Write down what have changed into me since 2004

Well, that’s it. It goes with joy : when I like something I get enthusiastic and I want to deepen it.

hi wat u up to???nothin hasn’t changed for me lol

Well, that’s it, I am, mostly, joyfull. I believe I used to be mostly, erm, sad would be too big a word, but something like that, with moments of joy. And now it’s exactly the contrary…

I used to try to control everything (which is also why I didn’t forget anything). That is to say, I often “forced” things. Decisions to make, things I absolutely had to do, stuff like that.

Now when I feel I can’t control something (because there are too many factors to take into account, because there are too many things I don’t and can’t know) I just let go and let the Universe decide. In particular, when there’s a decision to make that I’m just not ready to make, or that I can’t make because a choice is too hard, I just wait for the decision to be ready to be taken. And untill now it has always been working very, very well. The good decision has always been made, in its time.

I used to remember everything. Every thing that happened, every date, every thing I had ever lived.

And then a few months back people started to tell me about things we had lived together, and I just had no memory at all about what they were evoking. Game we played when we were young, guy I had seen during a few months two years ago, stuff like that. No memory at all.

I first thought I was getting old, losing neurons or something. But then I prefer to think that my mind is letting go. That I’m no longer keeping things there’s no need to keep. And I like that. I’m letting go.

I spoke with a friends a few weeks ago, she said that her friend usually ask her when they forget a detail about something they lived together. She said she was tired about remembering everything, from every point of vue ; she said she was tired to be a hard disk.

That’s it. I used to be a hard disk but now the hard disk sometimes erases stuff that are useless. Good !

A few months ago, A. reminded me that when we met, in 2003, I told her it was sometimes tough for me to feel my emotions, to know what I was feeling deep inside.

She confirmed me the evolution I was feeling… When I first left F., I really wasn’t feeling anything. I felt totally armoured, protected against what could come from outside, and could hurt me, since so many things had come from outside to hurt me.

The good thing in having been that armoured, in having gone so far in the process of closing myself, is that I could no longer ignore it and consider beeing armoured was a normal thing. It was very painful. So I started a long process in order to dissolve the armour. It took me a long time, was helped during the following months by F.’s insistence to “get in”, and my own desire, at that moment, to let him in.

And finally… I can feel them. I have learnt to feel, and learnt to listen. I have learnt that when you feel an emotion you have to feel it, to let it come. I cry very easilly, so easilly it’s sometimes obstruting… But I’m so happy each time it happens !

It’s a process, it’s not finished, but it’s sooooo good !