relax tic-tic-tic during my last tic-tic-tic month of work before my tic-tic-tic eyelids fly right off my face

It’s been a hectic morning. I did what I could with a severely jacked up spreadsheet, put out a few fires and made and remade lists. On the way to my car to run an errand and get some food, I realized that I’m okay with the fact that I haven’t been relaxed during this last month of work.

This is who I am: someone who cares passionately about the quality of the work I do and the people with whom I work. My choice to stay attached to how things turn out here has brought me a lot of stress. I could beat myself up for that or try to change, but why fight who I am? Why not instead recognize that my work ethic is part of what makes me employable and valuable and appreciate myself for not being apathetic?

I’ve turned down a few tasks and gently but firmly turned people toward other resources. I am helping with the Board meeting tomorrow because I want to be of service. I have been stressed because I care and that’s okay with me. I’ve just spent ten minutes helping the receptionist alphabetize a list in Excel.

My eyelid has twitched exactly two times in the last three days. It’s all going to be okay.

We figured out a plan for the short-term and I emailed tons of documents and sent lots of emails to get things in place. I feel better about the transition. In an hour, I’ll have three days left. Woo-freakin-HOO!

I think I will attend the VIP party on Saturday. It will be a good break and I might get to hang out with some celebs. It’s always good to charm a possible future president, an American icon and other people with pull. Perhaps I’ll bring my small tarot deck…

She would be doing the admin stuff temporarily and is an excellent admin.

I still care about things going well here. I’m resigned to my boss asking me to take care of things and make decisions when it’s too late for that. HE needs to step up and make the decisions. He’s had all the info he needs for two months.

I don’t want to be here. I want to be home packing or out scrounging up boxes. I want to be reading the last spread for my tarot class. I want to be putting CDs into iTunes, calling the mission to pick up the stuff I haven’t sold and crawling into bed for a nap. I think a long lunch is in order. I still have comp time I haven’t used, for goodness sake!

referring to my departure in a week, “What are we doing?!” I laughed and said, “I don’t care. Do whatever you want!”

Is it possible that I’m finally letting this go? I have been slammed the past two days with last minute requests and bills to be paid. This afternoon I’m handing off my data, extra room keys and orienting two people to my office and some basic admin stuff. Next week, I plan to coast. My last day will be an odd one, going to a student poetry performance directed by Maya Angelou and then to a reception for our board members. Me + alcohol at my very last moment of employment. My, oh my.

I gave my resignation on February 21st with a three-page document outlining, in bullet point, what needed to be done and who needed to be contacted so there wouldn’t be disruptions in payroll, vendor payments, etc.

In March, I’m told there’s a plan. There’s a plan. They’re working on it. We’re looking at it. Maybe, huh, yeah, no, there’s a plan.

This morning, my boss asked me to follow up with someone because he hasn’t heard anything about the plan and if we don’t hear by next Friday, “we need a contingency plan or a temp or something.” I left a message for this woman who is supposed to be working on “the plan” and laughed out loud in the middle of it.

Eyelid still twitching but with much less frequency. I think I’ll have a glass of wine at lunch.

Everyone and their research assistant has woken up and realized that if I don’t do it NOW, it might not get done for months. Work is crazy and so am I.

The receptionist is near tears, the staff is starting to get anxious and I’ve scheduled times to orient people to where things are in my office and hand over the sample forms I’ve made for them. It’s gonna get hysterical before I’m out of here.

Did I mention my going away lunch is tomorrow? Should be fun.

One today and one tomorrow, that might send me into full tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic mode. If I can get through those and I pack up the rest of the books and get ALL the paperwork on The Structure Formerly Known As The Ironing Board sorted, packed or tossed, I’ll go to the music show in Charlotte on Saturday and relax.

The twitching has gotten a little better, except when I talk about things at work. Then I’m back to full spasm.

12 more days.

that I expect too much from my boss because I asked him a question in an email. I was told that I have to give him options to choose, instead. I was told that he has a lot to do.

I know he has a lot to do. I get that. I know he has less support than is needed. Got it. I’m gone in three weeks and he hasn’t answered questions that directly affect how much turmoil and dysfunction there will be after I leave. I’ve given him options and he hasn’t chosen.

I know I’ll be out of it by the time it explodes. Why won’t I let it go? I feel guilty that I haven’t trained anyone on the tasks that need to get done. The receptionist as well as told me she won’t do any of them. No big surprise there. One of the two staff people is visiting her terminally ill father out of state and the other is up to her ears in tomorrow’s conference and more work than any one person can do.

It is what it is. He may or may not respond to my questions. He may decide not to make decisions. The other staff members may be too busy, too unwilling or too freaked out to get trained. It isn’t my problem. Isn’t my problem. Think if I keep typing that, I’ll eventually believe it? I gave him a list of what needed to be done on February 21st and he gave it back to me. I wish I knew HOW to let go of this. I know WHY and it makes absolute sense. I don’t know how.

I was tic talking with a coworker and she was horrified that more hasn’t been done to train people here, given that there’s very little chance (as of Friday, no real chance) of anyone being hired before I’m gone.

I sent my boss a table of the most important tasks that need to be covered, with columns for the task, if there’s any sensitive info involved, what software is used, who will be assigned the task and who that person can call as a resource. All he needs to do is fill out the column I’ve bolded and I’ll get on it. I was also honest about the limitations of one person he may want me to train. He got that last week. No response. He’s a busy man, stretched in every direction. But this direction has a twitching ticking bomb in it that he needs to defuse.

Next week, I start stealth training at least one other staff member. It isn’t fair to leave them with no training. It’s not that my job is difficult, but it is complex and detail-oriented. Adding to the stress, one staff member flies out tomorrow to be with her very ill father in another state.

In good news, I’m approaching the point where I say “F ‘em all!” and sit in my office playing Alchemy until they cart me out.

Last night I laughed so hard that I wasn’t making any noise besides a strange clicking in my throat. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I was crying and rocking back and forth with laughter. There may have been an edge of hysteria in there, but it felt GOOD. Then I got the giggles because Mr. Man kept asking, “What were you laughing about that last time?” Every time he asked, I’d lose it again.

That last time, I was laughing because he had said, “I love you” and I said, “I love you, too” and an evil little voice in my head added, deadpan, “and that’s a lot harder.” It felt mean but it also cracked me up. Nothing like letting a little resentment boil out in laughter.

I’m still on decaf and still putting in eyedrops regularly. I’m in a bit of a flare, so my eyes are red and gritty dry. The twitching hasn’t been bad yet today and it looks like a quiet day, so fingers crossed that I’m on the right track.

In talking to a friend the other night, I realized that I might be holding on to the job stress because this job is the last piece of security I have before I leap into the unknown. Hearing myself say that out loud was a release of sorts. Now that I see what’s going on, I can overcome it.