get more out of life

I JUST WANT TO BE FREE OF WORRYING ALL THE TIME. I WORRY ABOUT MONEY ALL THE TIME. I NEED MORE AND I JUST DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GET IT. RIGHT NOW I NEED 2 MONTHS MORTGAGE PAYMENT. I THINK ABOUT BILLS ALL THE TIME, I WANT TO END THIS NIGHTMARE OF WORRY. I HAVE A PRETTY DECENT JOB AND 2 CHILDREN BUT THE BILLS ARE NEVERENDING. WE DO NOT LIVE ABOUT OUR MEANS…

I have been feeling down lately. There has got to be more out of life then this. THis is my attempt to step away from an unhappy life, the dark side as i call it and move to the light. There comes a time in a persons life where they must take responsibility for their happiness..dam it…its time and I am taking it.

It’s funny that I never realized how I was doing so much for others and so little for myself. Saying no to others when I know they have other options but it’s always just easy for them to come to me, has freed up more time for me which is great! I’ve done more in the last 2 weeks than I’ve probably done in 2 months before. I know there’s still more room for me to work on other areas before I feel I can freely start feeling more and enjoying others more, but I”m definitly walking in the right direction now!

The very sudden and tragic death of my daughter-in-law slammed this into me last month. I really need to get more out of life everyday. It really is the little things that add up with those big life moments that make us real. I’ve looked back over the goals I had before this happened. Not all bad, but not all ‘real’ either. I look back on everything that has happened and that I’ve done since that horrible phone call and see how easy it was for me to assume a role rather than feel. The first 2 weeks I very rarely let the pain in, I was too busy being the strong mom for my son and helping him through all the things that needed to be done. 22 years old is to young to be making the decisions and feeling the pain that he has had to do. (Just typing that still makes me cry). I even had logged on here once a few days after it happened because the link was in my email and I was just on auto-pilot. We really don’t know when the last moment we will be with someone we love or even our own comes so I want to know I’m happy with the way I leave others and myself. She was cycling, something she loved, when she was taken from us, but there was also so much she was doing that weren’t things that were bringing smiles to her face. I’m not talking about everyday life, I’m talking about things we do to please others. The choices we make without thinking through their consequences on how they affect others. I don’t know how to express it all, because I know I’m not done feeling it all. But this is a good start for me.
And so, I”m not leaving this site, I’m not becoming drastic and saying I should be out living instead of on the computer, etc., because I believe in balance. Plus this will help me reflect on what I want to do, where I want to be and to remember to stop and not just smell the roses, but take a pic of the awesome dragonfly visiting it.

it comes once, so live it