stand up for myself

There are these two girls at school that always seemed to be mean to me, but maybe once school starts up again, I can let out my inner bitch. ^^

I’m actually doing this, which surprises me somewhat, because I haven’t intended to – it’s just sort of been the outcome.

I seem to have a lot of family drama and turmoil other people don’t have – is this because they have better things to think about? Probably.

Well, this has been a long, hard struggle for me, and it’s just starting, really.

I am really bad at this, and supremely disinclined to bother with it. But I guess I am standing up for myself, in my own way. I don’t fear conflict, I just find it a tremendous waste of time and energy, for the most part. People change their minds so fast – or at least I do – it rarely seems worth the bother to debate a point I’ll probably change my mind about tomorrow…But I do need to stand up, because I am lazy and passive, and this is because – well, I guess this is my personality in some ways, and in others – I really am a “pacifist”. I don’t believe in fighting. I don’t think it works. And it generally seems alot easier to just step aside rather than “stand up” – but I need to do this never the less, or I’ll never get anywhere near I want to be in life.

First, I want to be able to recognize when I need to stand up for myself (like when someone’s being passive aggressive, sometimes it slips by me), and that I need to make sure I’m taking care of myself. I think that can be half the battle. I want to learn ways to “call them on it” or hold them accountable, not get upset and emotionally reactive, but calm myself down and respond in an appropriate, measured and assertive manner.

I tend to be pretty easygoing and giving with people I care about, but sometimes that means that they end up getting their way all the time, and I don’t. I think it ends up undermining their respect for me and then they take the selfishness up a notch, then I get resentful and annoyed with both of us. So that’s another way that I need to stand up for myself. I need to recognize and assert my preferences more often.

There is this girl at my work.. that somehow always gets me to do her jobs =[.. It really starts to frustrate me.. When she asks me something.. I’m like ‘yeah.. no problem’.. and a few seconds later I think.. ‘aaaargh.. stupid me =/.. now she gets me to do what she wants me to do AGAIN =[!’.

Every time I evaluate the situation.. and I think.. ‘and now! I’m going to stand up for myself to her’.. but somehow every time something comes between it.. She isn’t there.. or.. I’m just to scared to stand up for myself and go against her.

Tomorrow she will probably be at work again too.. and then.. then I just have to stand up for myself!
I’ll just tell her.. no.. I’m not going to do that.. why don’t you do it yourself? I always do your jobs.. but not any more and then I’ll just walk away before she still talks me into it like always.

Wish me luck ;)

that the first step to stand up for myself and show more confidence is stop showing off my insecurity and self-criticism. cause i’m like that, i’m always pointing out my flaws and that opens a space for people to control me using my weaknesses.

my personal challenge is to finally be myself, and the first thing i’m gonna focus now to achieve it is to stand up for myself. stop being a doormat, stop being afraid to show and fight for my point of views. so this is my plan to get there:

• stop caring about what other people think of me
• stop trying to be nice to everybody
• stop feeling guilty about everything
• keep in mind i’m only human and all human beings suffer too
• get other people’s respect i must first respect and love myself

Yes, I do sometimes stand up for myself. Even if it is just in little things, I am starting to do so. At work things are hectic and I really don’t get round with my work, I have just this week dared to ask help to a colleague. I’m still far from the goal, I mostly just nod and say yes. Sometimes I do show I’m not liking it (or at least I think I do), but mostly I do just take the job and do it anyhow. So still far from it, but well… I do already feel like I can come up for myself. And that’s a little goal in itself, knowing my low self-esteem ;)

Notice I took 3 years to complete this… I am counting from the time I took an assertiveness program. At that time, I had lots of useful learnings…. and made some progress. HOWever… it took 3 years of practice to get to the point where I feel that I AM an assertive person. In the meantime… I would often come out of a conversation and then process how it went and what I could have done to be assertive. I had a lot of processing and “after-practice” to do before I could comfortably use my assertion skills in the moment. It was WAY easier for me to stand up for my children than myself! (Mother bear effect) This did provide lots of successes which built my confidence to stand up for ME as well! The amazing thing to me is that my assertive stands are usually very well responded to. For decades I was “nice” and not respected. Now I can be assertive… and people usually respond very well! It actually improves relationships. Who knew!

I’ve always thought that being kind and open to others was the ‘right’ thing to do. I’ve been there for so many people… the shoulder to cry on, the wise word, the trustworthy, reliable fool. I just didn’t realise that in all that time I was being unkind, hurtful, and disrespectful to one person. The most important person… me!

Why don’t I deserve to be respected. Yes, I can still be a good person, and offer a hand when needed. But from now on, I will make sure that I’m looked after first. Even as I write that, it seems selfish. The Catholic guilt in me coming out. The teachings that say always put others before yourself. But if we do that, we can never truly serve another with a pure heart. Because there will always be resentment.

There have been too many good acts that I’ve resented. Ones that meant someone took all the credit for a job I did the work on… Ones that meant someone got the guy. Ones that meant a feeling of weakness within my soul.

NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE! I deserve better for myself