survive 5 days without Raphael

it was late and they were having stories around the campfire (well that’s what he told me but it sounded like chaos in the background). So i asked if he’d made lots of friends and was having fun and his voice was very tired and bordering on tears and he said yes, he had and he was, but then he almost whispered “but i miss just being at home. i’m so tired.” and i had to hold back from driving down to pick him up.

i imagine they’ve had very late nights and early mornings and my boy does like to go to bed at a decent hour, and read peacefully and i also wonder how much he’s eaten cos he’s a fussy child and doesn’t like a lot of food so he’s probably exhausted and hungry and had too much sun.

still i told him just one more day and then his dad and i would be there to pick him up.

at least he has a week more holidays to recover. perhaps he is still too young for this kind of thing.

but first i need to confess that i went round to the camp site on the way home from work and spied on him from behind a palm tree (he never saw me) – as soon as i spotted him looking just fine i left. but then last night i was out at the pub enjoying being kid-free but still missing him, he called me from a buddy’s phone at 21h30-ish to say goodnight. he sounded good, happy but a little wobbly -but on the whole fine.

i said i would call him on wednesday and he said ‘yes please’ but i felt like trying the number of his friend’s cell tonight to just say hello and some man answered. turns out it was the friend’s dad who is one of the camp speakers but he is now back home with his phone so i couldn’t speak to Raph.

I asked this man if he’d seen Raph today and he said yes, he (the man) had held a session in the afternoon for questions and answers on life stuff and that Raph has asked quite a lot of questions and he said ‘he’s a very intelligent young man, your son’ and i was so proud, and happy that he was fine, and participating.

so i can go to bed happy :)

Well Raph’s bags are packed and waiting at the front door. My mom (who BTW is so much better again) will be taking him to the campsite as i’ll be at work, but as it’s close by to where I live Raph and I took a drive to check out the site on Friday. It’s really sweet, and clean and well maintained and not too huge. We got to check out the bungalows and the tuck shop and dining room and camp fire area, swimming pool etc. He’s gonna be fine, and I feel a LOT happier now about him going, but I am going to miss him esp at night. The x-x gets back Thursday night only, so i’ll be on my own the next 4 nights but that’s ok. I’ll just watch dvds and visit my friends and we have a Girl’s Night Out planned for one of the evenings.

I do get nervous about stuff like abuse on these kind of camps, as it does happen, but we spoke about different possible scenarios and what to do if such and such happens. This whole letting go thing is bloody hard (for me).

I asked him a few minutes ago if he was nervous as he doesn’t know anyone else but he’s so cool, he said “No, what on earth for? It’s only round the corner Mom.” and carried on reading his book.

Glad to see my paranoia hasn’t rubbed off on him :)

for 5 days. He’s only ever been away for one night, and the longest i’ve been away from him is 2 nights or maybe it was three but then he was safe and sound at home with my parents.

now the campsite (called Camp Faraway) is literally 5 minutes away from my home so in theory i can drive past every day and peer through the fence to see if he’s ok, but he won’t have a cell phone on him and i don’t know how i’m going to cope. this is ridiculous as i thought i was going to be fine with it but the closer it comes the more i am freaking out about the stupidest things like

1. what if he doesn’t drink enough? (he needs constant reminding and when he’s at school and then goes straight to a friend he often doesn’t drink anything all day.
2. what if he falls off the top bunk and cracks his head open and no one else wakes up and he dies?
3. how will i go to sleep every night not knowing if he’s ok, lonely, having a good time, crying himself to sleep, feeling scared or sick, unable to sleep. He does have a lot of difficulty falling asleep even in his own bed.
4. what if he disappears and no one notices for some hours (kids go missing in this country all the time – get abducted, raped, killed. it’s one of my biggest fears – if i can’t see him on the beach for a few minutes i start panicking. how will i cope not knowing if he;s where he should be?

i guess i need this as i need to let him go and trust he will be ok – i have not told him how freaked out i am about him going but i really dunno how i’m going to handle the next week. and it was my own idea – wish i had never had it!

am i really being pathetic? actually don’t answer that i know i am. instead tell me how to be ok with it.