I feel paralyzed
I feel hurt
I feel fear
I feel weak
I fear other people and I cant move

I don’t want to be the person that screws everyone over at the last minute by backing out of a group task.

I am just hurting so much right now, and the bad behavior of others (yelling, saying bad things about me) is making it worse.

People should have never trusted me or assigned me big roles: I am disappointing everyone.

I am embarrassed to see people’s faces.

I feel stage fright.

I dont want to be defined by my failures. Other people are wishing for me to fail so I am doing them a favour.

I do not feel love.

I can’t offer people an explanation- I cant say its depression, anxiety or mental illness

Those words remind me of my past and are often not valid excuses for those who have not really experienced it.

I hate this stigma, I hate this pain, I hate these fears.

I need freedom, mental space and empathy.

But I doubt those around me will ever give me any empathy because they don’t understand and I do not wish to tell them. 6 hours ago

Why is it so easy to dwell on my shortcomings? 8 hours ago

I will be ok. I will be ok. I will be ok. Iwill be ok. I will be ok. I will be ok. Iwillbe ok. I will be ok. I will be ok. Iwill be ok. Iwillbeok. i will be ok. I will be ok. I will be ok. I will be ok. Iwillbeok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok i will be ok. 1 day ago

And we went through lots of things. We talked about how I was coping with my anxiety, and went through the CBT forms that I’ve been filling whenever I get anxious. We also talked about how I’ve been handling mood swings, and if I’ve been feeling depressed after our latest meeting (which I haven’t, but I’ve come pretty close).

I realised why we started off with such a holistic discussion after she arrived at the point. My therapist believes that what’s been fuelling my depression, and developed my anxiety is the fact that I’m such a perfectionist. When she explained it to me, it made perfect sense. I did not have any problems admitting to it, I’ve always been aware that I am a perfectionist, but I never thought that it was a bad thing. In fact, I thought that it was a good thing.

Well, at least this was the case until my therapist explained how perfectionism works, the way it can really bring me down, and how it’s triggered a few of my previous episodes. How it’s led to my constant breakdowns over the past few months, and all my anxiety issues. It made sense how it was all related.

It really hit me then, and I was crying when I realised it. I felt so upset because I thought perfectionism would make me happy. But in fact, it most likely is why I’m making myself so unhappy. I’m in a constant state of frustration, because it doesn’t matter how anybody else views it, nothing that I do is ever good enough. Not for me.

This is why I’ll be approaching my issues with depression and anxiety differently from now on. With the help of my therapist, we’ll work through my issues with perfectionism. I really think this time, it will work out for me. I’m praying that it will. 1 day ago

I am in a kind of limbo right now. I start to feel happy…but then I ask myself what reason do I have to be happy? Then I sink right back down again. Not to the bottom. But to limbo.

I feel guilty updating on this goal because I feel like other people struggling with depression might be reading my entries and I’m making them feel worse. 6 days ago

My doctor since 2001 is retiring at the end of the year. I met him today for my checkup. My meds are good, my feelings are within normal ranges. I have ups and downs, but I am very grateful that these feelings pass. Most of the time.

“ti piace vivere come vuoi / e rispondi solo a te”
you like to live how you like / and you are responsible for yourself
Vasco Rossi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrkoRyQ1Yug 6 days ago

Shoot, I’m really struggling tonight.

My fiance is so supportive but I worry about my problems stressing him out.

I feel like I need to cry really badly but I can’t. Instead I’ve just been throwing up.

I feel so empty and lost. 1 week ago

I wish I could drop out of life the same way I drop out of school. 1 week ago

We were walking, he and I, when a thick fog started to descend. He didn’t seem to notice it. It started to envelop everything in front of us, devouring the cityscape. Barely able to see more than a few feet in front me, I stopped walking. I could no longer see the road, the houses with glittering lights and walls flickering blue from tv screens. I could hardly see my feet on the ground, and he began to look like a ghostly silhouette.

“What’s the matter?” he asked me, clutching my hand, which I could no longer see.

I tried to respond, but I inhaled the fog into my lungs and it wouldn’t let me speak. It poured itself into my throat, burning away the words. I choked; the gasp for air was scathing. 1 week ago

Few months ago I was feeling miserable about not having a job, now I have one but it isn’t exactly what I want to be doing so I’m still miserable. Nothing changed. I don’t know if I’m depressed because my life sucks or my life sucks because I’m constantly depressed. 1 week ago

I seem to be slipping further into this. I have little will to fight it right now. Apparently it was time for my annual update with my psychiatrist, which only could have been timed better if it had occurred before I lost my insurance. (Reader, be warned: if you have something to say about psychiatric medication, this entry is not the appropriate place to share your opinions. I’m finally accepting, after about 15 years of denial, that I need to find an understanding therapist and talk out a lot of my issues, as painfully difficult as that may be for me. That said, meds have both saved my life on more than one occasion and allowed me to maintain a usually stable level of mental health that simply isn’t available to me otherwise. If you don’t like psych meds, don’t take them. Anyway…) I don’t know that we’ll even end up adjusting anything, though I suspect my sleep meds need a tweak. (Yes, I’m entirely dependent on sleep medications—see previous parenthetical if a negative comment is tempted to seep through your fingers.) I am completely allowing for the possibility that this depressed mood will turn out to be temporary and will lift on its own once I’ve jumped the hurdles of major changes that await me this summer. But it’s scary watching myself lose interest in anything not involving lying on the couch, watching as (I perceive) everything changes around me, moving and growing and living, while I quickly lose touch, lose my grasp on what’s important, lose my ability to live outside the scary dark corners of my mind.
I can’t afford to hit rock bottom again. Ever. But especially not right now. Here’s hoping, with what hope I have available. 1 week ago

...since it was a breaking point in this cartoon:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

I do know that I’ve been doing better, with some bad times still, with the right combination of meds and doctor’s visits. 1 week ago

I’m not sure what my peers from my graduating class are doing with their lives, because I avoid Facebook like the plague. But if they aren’t getting married and starting families, I wonder what they’re doing. I feel like I’ve been essentially living to work. My social life was much more colorful and active in college. Since then, it seems like nothing’s left in life except to somehow find a way to quickly procreate to make the miserably mundane 9 to 5 worthwhile. I don’t really see romance or children in my near future, so it’s going to be interesting to see what I end up doing with myself. For now I’m just trying to build a reputation for myself at work. Besides that, I clean and decorate my apartment in my spare time, and try new recipies in the kitchen. It’s a pretty peaceful, quiet existence. Not the most exciting life, but for now it is what it is. I want to figure out how to have more fun and be more social, but I don’t know how to make new friends.

My dream life would have me going on late night trips to New York City to drink and party, or random overnight stays in Atlantic City over the weekend. How fun it would be to know people all over and be able to take on such adventures. I’d love that. That’s what I want in my life: spontaneity. 1 week ago

I’ve had it almost my whole life. Currently I am unable to manage it without the highest dosage of Zoloft, and I am happy most of the time which is good. But I would like to learn to do things for myself so that I can go down on my dosage (been on it for 3+ years) and eventually be off it completely. 1 week ago

A little more than 3 years ago, I vowed to never fall in love with another guy. I was going through a very rough patch in my life, which hurts me even still today. I don’t think I’ll go in to detail though, because it was quite a painful experience for me.

Not long ago, I fell for my best guy friend, Jacob, despite the voices in my head. The thing is, I don’t know if he likes me back. I believe he just wants to be friends based on the conversations we have had (he doesn’t know I like him). However, I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve liked him for about a month now, and been friends with him a little less than 2 years. I’m not going in to much detail with this either. But it is depressing that he might not like me back (I’m not sure yet). Not to mention, he has a girlfriend. :/ 1 week ago

when i’m on my own i’m usually ok or even happy, but being with people can be so hard because i so often feel out of step with the rest of the world. i wasn’t always so antisocial. i hope i won’t be this way forever. i would so love to get married and have children, but i honestly don’t see how that can happen if i can’t even talk to people.

i had the opportunity to meet up with two school friends today but i didn’t go. they both have husbands, babies, houses and careers. i get jealous. it’s hard to be glad that things are going so well for them, though i try. i know i missed out today and that by neglecting these friendships they get weaker, but they don’t know i’ve dropped out of my course and had depression again and i can’t face talking about it. i’m feeling sad about the whole situation. 2 weeks ago

It was the best and hardest session yet. I told her some things I have never told anyone before. I told her why I think I might have Dysthymia (chronic depression) and may have had it all of my adult life. She agreed that this may indeed be the case and now I’m supposed to find a psychiatrist so I can get the right medicine.

I will actually be happy if I get the diagnosis of chronic depression, because that would mean it’s not just my personality that has all of these flaws with low self-esteem, low drive and no need for socializing. I will be able to take all these things and “put them in a box” so to speak and call it dysthymia and know that is what I have to fight. 2 weeks ago

I don’t think I have 11,019,205 years remaining to complete this goal… 2 weeks ago

Nothing ruins a good mood like dealing with family. There are multiple situations going on at once, so it’s too complex to explain here. I swear, I want to secede from my family all together. 2 weeks ago

After so much hurt with guys, I am vowing to take a year off from dating anyone. No dating…nothing. One whole year. I bet I can do it. So next year on May 4, 2014 I can kiss a guy again. Until then, all these issues and all these problems are buried. I am over and done with them. All of them. No guys. 2 weeks ago