look after my body

espec. when it comes to food !

I was discharged from the eating disorders clinic today. Undoubtedly I am no longer bulimic which is an incredible feat. We looked back at my case notes from 2 years ago and physically I’ve made huge strides. I don’t binge or purge (much) anymore. When it does happen I know exactly why and I could prevent it if I wanted to. It’s not compulsive in the same way that it used to be. The area I’ve made no progress on in 2 years is body image and feeling good about my body. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all. I think I might mark this goal as done.

• above average levels of hair shedding – this I can handle although it’s a real pain in the shower and it does give vacuming that extra purpose.
• numbness in my right hand – this is almost permanent now. I suppose this is what it’s like having onset multiple sclerosis. It’s mildly painful.
• cognitive issues (having trouble concentrating, finding the right word or even stringing a sentence together, typing a word when I’m meant to be typing another word etc) – my parents noticed it particularly when I first started the medication that my speech slowed right down. They reckon I’m not as bad now but I’m still very mindful that I’m only firing on half the cylinders that I used to. The thing is I didn’t care in my last job but I do now. I don’t want to be dumb anymore.

I need to get more information about the drug and modifying the dosage. I really don’t want to go back to my old pain ridden life but I don’t want these symptoms either, particularly the hand numbness which I feel all the time. My GP will be no help at all (he didn’t even know about the drug when it was first prescribed to me) but what he will be able to do is refer me to a visiting neurologist I’ve heard about at the hospital who knows a lot about this medication. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll make him contact the drug company and learn more about it. Bossy Picasso’s Muse.

I was told today that I’m going to have my last appointment at the eating disorders clinic in a month’s time. I knew it was coming but I still felt sad when I heard it. Still feel sad. I know it’s strange because I should be overjoyed but I think I’m sort of mourning the end of something that I’ve been working on for so long and that’s been in my life for so long. Plus I’m really going to miss my therapist.

I would love to be able to say that I am now the bastion of health but only some of my thoughts and actions are healthier than they used to be. That’s a start I suppose. The thing that frustrates me the most is the weight I’ve gained. It’s the one thing that my therapist hasn’t been able to help me with or help me accept. I’d been slowly gaining weight anyway because of the bulimia (this has been explained to me in a way I understand now), then reducing the purging, and then taking migraine medication which caused weight gain.

What I’ve tried lately hasn’t worked and nothing has ever worked for me long term ever. It pisses me off. I know I need to take the focus off food more in my thinking but I feel like I can’t yet while I still have so much weight to lose. I need to find a solution. I don’t want to and in fact, can’t allow myself to get caught up in any more obsessive behaviours (calorie counting/points counting etc). Keeping a food diary is my limit.

Maybe that’s why I don’t feel more excited by my victory. It’s been a slow and volatile progress but maybe if it had ended with me weighing 20kg lighter I’d feel happier. But it didn’t. So it’s back to the drawing board.

One of my triggers for bingeing and purging is getting frustrated and angry about things. The sorts of things that frustrate me are being treated like a secretary and feeling like I’ve done something wrong at work (when I haven’t). Consequently I came from work and reverted to previously dormant behaviours. I can’t let this job set me back. It’s only the start of the 2nd week!

I really have to lose weight. It is non-negotiable. I gained a lot of weight with the previous migraine medication and haven’t been able to lose it. I also have been trying to not diet and while for some people that’s a useful way of settling back into a healthy weight, not so with me! Now I’m finding that I’m getting really painful indigestion which is apparently exacerbated by excess weight. Grrrr!

I know I have to do something. I talked to my therapist at the eating disorders clinic but then I started getting all emotional and since I had to go to a job interview straight after, I couldn’t really continue the conversation!! I think I’ll just start by keeping a food journal again because I don’t feel that I actually eat that much. Maybe the old unprocessed food path might be the way to go. Exercise is the other part of the equation I need to resolve. I think I need to accept once and for all that I am wasting money with a gym membership so now what…

My therapist at the eating disorders clinic says that I will be well shot of the place by the end of the year. That’s my goal so it’s great to hear that she thinks I’m on target to achieve that too. One of the biggest mindshifts that I’ve made in the last few months is that I actually don’t want to do this anymore. That probably sounds weird to normal people! But it’s been a safety net for so long that it’s a big deal for me. The lapses are getting fewer and fewer. I feel very confident that in the next 6 months I am going to have overcome the biggest obstacle of my life. Cool.

I can only blame the takeaways I had last night. Or maybe I had way too much much dairy in the last 24 hours. All I know is that at last my stomach has stopped cramping and my trips to the loo aren’t quite so regular.

My mum and dad never have takeaways. Good old mum took the opportunity to remind me that you know exactly what goes into food you make yourself. Always bloody right!

I think I’m really starting to do this bit by bit. I had a revelation at my last session at the eating disorders clinic I attend that I really haven’t been trying too hard with this. The problem is I’m still focused on weight loss and not enough on actually ditching this disorder once and for all. I’ve been told that long term bulimics eventually gain weight but of course I didn’t really believe it until I found more evidence online

...bulimics binge (take in excessive amounts of calories at once) then purge in some way (vomiting, laxatives, etc.). Surprisingly, vomiting doesn’t get rid of many calories, so bulimics actually are holding on to most of what they ate during a binge. Vomiting only gets rid of 50% of the calories you ate AT MOST – and that is if you vomit immediately after eating. Laxatives only get rid of about 12% (at most) of the calories eaten. Most bulimics aren’t aware that purging doesn’t get rid of very many calories, so they continue the cycle (and therefore continue to gain weight and destroy their bodies at the same time). Purges also leave the stomach feeling empty, so a bulimic might think “Now I can eat again because I just got rid of all the junk I ate an hour ago…” etc.

This is my experience exactly. So I think it’s time to really commit to doing this properly. Sadly I’m still highly motivated by weight loss but whatever it takes right? At this stage I just need to keep a food diary and record my thought process around the time I eat. I also need to eat mindfully ie think consciously about what I’m eating, if I’m enjoying it, if it is satisfying my hunger, and most of all note when my hunger is satisfied. I have to say this is bloody hard to do! But the more I start connecting my mind with my body, the healthier I will be.

The other useful piece of advice I’ve been given is not to obsess about “recovery” but to fill up my life with more things so that less time is taken up thinking about food, eating, body, weight etc. I think in my case this would be useful. I tend to need a lot of time by myself but I need to balance that with more activity.

I’m fairly sure that I can attribute most of the decline of my mental health to the state of my physical health. I found this list on a bulimia website and realised that this would be quite a project if I dedicated to achieving all this on a regular basis AND simultaneously. But probably worth it.

• I get plenty of sleep each night (usually between 7 – 9 hours) and feel rested when I wake up.
• I spend at least one hour to “wind down” each night before bed, reading an inspirational book, listening to soft music, meditating, etc. (Turn off the TV, put down a scary novel and stop all over-stimulating activities).
• I drink plenty of water each day.
• I take the time to select, prepare and eat healthy, nourishing and balanced meals.
• I choose the amount and type of exercise that is healthy for my body.
• I take the time to meditate each day.
• When I eat meals, I only focus on what I am eating, rather than multi-tasking (reading, surfing the net, etc.).
• I schedule plenty of time to get to meetings and appointments, so that I can go at a leisurely pace.
• I have hobbies that I love and take time to do them when I want to.
• I do work that I love.
• I spend my time with friends who accept me for who I truly am and who are energizing to be with.
• I take a bubble bath or get a massage.
• I take the time to relax and breathe deeply periodically each day as a rest from what I am doing.
• I take care of my body when it needs something – I pay attention to hunger, thirst, fatigue, etc. and give my body the healthy care it needs.