Let my best be good enough

I read here today a goal which I Quite liked.

Remind myself how lucky I am to just be me.

I’d want to change the word lucky and put blessed :)

and totally unexpected as I did not see it coming. I was not dreading going back to work and felt pretty much ok this morning. Then I walked into the room and my whole body felt so full of nervous energy, I was shaking and my face felt hot. My mind felt even more paralysed than on the worst days i have known.

I don’t think I am 100% well physically and so maybe that was the explaination for this reaction!

I acknowledge that this is a situation that I have found so difficult but I have not felt so bad for ages.

The negative thought patterns kicked in – the mind-reading and the spiral down into the old familiar “i’m not good enough” whine!

I did not give the thoughts energy which was harder to do than it has been for a while. No matter I still did it….as soon as i became aware of the thought I sent it on it’s way.

Nevertheless, the day has left me tired, tearful and wondering once again if my best can ever be good enough for me to do this work.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings. I hope that once I feel better physically then my positive drive will return once again.

I need to let my best be good enough. My hands are tied and I am not responsible for other people’s behaviour or their happiness. All I can do tomorrow is facilitate the process and encourage him to make the best choices for his future.

So head up, speak clearly, be authoritative, use humour …..show up, pay attention, let go the outcome and speak my truth.

to be ashamed of and nothing to fear.

My best today was a little less than normal…I guess we all have those days where energy is low and we are feeling a bit yuk!

“The man who fears no truths has nothing to fear from lies.”
- Thomas Jefferson

That in the past when I did things, i did not know any better. I had not learned all I know now and so i could only work with what i knew then.

I wonder if i can look back and say that i did my best? I think maybe I can. Maybe I was a little misguided in some of my actions and some of my decisions. So it’s time to truly forgive myself for some of those actions and decisions.

I can still be a little sad sometimes, about things that are past but I must not let that feeling engulf me any longer. I did my best then, in the context of my life then and with the knowledge I had then. Maybe I knew “stuff” and knew sometimes I was on the “wrong” path but did not know HOW do actually DO IT or what the choices were.

Letting my best be good enough now is completely different to letting my best be good enough in the past. Of course it is…. how simple….I was young and learning what it is to be a human being – to be an adult, to be a parent. How to take responsibility without it being a heavy, joyless task that sucks all the love out of your soul. To understand what unconditional love is like and how to receive and how to give. To know what true joy feels like and how to set it free and spread it around. That it is vital to let the child inside out to play and also to keep her safe. What nurturing looks like – and how it shows up for different people in different ways. That being responsible for how things unfold is not entirely possible and that blaming or punishing oneself does not change the past or enable growth for the future.

FORGIVE, FORGIVE, FORGIVE.

I really did my best and from the heart.

I tried not to let Mr grey the smug-faced-one, trigger the feelings and thoughts of “not good enough” inside me. Luckily i did not need to stay around him for long and he went off with the “expert” for a secret expert discussion.

Everything else today I feel I dealt with well, just being present and paying attention to it all in the moment, really being able to speak my truth.

I am letting my best be good enough.

My voice is WEAK, but this has to be done, so my best will have to do…

EDIT: The first song was so-so… We were trying to do a Carole King song, pretty much the way she did it & it’s hard to live up to her… I can live with it for now, but I’d really like to try it again when I’m 100%...

The second song, a swing version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, wasn’t bad, especially considering I had never done a run-thru before tonight & we did it in just two takes… Again, it’s not perfect, but it’ll do…

My throat aches, so I’m having some hot tea now… Boy does it feel nice!

It doesn’t really fit with any of my goals, but I want to apologize to one of my friends tomorrow… I was such a b-tch to her today, and I don’t even know why… Today was an ok day…. She didn’t do anything to warrant it, and in fact bent over backwards to avoid creating more tension between us, but I was snappy and inattentive towards her for most of the day…

I really didn’t see any other way, which is not to say there was _ no other way, only that I didn’t _see it…

She just kept interrupting me & saying over & over again, “It’s not MY fault,” as if anyone was trying to assign blame in the first place…

At least while I continued talking over her interruptions, she was engaged with me & not carrying on her own meeting within our meeting… Actually, once the meeting was over, my boss told me it had to be done and told me that it seemed as if my getting loud forced her to calm down… It’s still not my proudest moment, but what’s done is done I guess… Gotta let this one go…