let go and let God

I need to REALLY be open to let my past be just that. True, it forms you to what you are today. But also true, you can’t do a damn thing to change it.

im letting God…
I’ve let go…

and now I feel free and joyful and merely happy!

things that are lifted off of my shoulders now…
I believe that everything is in Gods hands and that Rich and his family will be taken care of in the best way for their situation…everything happens for a reason and I know that God will help Rich and his family through their tough time (theyre being kicked out of their house on 12/31 with no where to go)I feel so deeply for them that I hurt deeply. All day I have been hurting deeply and its not even happening to me…Although God has finally givien me the gift of feeling…the one thing that I have never had…have never exoerienced

I have been intrigingly odd.

I have an intense sense of motivation and perfection and organization

I even am debating. yes debating (thats a HUGE step for me) to honestly let go and let God

I may just be having an apinphany alough for some reason I am just craving God. and I want to fulfill that craving, volunteering weekly at church without praying or even going to church…isn’t helping and I am willing to admit that I am lost, I have ran away, I have tried my best to hide from something that is inedviable to hide from and I am just ready to come back with my arms wide open crying.

i have such random mood swings that this goal drives me insane…but I NEED it so bad.

I’m afraid.

I am afraid to admit that I know that I am on the wrong path, and I am afraid to come back towards the light…for I know that I will have to put all of my pride away and trust blindly in the Lord.

I am afraid to let go and let God.

yet I know that is what hy heart is truley aching for

I am having a really hard time letting go. Letting my anger go. Letting my disappointments go. Letting people go. And letting my heart have an opportunity to heal itself. I’m having a hard time forgiving people. I’m having a hard time not taking action- when I know- I KNOW- it just needs to be let go. I’m having a hard time trusting (which is my biggest problem) that God will take care of this in his time. I don’t need to do anything. I don’t need to expect anything. I don’t need to fix this- and yet I want to. I want God to fix it now- because I’m afraid, in my impatience, I’ll do something impulsive- and stupid- and screw things up more than I already have.

How do I let go? How do I let go of them? How do I let go? I’m so surprised how mad I am. How hurt I am. How much I want to run away. How much I want to cry. And why I can’t? And I don’t know when God is going to finally step in. I’m waiting. I’m not doing anything- it’s God’s turn. And I’m tired.

i had been praying for the Holy Spirit. but i was not feeling anything different. (yeah, i don;t know why we expect it will be like a new mind in ours, and not a filter or a glow to what was there)
i was reading the Bible a lot, and still am, for the first time, and My Utmost For His Highest. these led me to the revelation that i was still having my what ifs? and the luxury of questioning. i had not surrendered my will to His. and we’ve seen where my will has taken me, lately (though it had seemed what came before, what was happy-so startlingly joyful-, was HIS will)...
i tried living one day thinking Jesus, guide me, where are we going? and it was the first day i did not cry at all in a month.
but, like all things, i must try and fail and try and fail and try and triumph and try and fail…just keep trying because it isn’t like a perfection everyday:like love, like faith, it is a choice.

A huge source of peace. So glad I have this on my list now. I have so many things to hand over to God. I just don’t know how. So I say the serenity prayer every day, and I pray for peace. One day maybe everything that is plaguing me will no longer feel like it is weighing only upon my shoulders. I know it doesn’t, but it feels that way some days.

this should sum it up: i need to be humble and recognize i’m in His hands, His will be done. and trust He knows my heart, and my needs and this is all happening for a reason: to strengthen me for His purposes, make me grow in spirit and love, to appreciate better what will follow, and to fit His design…He knows me and wants to bless; I must let go of what I am desperately trying to grab back and open my hands to receive. in His time, and He has such vast time though! i must be patient and try better to live calmly, unbothered by the externals i cannot control, and focus on grace and kindness and one foot in front of the other, instead of the scared, compulsions i have been undertaking which only set me back and hurt me more.

is, without a doubt, my path. And I plan to have loads and loads and loads of fun with this. To me, life has been too serious in the past, but nwt I intend to savor the unfolding of my precious life and to do so with joy and happiness.