cancerfree2003 There are cracks in my crystal ball
For a number of years I was the peacekeeper and would do what ever it took to make someone else happy, regardless at the cost to me. The past few years I have discovered this newfound freedom to be whomever I want to be and do whatever I feel like doing. I would like to thank Zoloft personally for this awakening as far too many years were spent living imbalanced between deep depressive episodes and extreme anxiety with panic attacks and social phobias. I had almost no confidence to walk into a room and feel like I was important enough to be there.
It was almost overnight that I changed. I also changed my profession from high school teaching and coaching tennis to social work. I learned in grad school some amazing communication techniques and I came to understand the human mind better through the psychology, psychiatry and sociology courses I took. Being a therapist today is my true calling, but I won’t do therapy for just anyone. I can’t help those who are unwilling to help themselves and choose the path in life of blaming others, ergo, not having to change themselves if it’s someone else’s fault. I love the patients I work with! Such wonderful, loving, humble, chronically mentally ill folks, suffering from the devastating mind robber of schizophrenia. I go into work every day knowing I am loved unconditionally, even “worshiped.” I receive wonderful letters and cards all the time from my patients. They are my favorite people in the world. They are constantly telling me how beautiful I am and every few days I get a new marriage proposal. Sadly, it’s moments like this when I do think, “wow – they really are mentally ill and must be suffering from delusions and hallucinations if they think I’m beautiful and some great catch!” LOL
Anyways, these folks accept me 100% for who I am and think I’m perfect all the time. I can’t do any wrong in their eyes. They greet me with big smiles like they’ve been waiting forever to see me and then they follow me wherever I go, always trying to find something nice that they can do for me (such as open a door). They want so badly to engage in a conversation with me and feel that they are “normal” in my eyes and loved just the same. When I think of how much they love me unconditionally and see in me things I can’t possibly see in myself, I stop to wonder why I can’t feel that way about myself, and why wasteful moments are spent being self-critical. I think my patients see me the way God would want us to see ourselves. We are valuable, loveable, and perfect (with all our imperfections) just as we are, and we need not make any excuse for being ourselves.
I have felt confident in myself and determined in the things I do. I am assertive at work with my co-workers and I make no apologies for getting things done with my unique style of fashion (haha). I do intimidate my boss, but I love it and won’t change (the power, oh the power – brouhaha). All my co-workers say I could get away with murder if I wanted to. I can’t help that I’m so sweet and innocent (yet so devious behind their backs – hee hee). I can’t help that I have such wonderful cult-like abilities to mesmerize crowds of people. It’s not my fault that I’m narcissistic. LOL.
With all the above said, I have felt my personal and social life crumbling as I see my life flashing before my eyes. I get to where I’m so afraid with my illness and prognosis that I’m going to lose good friends. I’m afraid talking about my treatments and sharing devastating test results is going to make them start avoiding me. It’s happened many times before so I try and be open, lighthearted, humorous and honest. My honesty is something that I hope opens the doors of communication, not closes it. I can tell when someone is uncomfortable or unsure of how to approach me so I do my best to make them feel at ease.
Lately I have felt really lonely and needy for someone to listen and for someone to cry with. I have wanted to cry for some time now and feel that cleansing, but I don’t have many opportunities to be that intimate with a friend that I can break down and pour out all the worries and fears of my heart and soul. I’ve got the friends, just not the best of opportunities. I’m either too busy pretending that everything is ok and that I’m super brave, or I can sense my friends aren’t ready to face reality with me; “You are strong Shawna…God is with you…you’ll be ok…you can beat this…I know everything will be ok…I’m praying for you…just be positive! Keep fighting. I admire you for your strength! You’re amazing! You beat this before, you can do it again! Come on, lets do something fun to distract you!.”
I then find myself apologizing if I feel I’m opening up too much. I apologize if I take more then five minutes on the phone with a friend. I apologize if I end up writing an extra long email. If I have a need that I feel might be an inconvenience or something that makes someone else uncomfortable, then I apologize. I don’t want to be a bother to someone. I know their time is valuable. I know the things I share aren’t easy to digest. As a result, I feel I need to apologize for everything before I do it and once again apologize at the end. I just feel needy and want to be important enough to someone that they’ll take that time on the phone with me or read the extra long email.
Recently I wrote a couple really long emails to a friend. I apologized several times in the emails for being so lengthy. This friend responded in an email and said, “Never apologize for sending me any length email. This can be the first step of working on your goals…NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING YOURSELF. “
I’m taking her advice and putting this as my first goal, which will help me reach other important goals. I will not apologize for being myself.
There said!!!!
Long emails and phone calls can be expected now. LOL.
