move on, like he has.

It’s strange how much change can occur within a month, a few days, a day, even a single hour.

I just re-red some of my entries on this goal and I don’t feel like I wrote them. Well, what I mean is that I don’t recognize the state of mind I was in when I wrote them… I don’t miss him right now. I haven’t for the past 3 days. I still feel some anger and disappointment but all-in-all… I don’t care anymore. It’s more like, I can’t remember what I miss exactly, I don’t miss the person he is now. I miss or missed, the person he used to be when we were “in love” and when we called each other “friends”.

I’ve been happy lately and sometimes I wonder if he is too. Then I just shrug the question off and go on with my day. I don’t want to feel any resentment towards him and I’m working on that. He was never bad to me (on purpose), he had his emotional issues and I let them get to me at times. But I know, he never ment to hurt me.

The weird thing is, that I cared about him SO much and I tried to take care of him and put him first… always (even after he broke up with me). I tried to do everything and anything not to hurt him and to make sure he was happy that I started losing sense of myself. It was unhealthy but I don’t regret it, I feel like he needed it and I know that I would want someone to take care of me like that when I feel abandonned, alone and broken. But the emotional drainage left me is such gloom.

Now I don’t even want to see him again… I wish him luck and happiness but I want nothing to do with it.

I
miss
you

when I told him that I feel completely disconnected from the world and that no one captures my attention. Oh and that I’m attracted to emotionally unavailable or unstable douches.

” You need a nice sweet gentleman type who understands the female psyche enough to play the unstable douche role long enough for you to fall for him, and dispense the nice guy-isms in short irregular intervals just to keep you on your toes”

Smart kid this one.

I’ve distanced myself alot from him. We haven’t been speaking in a while and it doesn’t feel to bad. I still care about him, I think I always will but I feel detached…

My feelings got super confused this last month. I thought I was over him but when I heard he found someone else, it affected me in a way that proved I wasn’t. I hope that when my mind and heart become clear, we can resume our friendship.

Also, I’ve met a guy that seems great but he reminds me of my ex way too much. It’s him with a different face. The way he speaks, his interests, even the way he conducts himself. And he’s so cute! I might have a crush.

BUT I think I’ll take my time before dating again, play it by ear.

Oh sweet symphony

Oh sweet symphony, will you have mercy, will you have sympathy
Over this pain galore that won’t let me rest at night
Maybe we just might… (oh sweet symphony)
You still make me weak, I see you move on, I see you not care
Oh despair…

My body doesn’t seem to agree, it reacts so violently
You should have more decency
But who am I to judge, it was all but an eventuality

I’ll let you know this though,
I tried, I really did, I was good to you, through and through
Now, you behave as if you never knew me
As if you never held me, touched me, broke me

I’ve said it before, I’ve never wanted a muse
Now you came along and flooded my mind, forced a recluse
Too much too say, to much to write about something that doesn’t matter anymore
But oh how I wanted more, so much more.

You’ve got me writing about this wretched feeling in the centre of my chest
It won’t go away, the days pass quickly but without much success

Oh sweet symphony, what you meant to me

I’ve never been much of a writer but this boy makes me do silly things.

I hate you for leaving me all alone
I hate you for making me feel so happy and then breaking my heart
I hate you because you forgot about me
I hate you because I still think of you on a daily basis
I hate you because you didn’t try
I hate you for the empty promises
I hate you for the way you used to look at me and kiss me
I hate you for showing me bliss
I hate you for all the sweet things you will never say to me again
I hate you for the memories
I hate you because you hurt me, you broke me
I hate you because thinking of you made me cry today
I hate you because you don’t miss me while I still miss you
I hate you because “tu parles pour parler”
I hate you because you always took me for granted
I hate you because you won’t vacate my heart! Nor head…
I hate you because they were right about us
I hate you for recovering from your addiction to me
I hate you because you found her
I hate you because you love her
I hate you because I was doing fine until today

I hope she makes you happy. I’m just having a bad day and I needed you… Treat her well. Try not being as fickle…

I know we’re not good for each other but it still hurts.

I’m only allowed to check this off my list when I fall in love again, when he vacates my heart, when not a smidge of romantic feeling is left for him.
I’m being anal about this because I checked off “get over him” a bit prematurely.

I miss you, But things are different now. I cry when I think about us, not because I hate you, not because I want you back but because I’m glad we met when we did. You entered my life at such a difficult time, you made me feel alive again when I felt my world was falling apart. Everything was chaos but you, with your kindness and love made me feel at ease, at peace. You were my escape and for that I’m grateful. I don’t recent you for moving on, it is for the best. We were meant for each other at that specific time frame and we used it well but now it has expired. Nowadays, it still hurts sometimes, I still miss you and how we used to be. I will always care about you and I wish you the best.

still i stumble, enslaved by this shitty thing called love. Its final now though… i have to move on. BECAUSE he has. because it hurts that he has. because i will never heal, as long as he is in my life this way.