be mindful

I have BPD, I am in DBT, I much more mindful than I ever was I think. Although being BPD or having it, you’re basically sensitive to every little thing, and since you respond and or think about it often, that’s alot of being Mindful.

Now I am just more aware of it. I like it.

This is a picture I took just outside of Scottsdale, Pheonix, USA. I am naming it, “Stop and be Mindful of the Moment. ;)

I am almost never in the moment. I multi-task even with my thoughts… processing what happened, what it meant, how I can do better next time, what I need to do, what’s coming up, how I can prepare, everything that could happen next and what I should do in each possibility, and how I can do it with so many kids and schedules and demands on my emotional and physical resources. Maybe that’s why it’s so important to me to record family and my personal history with writing and photography, because otherwise it passes by unremarked without my really experiencing it.

I’ve read articles about being more mindful, and they sound nice but my mind wanders back to anxiousness. Sometimes I fantasize about being trapped somewhere with nothing to do, no paper, no responsibilities, where I would finally be able to relax. In fact sometimes I meditate on being in that place in order to fall asleep. It’s a bright little cave on the side of a mile high cliff, just me and my comfortable bed where no one can reach me or need anything and I have nothing to do but rest.

Anyway, I accidentally discovered a way that I can be mindful. It’s sort of like in the movie the Butterfly Effect when the main character travels back in time and takes control of his young self for a few minutes, and has to quickly figure out when and where he is. I imagine myself randomly thrown into this moment and I concentrate on each sense. I am physically present in my body, and in my space and time. It’s hard to explain. But I feel my heart slow and my mind clear. I am working on being mindful more often.

Developing mindfulness is of great benefit to one�s self and to those who are around us. Developing mindfulness doesn�t mean not acting in a natural fashion � it means being mindful of what one is doing. If happiness arises one is mindful � happiness is here, it sadness arises one is mindful � sadness is here , if anger arises one is mindful anger is here . With mindfulness one then has the ability to observe -

happiness is here and I am glad and mindful that it too will depart

sadness is here and I am not glad but I am mindful that it too will depart

anger is here and I must be mindful that this not injure me or another being

I meditate nearly every day and hope to develope mindfulness knowing that it would be a valuable ally

I own my own business and years ago if an employee did something I didn’t like I might do something that was not mindful. I have gone to several meditation retreats and meditate on a regular basis and have become more mindful.
I illustrate in the hopes that the illustration might be of benefit to another person.

I have an employee who plays the daily number on a regular basis. He usually plays the number in the moring before coming to work. Last year the store where he plays the number had computer problems of some sort and for several mornings he couldn’t play his numbers. He started leaving work early morning to go to another place to play his numbers. This disrupted my business. One morning he said he was leaving and would be back soon. I asked him where he was going. He said “to play the numbers”. I became angry. Immediately upon becoming angry I thought “anger is here” . I observed that I was angry. I was mindful of anger. I immediately thought “what can I do to not allow this anger to injure me or another being?” I told the employee that he was being unfair to me. I asked him what would probably happen if he was working for someone else. He said “they would probably not let me go and tell me to go back to work”. I asked him why I not do the same. He thought a minute and said “i guess you have a point”. It was refreshing to observe the anger – see it form and be mindful enought to not allow the anger to damage me or another.

Mindfulness can be a great ally. I am working on this and hope that any others who work on this are rewarded with great success and happiness.

I try to be mindful of now. If it is cold, be mindful, it it is hot, be mindful if rain falls – be mindful.

i remembered to eat the tangerine. not to think about problems, not to think about work. just to sit and eat and think about the tangerine and taste it.

it was the best tangerine i have had in ages.

I’m getting there!

What I do is I try not to think too much. The great thing about life is that there are always dishes to be washed, sheets to be pressed and dissertation to be written… hahahha… it’s really therapeutic. Really!!

yeah, this one aint going so well, right now.

So, I have read on mindfulness sometimes. Lately though I dont function very well because of the paralysis of analysis. I think and I think and I think. Then I do nothing.

So this goal has drastically moved up on my list. Because I want to actually eat a tangerine. I want to actually wash my dishes rather than overthink, overanalyze every other situation in my life.

So here is to actually washing the dishes, cleaning the toilet, being there when my car breaks down. Heres to being completely in every moment rather than partially everywhere.

Some doors open only from the inside.

Sufi saying

Had some difficult moments recording pieces for my CD today. Came back to my breath, slowly quieting my mind so that I could play.