be at peace with my beliefs

I don’t know if I’m being a tad unrealistic by adding this to my goal list, but it’s really important to me. I went through five or six really tough years when I was completely away from God, and now that I’ve got myself in line again, I find that the church is struggling with new issues, as am I, and I don’t know how to reconcile the two. My main goal is to figure out what I believe and be okay with it, even if the church ends up taking a different position.

It is very strange. I have been very happy this past year and half to six months, for the most part, with very few downs. I do not know how this relates to God. But I am coming to be at peace with what I believe, in the sense that I believe in honestly, goodness, kindness, love, beauty, peace, joy, and hope. Not to sound like a Hallmark card or anything! LOL I still have that tiny voice in the back of my head, that says that my world might come crumbling down around me, but every time something negative comes, it seems a little less painful, as I accept that is a part of life, and continue to live.

This may be the toughest goal I aim to accomplish. I STILL don’t feel like I’m on the greatest standing with God.

OK, this is going to sound really stupid, but the first 23 years of my life were pretty unhappy. I didn’t realize this, till now, that I am really happy. Laugh most of the time, smile in general, like my life for the most part. However, whenever I try to really “get spiritual” I feel this huge wheight on me. I am afraid to go toward anything that will take me back to that unhappy place I used to exist in.

So the hardest step, is finding a way to dis-associate my feelings of sadness, with God. Unless He really does cause those feelings? In which case He and I are going to have a rocky relationship!

The book I am reading is titled “the Normal Christian Life” by Witness Lee…I was very excited to find a hardback version at the local bookstore, because, well…hardbacks!

Anyways, its one of the most informative, yet understandable books I’ve read about God inawhile. Last night I got to the chapter I was dreading though…consecration. First you come to the knowledge of God, then you reckon the knowledge as truth…then you come to see why you are Gods and not your own. Woah! They don’t sugar-coat it either. If you dedicate yourself, you will be “broken” like the bread, but then blessed and used to care for others.

I don’t know if I’m ready for that and this is what hangs me up every, single time. But I decided that this time instead of saying, woop, not for me, I’m going to chew over what I read inside for a little.

When God shines enough light so you can stop lying to yourself about what you believe and what you don’t.

There are three basic things in the Christian life which I have seen. Christ’s blood taking care of my sins, the acts of sin that I commit. Christ’s death having dealt with my nature of sin, for I sin because I am a sinner. And my mutual abiding in Christ being an act of faith; these acts have already been accomplished and I live in them; whether I choose to accept them is my choice.

Please, do not think I am preaching to you. I am sharing what makes me happy to realize. You may not believe any of this, and that is fine :) What I believe is real for me whether you believe, and what you believe is real whether I believe. Let us have peace that our reality is what we believe.

Yesterday morning, I sang a hymn to myself while I was doing the dishes, and was amazed to feel the knot I’ve been holding inside, unravel a little. Last night I awoke about 4 in the morning, and couldn’t sleep…started singing a hymn in my head, and was amazed at how the constant ache I carry with me was slightly eased. I MISS god (or at least the comfort the thought of Him affords me).