tell him how I feel

It’s growing in my stomach and the lump on my throat is still there…. inaction is not good but i’m too afraid to do this if i’m honest, as i already know the answer. So the question has to be WHY am i doing it?

Cuz i hope it might change his mind somehow? YES
Cuz i need to say something after 6 months of tortured silence? YES
Because I seem to be going round and round in circles and tangling myself up more and more? YES

So why dont i just do it?????

So I wrote the email ready to hopefully get an open door to finally after 6 months of silence say my bit, tell him how I feel, and lets be honest, try to get him back. I think deep down inside the last bit was purely hopeful of getting back together, but I never thought I’d get a door slammed in my face like this…. this is what I got…

N,
I’m doing well thanks.
To be honest I’m not sure if it’s best if we meet up.
I have thought long and hard about the decision I made back in March, and I think it’s the best thing for both of us.
I stand by what I said, and I hope you would respect the decision I made.
I hope you and your family are well, and wish you the best for the future.
All the best.

He should have just said F* OFF and leave me alone forever! It would have taken less of his time and hurt the same.

So having slammed the door in my face and stopped me from saying how i feel… I am going to continue on with my plan…. just slightly modified. I dont know if I can still stomach going to Ireland, think that would be too hard….. BUT I am still going to tell him how I feel if not for no other reason so I can free up some of my goals!!!
I NEED CLOSURE, I need to give my feelings a voice. and I need him to recieve them. If he chooses to hit delete, burn them, not read them that is his choice but at least I will have done my final thing and told him how I feel. And I think I deserve that…

This is what I was thinking of sending….. What do we think?

Hey D,

Not exactly sure how to start an email after such a long time! But I wanted to touch base and say Hi and see how you’re doing?
I’m going to be in Ireland next weekend (18th) visiting N and wondered if you wanted to grab a coffee or something? It would be really nice to see you.

Hope all’s well,

N

What do we think? This will pretty much be the 1st contact (bar a bday card I sent) since we broke up… Im going there to hopefully meet up, tell him how I feel, put the last 6 months to bed, see if we have a future, and start a new chapter in my life with or without him when I land back in London on the Monday…

I’ve booked flights for Sept 18th to go to Ireland.
The plan is that I am going to see a friend and will email D and tell him I’ll be there and would he meet me for a drink / coffee / lunch / chat. I’m hoping he says yes…..
If he says no, then I will still go, and email a few days before I go him a letter that says what I wanted to tell him, and just say I’m going to be there and if he changes his mind I would love to see him still.

PLEASE GOD LET THIS WORK OUT THE WAY I WANT!

STEP TWO – write the email and letters!

T said to go get my man…. well I”m going to give it a go…. Action Plan A is hatched.

What if I’m wrong?
Will my heart die all over again? I have to take the risk of hurting again fresh and new again all over, becasue if I’m right then the payoff will be my dream and amazing…. I have to do it

I really like this kid be we was together but I started to really like him be he told me how he loved me but I didn’t wanna get hit so I pushed him away be broke up with.the sad part is I still really like him but be has a girl now and I dnt no wat to do cuz he still loves me and I still love him but he has left his girl yet so should I jus let go and try to move on or should I jus keep try cuz I new him 1st and I still love him?!!!!???

So I have classically been a black or white, all or nothing kinda girl and i’m learning through therapy and life that that kind of thinking is neither realistic or helpful for one’s happiness (or balance!)... So today I came to a decision I was most comfortable with about telling him how I feel about him.

I felt I had either to remain silent ( as I have been for the last 4 months) or pour my heart out, explaining every emotion and thought i’d had…. Neither feels right.

So i’m thinking an email, something along the lines of this…

D
I’ve been thinking about you and it feels like the right time to get in touch. Alot has changed with me in the last 4 months, work is going great and I feel more like myself than ever before. How is everything with you? I miss you and still care for you so much, and would love to hear from you when you feel ready.
Love N

I don’t know how.

I’ve liked this one guy for almost 2 years. The first time I saw him..I had a crush on him. I found out he had a girlfriend and i backed away. We made a connection back in November…and in December started to hang out. I was so afraid…I couldn’t believe he was showing me all this attention. I couldn’t be myself because I had played him up so much that I wanted to be “PERFECT” for him. I couldn’t just be “ME”. And for the past 6 months I have been searching and searching for this “ME”. And although it’s been a transformative period…and I credit it for it…I feel I may have lost him. :(

But, I need to tell him how I feel. I need to tell him that the girl he was with was not me. I need to tell him that I have liked him all along and he never needed to do anything to impress me. He’s helped me find my voice by the pure act of living. And now, I want to live and speak my truth…but I want him too. And I’m so sad over this because I wanted to tell him..and I was going to tell him the next time i saw him. But now I feel he is with someone. I believe their relationship just begun. I’m no homewrecker, and even if I get no where by telling him….I think it will bring peace to me by just letting him know how I feel. Maybe It will help me let him go too…