Them negative waves began hitting me big time, today.
This morning, I was having an unusually hard time letting go of my baby at the creche. I had to go to work and he was all fun and cute.
I then noticed that I had forgotten to bring sterilised bottles with me, so I could not pump off any mothers milk at work. Since I had not done that regularly during the last 3 full work weeks, due to my boss being on holiday and me being too stressed to pump, my production had dwindled dramatically anyway and cannot fill Torin’s stomach anymore.
I have turned from a restaurant into a candy machine.
Torin is starting to refuse to breastfeed at all, since he is used to getting full and easy bottles at the creche, so why work for it when mum’s around?
He is also showing all signs of his first teething, meaning that breastfeeding will come to an end shortly, inevitably.
Later in the afternoon, I found that I had gotten my first period in over a year. This usually means that your body and baby are signalling each other that breastfeeding is coming to an end. The fact that I could theoretically conceive again is great, but I am extremely sad that the strong physical tie I had with my little guy since I delivered him is being cut off.
When I came home with Torin, I had a talk about this with bf and yes, I can rationalise all these facts and feelings. Still, when I put Torin to bed I noticed he had outgrown another size of pyjamas and tried a new size on. It fit perfectly. He’s a 68 now!
I put all my favourite 62’s in the washing machine so I could dress him in the absolute favourite outfit one more time tomorrow and maybe take a few photos, but, thinking about that, I fell apart crying my eyes out. I haven’t wailed like this in 2 years.
I know it’s hormones.
I know my baby is growing up.
He’s 5 1/2 months old.
I think back to those first long night breast-feeds in April and May. The lack of sleep was excruciating. Now, I miss these intimate moments so much.
My body is starting to move on, away from the pregnancy and away from sustaining my baby’s life outside the womb.
I love it and I hate it. 3 years ago