Write a page a day for a month

I don’t know what to make of the mess I’ve gotten myself in.

Did I write everyday? No

Did I write a page for every day, ie. 30 pages? Yes.

I wrote almost 60 pages. I got farther than I would have if I hadn’t taken on the challenge of writing a page a day for a month. It is a success, but not as much of a success as I was hoping. I am not really trying to play a game of semantics, I know what I meant when I challenged myself.

I have to consider reality, though. Do I pay my consequences of no chocolate for every day I did not write? That would equal eleven days of no chocolate. A week and a half.

But I would just like to put forth the challenges of this month that were not part of my consideration when I set forth this goal.

Half way through this goal, S had to go back to NYC to work, leaving me alone, 24-7 with a one year old and a three year old. In addition to that, my hours at the Sunset settled in to three or four days and/or nights a week. Luckily, the grandparents have been available for babysitting, but that is mostly only when I am working.

These are the results of my changing situation.
There are fewer stolen moments during the day when I can get some writing done (whether on my book or on line) like after dinner when S would take the kids out side for a constitutional while I would sneak on the computer to check emails, comment on blogs, or post/cheer on 43Things. This means that I do these things during nap time more often, so less noveling time.

I am the only one now sweeping cheerios and collecting toys and changing diapers and washing dishes and making dinner and going grocery shopping etc. That means I spend more time on chores and less… you guessed it, on writing.

I am now on duty from the moment they wake up in the morning. I have lost my extra sleep in the morning. It was anything from a few moments to a couple hours of extra sleep. I am not a person who can get by on less sleep, and because of this, I don’t have the energy or mind power at night to get much done. Is it an excuse? Quite possibly, but I wasn’t aware of the issue until a couple days ago, and not being aware of it, I couldn’t do anything about it.

I am not cooking as much, since it’s harder to cook with the kids around and I am often working at dinner time. What this means is that the kids are eating quick and/or prepared meals that I often don’t take part in. And then I forget to eat or eat crap. Which leaves me with not so much energy which means, less writing.

Plus, remember, I am working. That’s about 18-30 hours less that I have to get done all the other stuff, whether that is chore stuff, relaxing stuff, creative stuff, or working on my novel. If I work during the day, I kind of crash at night. If I work during the night, I get home and totally crash, straight from work, pretty much.

And then, the situation that is less logistical and more emotional. I’ve been kind of blue. It’s getting better, but there was quite a while where I was just unmotivated.

So this was the sitch. What is the point of my goal, though? It wasn’t to reach the goal or else. It wasn’t to punish myself. It was to develop a writing practice.

I have learned a few things about my writing practice during the past month.

One, I am writing all the time… just not on my novel. I am also working on my art. I am putting time into my writing career, time that is not just writing itself, but understanding the industry and marketing and all that…so while I have not technically been working on my novel itself every day, I have been working on writing, and I have been writing far more than a page a day counting all my projects.

Two, I need to take into account the times that are/are not working for me. Yes, 2 pm seems to be the best hour… except when I have to do some basic maintenance like shower or eat something… and except for when the kids decide not to sleep past two… and except for the days when I am working during the day… and except for the days when I have activities with my mom or other family members. Whew! That’s a lot of excepts. Maybe it’s not the best time. Night time before bed could work, but I spend some time chatting with my uncle at night… the uncle who is letting us stay here for free. He deserves the attention. Plus, my energy has gone down at night, as I noted, so it’s gotten harder to be creative.

Hey. Here’s what I decided. I am NOT going to punish myself for not writing this month. I AM, though, going to put myself back on the block and take up the challenge AGAIN. This time with the lessons from my not-so-successes.

The real punishment is and always has been that I am not writing and my own disappointment in myself. Taking chocolate away from a woman who really doesn’t have all that many luxuries, that just seems…cruel.

Back to the grindstone. No rest for the weary. I’m going to keep writing my book and I am going to build up my writing practice and finish my novel.

What do you think about that?

The last week or so has not been very good for my writing.

There are definite reasons for it. This is a bad time to really focus on my writing.

But the truth is, it’s almost always a bad time. If I want to be a real writer, one who makes a living at doing the thing, then I have to write even when it’s not a bad time.

I am understanding of my own frailties, I am not beating myself up, but I am also understanding of what it takes to do an endeavor like writing a book and taking it all the way to the end.

I am going to continue to try to write as much as I can.

Maybe I will try to figure out some way around my frequent resistance to writing.

I can’t let my bad/sad/mad mood take over. Maybe, if I am aware that I start to feel blue when the kids go down for nap, then I can do some things that can get the inspiration going, instead of going on Facebook and doing Buffy Trivia.

I don’t know what to do about this. The goal I set for myself is to write every day for thirty days. I am about a week an a half in and I missed two days.

I didn’t miss it because I was shirking, I missed it because I was working. (haha I made a rhyme)

Could I have gotten home from working on my feet all day, then feeding and putting the kids to bed, and gotten straight to my book? I could have, but yesterday I fell asleep crossways on the bed. Konked out. And then by the time I woke up I was all fuzzy headed and dehydrated and still tired. The day before yesterday we had plans to go to my mom’s, so I didn’t get the kids to bed until 10, by which time I was totally exhausted.

I could have pushed it. Didn’t. I could have gotten home and gone off into my corner in the enclosed porch to write for fifteen minutes. Didn’t. One night I watched a movie with Sean and Uncle, the next night we all sat and chatted.

Perhaps I don’t have the will power, but perhaps it’s better not to be too rigid about it. I don’t need to punish myself by writing when I am in extreme circumstances. I do, however, need to keep an eye on my excuses. Being tired happens to be one of my most beloved excuses to get out of doing things that scare me or are hard. Or things I just don’t want to make the effort to do.

Sometimes, I have trouble treating myself well. I am harder on myself than I ever would be on a friend or a student. Sometimes I get lost in my personal fears of inadequacy and I get down on myself or punish myself. Or I give up. It is in those times when I have to remember how I would treat the situation if it wasn’t about me.

If I were my friend, I would be supportive and write off the two days and just encourage my friend to do better on the rest of the goal.

If I were a teacher and my students did something like that, they would lose points for not reaching the assignment goals. They might cry that they were ahead of their goals for the other days… like I am. They might tell me sob stories about how they didn’t feel good and needed to sleep… like I did. None of that, though, changes the fact that they missed a couple of days. Now, the extra work on the other days might make up for the missed assignment in the long run… good job student… but in the short run, I think missing the assignment does matter.

So you know what? I am going to take the consequences. I said write everyday for a month or give up chocolate for a month. Instead of being draconian about it, and making it a whole month of lost chocolate for a normal lack of perfection, I think I lose only two days of chocolate. Starting when the goal is over, that’s when I will have to pay the consequences… just so I don’t happen to try to “give up” chocolate on a random day when I neither want nor eat chocolate anyway.

At the end, I’ll tell you how many days I am banned from chocolate.

Right now, the total is 2.

But my goal of writing everyday is still on track and I am still proud of myself for doing as much as I have been doing.

Good job, student. Good job, friend. Good job, me.

Twice, no three times, I’ve left this for the evening. And then I get caught up in other things. Then I get too tired. Then I eat chocolate and watch movies and talk.

Sigh.

I really should try to stick to my 2pm writing slot. That seems to be the most productive time for me.

To be fair to me, I have actually written quite a bit… oh well, mostly on emails, chats, message boards and here… but really that has taken over what used to be my journals, and that counts as writing.

But not the writing I mean for this goal. I mean, for this goal, to be writing in my poor neglected novel. The second draft.

On the plus side, I realized that reeses pieces do not have chocolate and so if I did have to give up chocolate on failing this goal (although I am now thinking it should be giving up a day of chocolate for every day of writing missed, because otherwise it’s just plain cruel) I could still eat reeses pieces.

^{please all notice that I am not actually working on my novel right now.}

and I am still working on my goal.

And it has been rather painful, after the first two days of good feeling.

The phrase “forcing myself to write” has been thought/said/written more than once.

But I feel good when I have lived up to my promises. I feel good when I realize I have written almost twenty pages. I feel good when I conquer problems or questions I have had with my story.

So, onward and upward.

I am afraid of this goal. I challenged myself and if I don’t do it, I have to give up CHOCOLATE.

But I really need a kick in my pants. I need to take it seriously. I need to just do it. So I’m laying it on the line.

Commit, or lose chocolate.

I am open to the possibility of allowing a day off here, and there. Perhaps with a make up writing session…although, maybe not, because that there may be where the danger and back sliding lies.

I’m not crazy. I do understand that there might be days that I am not able to write, and I don’t want to “fail” at my goal because of them. Perhaps I need to do my extra writing sessions for those days BEFORE the actual day. Rather than doing it “later” which, come on, is how I got into this mess of not writing again.

Yes. I am okay with the writing before the missing day. Or writing after midnight on that day. If I have to work one night, I can come home and pound out some words, even if it is past midnight will count because I haven’t gone to sleep. So that basically means I have to write my words before I go to sleep that day. Before includes the day before. It’s fudging the rules a little, but they’re my rules, so I’m okay with that.