Before time is gone
22 months ago
Just find a way to make the hurt go away… Say I’m sorry…I Miss you…I love you. Forgive me dad.
How to make peace with my dad
It made me
Awed 
"It was a miracle that I am eternally grateful for"
How I did it: My dad and I had been at each other's throats since I can remember. He just didn't like me and couldn't wait for me to get out of the house. I was the last (unexpected) of 5, and he was older when I came along. I was incredibley intimidated by him and could never really talk to him. I just remember only a few times in my life when we actually spoke, and it was either a few words of hatred, or just a few words now and then.
He finally booted me out of the house when I was 18. I was devastated. We both wanted to reconcile, but it just wasn't working. He would call me when he was drunk, and, what could I say, reconciliation never really Took Hold, you know?
So when I was 28 years old, I invited him to come to a father/daughter retreat with me. My family thought I was nuts. No way would dad go. But he did, after a mini-inquisition. "Can I smoke there?" "I'm not gonna come out all religious, am I?" "What are they gonna do there?" We were both terrified, but willing.
I was the oldest of the Daughters at the retreat. They were mostly between ages 5 and 12. I was 28! Oy! I felt uncomfortable. But what we did, is started to learn about each other as Individuals. He learned about Ruthanne, I learned about Richard.
He asked me why I invited him. I said I felt like I lost out on learning about him as a man, as a person, like my other older siblings were able to. I asked him why he agreed to come. He said, "because you asked." I cry to this day when I think about that. What an expression of unconditional love.
That weekend we laughed together, he said he now understood me, and I understood him. We apologized for not being what we both hoped for each other. It was the first time I remember him telling me he loved me.
When he got home, just in time for mom's birthday, the family was totally floored! "What happaned on that weekend? Dad's like a different guy?" He actually hugged and kissed me and cried ... in front of the family and God and everyone!
He passed away 2 years later. I was no so peaceful, knowing that we had reconciled. My last words to him were "thank you for coming on that retreat with me. I love you."
It was the number one miracle of my life.
Lessons & tips:
- To reconcile, see the person as the beauty he is.
- To reconcile, be willing to be vulnerable.
- To reconcile, Want it
- To reconcile, be accepting and tender.
2 people found this helpful
People doing this are also doing these things:
Entries
queenmalka is trusting in Him.
Relieved
2 years ago
I know that making peace with my dad is not a one-time event, but a daily decision to not instigate or nurture arguments. I am back in Canberra for the winter (albeit for a few more days, though) so I’ve been able to be with my family more. I think the best thing for our relationship was learning that he too has generalised anxiety disorder. I had no idea. I know that anxiety disorders run in families just as much as high blood pressure or diabetes, and it was the most indescribable moment to learn that my dad has the same anxieties as I do. No wonder he was the way he was when I was growing up. It puts everything into perspective. I feel like with that knowledge I can start to work on forgiving him and releasing the hurts that he has given me. I cried learning that he is human like me, and that the reason he reacts the way he does to many things is because of anxiety. It was amazing to learn that. I feel like that helped not only for our relationship, but also for my anxiety as well.
queenmalka is trusting in Him.
Hard times
2 years ago
I’ve never been that close with my dad. He’s always been irritable, rash, domineering, and cold. He and I used to butt heads all the time when I was a child, and he would always blame his anger on the fact that “my sister and I could never do anything right… I wouldn’t be this way if you simply did what you were told.” Well, I’m in my 20s now, and I’ve decided it’s time to actively pursue a relationship with him. He is still the same way, but the thing is that I have changed. I’m not the little cheeky princess I used to be. I don’t even live in the same house, country, continent, hemisphere, etc. with him anymore, but I can’t let the poison overtake me. I have been healed in Christ, and I want him to truly experience the same—not because he says he does, but because he’s actually been changed.
My dad was never really there. He chose drugs and alcohol over his family for years. I had to learn to stop trying to show him how worthwhile I was and how much he missed. I finally allowed him the relationship on his terms, calling me when he needed to, just to talk. But there were boundaries, and I stopped lying to him. I was honest about my feelings about what he was doing right now (i.e. “I don’t like you calling me when you’re drunk.”) I just prayed for him and moved on with my life. His lifestyle caught up with him in the 90s when he learned that he had Hep. C and Emphysema. It was going to kill him. I visited him, offered him comfort, but never dwelled on the past and never lied to him. I tried to help my sister forgive and let go of the past, but she never could. She could neither confront nor forgive him. I can understand, but I don’t think it’s good for her. My dad died in 2000 and I can honestly say that I have no regrets. I believe he did, but I couldn’t help that. I loved him, but he was not strong.
