Embrace fear as opportunity

I hate playing music… well no, i’m just intimidated by the whole lexicon of music terms and languages especially transposing instruments and varied pitch ranges and fundemental series’. It fREAKS ME OUT!

I know that that thought process is what makes this all the more confusing. I know i need to learn this in a focused and optimistic way.

I think i need to start from the basics all over again.

The priorities here are as follows:

1. Be able and confident to accurately playtest and diagnose tuning and other playing problems in all of the instruments in the brass family.
a:Trumpet
b:Trombone
c:Baritone/Euphonium
d:French horn
e:Tuba

i) I want to be able to play a fundemental scale on each of these instruments and know the fingerings.
ii) I want to be able to have enough chops to give’r and play the harmonic ranges of all these instruments without too much bubble blowing.
iii) I want to develop an ear for tuning so that i can know what a ‘C’ sounds like etc.

2. I want to understand how to transpose, why there are two kinds of transposition and when you would use either/what instruments.

After i get this all down i’ll drag out my clarinet, my saxophone and i’ll re-rent a flute to remind myself how each of them is playtested for a time later on in my career that that comes in handy.

I think this will be my new years resolution, and my first timed goal on this site. Its a big one, and frankly i don’t know where i would even want to start.

I picked up Deepak Chopra’s ‘Seven Spiritual Laws of Success’ at the library the other day.

I agree with lots of it, feel like he’s hitting me over the head with some of it, and rolled my eyes maybe twice..
Something in it though which struck me and caught my current state of mind was the part in ‘The Law of Detachment’ where he talks about uncertainty.

Uncertainty, and the confused deer-in-headlights effect it has on me is a major source of anxiety in my life, or has been.

Its been a week and a bit with the Celexa and I should mention that it feels good.
I am grasping less and less for ‘security’ or perceived concepts of security anyway, and i still feel like my add self, i don’t feel numbed in the least, just less coiled up, and a touch more level.. its a better place to ‘work from’ :)

Anyway: Uncertainty

‘In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure i will feel, because uncertainty is the path to my freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty i will find my security.’ -Chopra

I love this idea.
In fact i feel like that is a concept i will adopt as my mantra for the next few weeks. I feel like it can become an autopilot reaction to the anxiety for now and perhaps as well for the time when/if i decide to cut out the medication.

I was able to shift my the course of my frustration with authority figures and bullies into a certain reverence and make them in concept my ‘zen master’(s)... i’m psyched for this next challenge.

Its completely disabling at worst, and mildly irritating at best. it makes me feel inconsitent and causes people to assume that i’m lacking self esteem.

I know deep down that everything is okay, that this too shall pass, that i am mortal and blessed to have the opportunity to fail. I know that i’m worth knowing and that i’ve got lots to offer the world, BUT…

I get caught in loops of self-judgement that it seems are impenetrable by normal means of physical activity, meditation, yoga, discussion…. i have never done the therapy thing, and the only thing that psychologists/atrists ever tell me is that i’m perfectly normal, well… no. Thats not the case.

I seek out approval in embarassing and irrational ways, i eat emmotionally, i cause drama and fish for complements, i abuse my body with over indulgent drinking and smoking, i have giagantic long distance bills from calling old friends who can talk me down, or just listen to me rant for hours at a time until i start to feel normal again. I have cut and otherwise damaged myself in the past. I wouldn’t say that i’m prone to depression, in fact i have a pretty sunny disposition for the most part, maybe even perky! I have occasional panic attacks and a few years ago, i was prescribed Ativan for occasional self-medication and have been using it pretty steadily once or twice a week just to keep on top of the times that my palms start to sweat and i can feel myself tumbling out of control.

For the most part i don’t think its entirely apparent how much i struggle with this, i don’t think that many people aside from close friends can see me for what i am. I think most people just see the slightly neurotic and perhaps adhd young lady that i probably am, and that’s great, but i would just like a normal week.

I would like a week where my heart isn’t racing, and where i’m not caught thinking about something for so long that the dominoes start falling and i’m late for work, and then in trouble, and then akward and flustered all day.

I’m a good girl, i mean well, i want to be the person i know i am all the time. I know most people probably feel like this, but I really don’t know what else i can do. I’ve tried everything i can think of up til now, and now i’m getting serious about it.

I got a scrip for ‘celexa’ today and i guess it will be a few weeks/month until i have an idea of what effect it might have on me and my life but i am hopeful.

My doc suggested that i start on a lower dose and build up to the daily dose and i’ll see her in a month about it…

I don’t like the idea of becoming reliant on anything. I don’t like that i’m looking beyond my determined heart to deal with this but after all these years of struggle, i want a break.
I love my energy and enthusiasm and other things that start with E, but i’d like to know whats on the other side of that.

Maybe i could have a beneficial and mutual relationship?
Maybe i could be better at my job?
Maybe i could have stronger relationships with my friends and family because ill be more apt to listen to them, rather than always trying to make sense of my headspace out loud in their confidence.

Maybe, and maybe not. We’ll see.

i need to relax dammit.
i got a text from my landlord that is foreboding… its foreboding because i like living here.
I’m sure it is something that can be worked out, and if not, i can totally find another place. My life is good. I need to just be happy and open to what comes.

i’m working on it.

I need to stop asking for other people to re-assure me and learn to self soothe and not to get so freaked out.
I’m IN CONTROL here, no one else… its my life and i need to stop being so anxious. I haven’t done anything wrong.

Its stressin’ me out not to know still but i’m making efforts to be constructive in the meantime.

I can’t wait to know what the future holds… but i must.
I also have to CHILL THE F OUT!

I took myself out for a windowshopping sunday afternoon walk this weekend just to get some me time and sort through the things in my head. Its good to get that space not from the people i love, but to be able to see them clearly.

:)

I’m so grateful for all that i’ve been given and for all the skills and talents i’ve aqquired.
:) YAY ME

I have to bite the bullet and start sending out resume’s to compare what might be available to me in terms of actual offers.
Its a scary prospect because i don’t have a solid favourite option at this point and because my life will probably stall wherever this job ends up taking me for at least 3-5 years while i pay down my loans and get some experience.

I don’t know what to expect and I don’t really know what i’m looking for beyond the basics:

-Someone who knows the trade that i can learn from
-The opportunity to get lots of repetition and consistent work
-A place to live that doesn’t depress me and make me want to flee
-A decent salary/benefits package/ability to work 2 jobs to pay down my loans as quickly as possible.

I could work with ANYONE i know this because i have worked with crazy people and kind of secretly loved the punishment. It adds to the challenge a little bit.

So yeah… lots of things dangling that i hope to have solutions for in the next TWO WEEKS. Scary-YAY!

I want to have a job in the first week of MAY NAILED DOWN!!!!

I’m reading Paolo Choelo’s ‘Eleven Minutes’ right now and i’m wrapt!

The paralels between the protag. and i in this moment of our experiences are so in line that i feel like he is my own little life coach.

I need to let go, to embrace the adventure and trusting in myself to let go some of my control.

I’m so afraid to love, to connect because i guess, i felt such a fool, and it tore so much from me when it didn’t work.

I’ve been looking at it wrongly, because the moments the ‘now’s little tiny gems of sunlight strolls or warm cuddley days under blankets hiding from snow, or meals made with much care and hearing love, the smells of old bookstores and new colognes these tiny little crystaline memories can’t be poisoned with regret, and i need to continue to look forward, live now and the chances we take make room for beautiful failures and collasal waves of melencholy both.

I’m here, lucky to be here, lucky to have this chance to screw up and get over it, and to make mine and someone elses life richer and more beautiful by taking chances even if only for a few moments because:
beauty is fleeting,
life is a gift and
what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

suck it up and stop second guessing yourself.

Lonely, Sub-Par, Emmotionally unavailable, Weird, Sociopathic, Angry, Repressed, Mean, Selfish.

These are some of the negative connotations to the idea of being a single woman in my mind. But in reality, when your head is in the right place, a spinster could mean; Confident, Fulfilled, Dynamic and Tennatious, Subtle and Satisfied.

I have such a strong want of companionship but i am such a complex person that it takes a lot to be with me so i have often settled for less than optimal relationships.
That isn’t to say that i am hyper critical of people or expect them to be perfect, just that i have stuck it out longer than i should have in a lot of cases becasue i was afraid of being left alone.

I know that i need to be able to be successfully alone before i would really let something in the way of relationship happen again, but it strikes me as funny that when i am in the ‘confident single woman’ mindframe, and i hold fast to my honorable guidelines, i am more attractive to men. But then when the chemical rush or ‘crush’ occurs, i turn into a totally insecure bore.

I guess I’m not afraid of being alone, i’m afraid of being rejected. The second i open up to someone, its like i’m at their mercy. I know i’m awesome, but somehow it becomes some guy who i don’t know that well’s job to remind me of that… that is lame.

I need to work through that particular character flaw. I should be able to stay the strong, witty and confident lass in all stages of relating.

I’m no good at:
I’m not ready for:
I’m not sure know what i want:
I’m worried this will end badly:
I need to prove myself (love myself) first:

Not to say that these thoughts are trivialities, its just that my actions are skewed by excuses and i’m not taking enough chances. I trust myself to know what i want/need but i’m second guessing all over the place.

I’ve actually backed myself into a corner with this fear by making my excuses public fodder. I’ve talked my way into an intimacy that i’m really just not interested in by being self effacing and insecure. Gross.

I’m not interested in this person and i need to stop beating myself up about it or excusing myself around it.

Hopefully I can turn this around and have it become a caring and mutually healthy friendship.

I hate needles.
But i love people.

I feel like i should be the kind of person who gives blood but i’m really REALLY anxious and i pass out very easily when i need to get a booster shot at the doctor’s office..

I might pass out or fail the initial standards test, but i would like to give something back to toronto, and i think blood might be the most timely effective thing to donate of myself right now.

SO: THE PLAN:

i don’t have one yet… but i’m going to stew on this for a week and figure it out.