work on my emotional intelligence

I had the most horrible dream ever last night!! I was dreaming that some people from high school (who I’m no longer in touch with) set up this grand scheme to embarrass and ridicule me. And they invited the press to witness it! It started with me waking up with my face all covered with awful acne (and we’re talking “encyclopedia of medicine”-grade acne!) and realizing a former best friend is remote-controlling the curtains in my room and trying to make me go mad or expose my acne-covered face to the press waiting outside. :shudder: Then I received a package from those high school people that contained letters telling me what an awful, horrible, disgusting person I am, and some marijuana (_{it looked more like dessicated coconut dyed brown, and I wondered about that while dreaming, but then just shrugged and played along}) so the cops they called along with the press could bust me and get me to prison!!!

I can relate some of the elements from my dream to real-life influences (_{like acne – probably because I was experimenting with new face cream yesterday and it irritated my skin a little, so it was still itchy when I went to bed}), but I’m still wondering about the general message of the dream. I thought I’d been treating my friends well, so why this?

_{PS. I’m glad I kept my wits about me even in the dream and promptly flushed the marijuana down the toilet so I wouldn’t get into trouble. ;)}

My friend’s mum died. He’s just texted me. I have no idea what to write in my reply, but I’m hoping sincerity will do, no matter how awkward.

_{PS. He said simply “My Mum died today”. And that simplicity and straightforwardness is breaking my heart right now.}

i think a huge amount of my energy is expended on ‘the other’, so much so that I have nothing left for me. I feel drained and lifeless yet, if I chose to derive my self-esteem from the acceptance of others, it makes sense that I would need to expend a huge amount to please everyone I met. I really need to find that balance, without going too far in the other direction that I push other’s away. I kind of do that already because I’m so sure they won’t like what they find so I feel I need to placate them just to make sure they ‘hang around’. How rubbish is that? It’s a totally false dynamic. I guess that’s why I’m at pains to placate, it’s the only level of ‘friendship’ I can handle? I obviously set it up this way because it gives me the payoff of being able to convince myself that I have lots of friends without the intimacy that would allow them to see my flaws. So lots of people like me, few actually know me and it isn’t working for me anymore. To let people in, I would have to be genuinely proud of who I am, and I’m not. Even “christian’ people I have met, form opinions. In their defence, they are only observing reality and God seeks truth. It’s not the ‘truth’ that I’m actually concerned about because I know my flaws pretty well by now, it’s the total lack of acceptance and ostracis(ation?) I naturally feel they will respond with. I don’t accept myself at all and I expect other’s won’t either, so for them to see deeper into who I am, it would only be all the more harrowing to feel their wrath. My lack of acceptance goes really deep and I would feel their inner belief to ‘get a grip’ of myself in an annoyed tone would only serve me to dig deeper into myself. They would say that it’s my lack of faith in God but I just can’t bring myself to self-acceptance even though I do believe in God. I believe I have failed myself, my family, my friends, my community and ultimately God. I can’t believe that God would love someone so flawed.

so i realised that my irresponsibility was actually a way of clinging to the crumbs of what i thought i had. that creating a bail out situation guaranteed attention, which i took for love since that’s all that was on offer. It was me that was clinging to something i can now never get since time has moved on and i never will. It ‘created a bond’ ? Any failure I had, I placed squarely on others shoulders, without a second glance in the mirror. This allowed me to fail without ‘consequence’ and furthered the self-fulfilling prophecy, thereby allowing me to continue to fail and not expect more of myself, because it was ‘out of my hands’ and ‘inevitable’. I have had no self-accountability whatsoever in my life. I have even allowed myself to fail, when at times I was still in a situation that I could have resolved it and won in the end. why did i not take action to help myself?
Because I was failing by having stumbling blocks in the first place? Ie. If I was credible, I would have forseen these and dealt with them before they arose and therefore I’m not worthy, credible, intelligent to pull it off anyway so I might as well let it slide cos obviously I haven’t got the ability anyway.
A part of it is anger. Every time I fail a part of me enjoys telling my parents because it’s proof of their bad parenting. Do I fail deliberately? I can’t be angry at them so I passively aggressively fail at everything to make them feel bad. Like the fruit of their efforts, they get to suffer their failings and I lay it on thick. I feel so so horrible writing this. I feel sick and depraved.
It seems I’m clinging unhealthily on one hand and putting them down on the other. where is the genuine bond if this is the make-up of the dynamic? It’s like im clinging to make them see how much of a loser they have created, payback. Yet i seek their approval too. So I submit to them in aspects that I should be handling myself. Maybe it’s my only way of connecting with them? It’s my only way of feeling like im their daughter.

argh! I need to just get over this crush on a guy…I really thought we had a connection, he told me he uses people. How could I not have seen? A part of me still thinks that he didn’t want to admit he had feelings because it makes him vunerable (issue). It’s like he’d rather die or have you hate him than admit that he cares.
Maybe I just don’t want to accept the facts. I’m tired of second-guessing, I have put so much into trying to understand him that I feel drained. A part of me thinks if i could just understand where he really is, then I would be fine…because that same part thinks he did feel something. I can’t ask now, it’s too late, too much has happened since and I don’t want him thinking I’m pining…which I am. How sad! How do I get out of this funk?

wondering in awe, how some people are able to treasure themselves…find whimsy…really focus their thoughts on their process, really value their process and themselves and not feeling belittled and childish and especially self-indulgent. I realise that I have learned to perceive pursuit of self-value and self, as selfish, childish, self-indulgent. Even alone, I cannot escape the echoes of the past, they thunder in my head so I can’t hear my own voice desperately struggling to be heard. How do I change my feeling that this is not self-indulgent? I know where it came from but I can’t find the phrase I need to replace it, I can’t validate it, because it’s self-indulgent and wrong. I would feel shunned and belittled, cut down to size in a second if I tried. “Who do you think you are?”. There is so much latent energy and passion that I cannot seem to connect to and I’m so frustrated I want to cry, because stepping up, trying, caring about yourself is totally self-indulgent and wrong. I feel very alone in this, knowing that this is what i have to do, but unable to connect to it, because it feels wrong, immoral even. Where is the inspiration I need to allow myself to take myself seriously?
I think it’s perceived that if I value myself, I will be going against the moral code of my family because I will not be following them. If I know what’s best for myself, I’m not being reverent or respectful. How do I even learn what is best for myself when I am so shackled?

Let’s just say I’m severely lacking in this department.