you still look the same. (And you can put on moisturizer without it.)

3. Stop eating or drinking instead of DOING – whatever you’re supposed to be doing but you’re scared of starting. Just take a deep breath and DO IT rather than not doing it and then getting mad at yourself for eating.

4. Scratching when you’re anxious. Stop being anxious first, and then stop the scratching.

5. Using your boyfriend for positive reinforcement. You have a WONDERFUL relationship with a loving, sweet, creative, caring, soulful, talented, unconventional, accepting man. So accept it – and
a. don’t RUIN it by blaming him for not meeting your
expectations, which are really obstacles created by your
worry or b. use his company or the relationship as ‘proof’
that things are going right in your life.

This is TOUGH! But I hope it will be useful (of course one of my automatic worries is whether or not it will help, and how long will it take etc. Oy! So not the point!)

I was in a pretty bad swirl of things since yesterday afternoon.

It started because the plans I had with S to celebrate his birthday got derailed due unforeseen changes in his week, through a bunch of emails he got. He needed to do work instead of hang out. I was disappointed of course, which is fine, but worse is that I started feeling a bit anxious. And the anxious feeling just mounted til the evening because in my mind I start wondering whether this is always going to happen, and will I be able to handle it, and if this was my house I would just do my own thing, etc. Also, time is going by, and it’s going to be the time to leave or work, or generally stop hanging out.

We got some Chinese takeout, I gave him presents, and then he had to go into the studio and practice. I was going to stay and do my homework, but then I felt caught being staying and at least being in the house with him, and going home. I knew I would end up doing no work there, but at least I would be in MY apartment. So I left, but it didn’t feel good.

By the time I got home I was itchy from my eczema, feeling bad, yuck. Just lay on the couch and watched TV til I fell asleep, woke up itchy and wide awake at 4 am til about 5:15, when I got myself to relax. Woke up feeling AWFUL. Mentally and physically.

I got up and wrote it all down, all the swirling thoughts. After I did that I was at least able to kick things into gear and get showered and ready for work. But I feel like I could have avoided all the bad feelings about things somehow :(