Find and cultivate the love of my life

and I know there are no guarantees but I’ll never know unless I devote my full energy and attention to this pursuit. I’ve fallen in love in the past and the relationship sprang from that. This time the relationship is the focus, with the necessary attraction and compatibility present, and it remains to be seen if we fall in love.

he’s intelligent, a quick thinker, sophisticated, and I love his South Boston accent. He has his quirks, just as I have mine, and it remains to be seen just how compatible our quirks are.

and this weekend I discovered the kind of man who’ll bring me the most joy in my life is a man I’m already dating. This is a man who is so different in type for me and while I have appreciated many things about him I’ve also told him to date other women. I feel differently now.

so amazing that I’m seeing him again tonight. We connect beautifully mentally, physically, and we communicate so well together. We can talk about topics both silly and deep within the same conversation and understand each other. And he’ll never love me, I think I’m OK with that. In the past I’ve found myself falling for him emotionally, I think it’s a natural outcome of the other connections. Emotionally I don’t think he’s well-suited to me, mainly because he doesn’t feel that way about me but also because his temperament is too similar, perhaps. If this becomes too painful for me I’ll stop. If it becomes difficult or awkward or unrewarding I’ll stop. For now, he’s the one who lights me up the most.

but seldom is the compatibility there long term. Perhaps my male energy bristles and rubs them the wrong way at some point. Perhaps their lack of access to their emotional life frustrates me and leaves me finding them somewhat hollow. Like a milk chocolate easter bunny, sweet, tempting, but hollow on the inside :-)

not sure where it’s headed but I will remain intentional, ethical, and true to my spirit.

and for sex in my life lately, what I haven’t manifested is the opportunity for love, until now. To love and be loved in return for who I am. I’m considering this opportunity. In the past I have loved how I was loved by my partner. I have also spoken the words when I felt a moment of deep intimacy and connection. While these are aspects of love they are by no means the entirety of the experience. I want the whole enchilada.

Without the heart connection and without feeling deeply appreciated, I will no longer give myself to a man. It hurts me too much. I feel as though some of my feminine essence is being drained without being replenished by his masculine energy. He’s a bit of vampire that way, and he needs multiple partners from whom to feed off of.

I can’t continue to sleep with R when it brings me emotional pain because he won’t or can’t return the depth of emotion that I feel for him at times. It feels more bad than good, time to stop.

and I had a conversation with a friend who’s tired of dating and wants to find “the one” to settle down with, but he’s been dating for 3 YEARS. I’ve no business feeling like I have to rush things after just 6 months. Not that there is a timeline for these things, sometimes it happens quickly for some, takes decades for others. We attract who we are not who we want. My intention is to find that special person to settle down with, not just settle.