because I want to break up with my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating for over 2 years (my first) and who is head over heels in love with me, before I go off to college (as a freshman) and he goes back to his school across the country (as a sophomore).

For those who have been reading my posts for some time, yes, this is still J. I realize that my past posts have been somewhat on the negative side regarding our relationship, but I wrote more on the issues and the things I wanted to change than the good times, and there were plenty of those.

• We’re both awkward talking about relationships, and we don’t plan all that well, so I’ve left this awfully late. I leave for school in two weeks, and between out separate family vacations, we have about 2 or 3 days when we can talk to each other in person.
• Last year, when J left for school, we split up in a friendly, mutual, logical decision, based on what we’d both heard and read about long-distance relationships in college. But over winter break, J told me that he still had strong feelings for me, and asked if I wanted to get back together. I said yes, and we did long distance with a reasonable degree of success for the spring semester.
• Because of the aforementioned communication issues, we haven’t talked frankly about this yet, but it appears to me that last semester has set sort of a precedent with long distance.

Why do I want to break up with him? Well…it’s difficult for me to explain. J is my first-ever boyfriend, and he’s great. I didn’t date anyone during our “break” (he did) and (gosh, I don’t know how to say this in a way that doesn’t sound trashy) I do think it would be good for me to see other people, or just be single for a while.
I’m NOT going to go to college and turn into a…(ahem) woman of loose morals.
It’s NOT because J is lacking in any way.
It IS because I’m curious about casually dating other people (no, I don’t have anyone in mind), and because I don’t know if J is “the one” for me, and because everything I’ve ever read about starting college in a relationship, especially a long-distance one and ESPECIALLY one that started in high school, is: DON’T DO IT.

The thing that I need to focus on is:
Kelsey,
You need to suck it up and have that awkward conversation as soon as possible, and there’s the chance that J did, after all, have the same idea and that all of this is a non-issue. But you MUST do what is best for you, and not make compromises. You are allowed to feel bad about hurting J, but you are NOT allowed to let yourself slip into a situation that you “put up with” or “endure” just because it avoids conflict and makes other people happy. Be kind, be gentle, but be honest and stay true. Do not set yourself up for months of subdued happiness (or an ugly breakup via Skype) by trying to avoid one conversation’s worth of hurt. Submission is an affront to your autonomy and your freedom as an independent young woman with the world in front of you.
Love,
You 10 months ago

I need to do this with regard to myself as much as I do with regard to others. I’m really hard on myself…a LOT. Self-discipline does not equal beating self up every time I fail (or even succeed less than I had hoped.) I guess it’s good that I recognize it, ‘cause keeping it up will eventually turn me into a miserable basket case. I’m better than I used to be, but between being a bit Type A as well as a teenager, I still need to chill and cut myself a little slack. 14 months ago

I paid for (part of) someones groceries today.
I’ve always wanted to do that and finally I got my chance.
Standing in line worrying about my jar of melon icecream melting away, I heard someones card being declined a couple of times. The annoying beeeep of ‘no money in your account!’ The beeeep I always dread whenever I pay with my bank card.
I was like: ooow, will she be able to make it? Another card declined…She will be able to…Will she have enough cash?...Counting her coins…No? OK, let’s jump in :) 15 months ago

The guy who was the reason for my last entry on this subject:
My coach on the volunteerjob told me a temp girl who had worked there in the past, left because she felt harassed by this guy.
This is good to know. (Ofcourse he is in the project because he has mental issues.) Now that I know this, I can send more effective signals because he needs very clear communication. The mild way I communicated just does not reach him.

Let’s stay loving, friendly, open and kind because people who take those signals the wrong way are…a minority. 15 months ago

At my volunteerjob I stumbled upon this thought today:

I find it difficult to combine an ‘I’m not available for a relationship’ attitude with ‘people in general are kind and you can trust me’ attitude. Shield up one way, guard down another way.

I think I look volnerable in whatever I’m doing because I’m slightly clumsy (I’d love to un-clumsify myself but so far that’s been a 28 year project). Dominant men seem to fall for that. I can’t come up with some funny comment to clear up the situation.

I’m thinking: “I can help you with suggestions about your painting. I’m doing that because I want you to develop as a person and as a painter and not because I find you attractive” but I can’t say that.

Being loving, friendly, open and kind just seems to work better when you are a middle aged Asian man wearing glasses? 16 months ago