Be Extra Kind and Gentle with Myself for 63 Days

I can’t believe it has been 63 days since I started this. I wanted to end up in less pain, I’m not. I would say it is even worse pain. I have however learned so much about myself. I will continue to sit with all my feelings. I will continue to Be Kind and Gentle with Myself everyday. I may still be in a lot of pain over this loss, but then tomorrow is a date that was to be very special a year from now and it brings forth so much ache. I really thought I would have adapted more by now. I do know I am stronger than I have ever been. One real bonus to sitting with my feelings and not diving into my addictions has been the inches lost on my waist. When one sits and cries and doesn’t eat M&M’s or Oreo Cookies one doesn’t punish ones self for hurting. I hurt, I am strong, I am not a push over, I deserve to be loved and adored by someone who won’t change their mind about me in 24 hours. Miracle or not. This process was hard and worth doing. I will continue.

I had taken my son to work this afternoon and then I went to get my daily dose of iced coffee. On my way back down Hwy 9, I spotted a woman sitting in the middle of the road with her head hanging down. No one was stopping. Cars were buzzing past her at 40-45 miles per hour. I pulled over and saw a man screaming at her and trying to pull her off the road. He gave up. I called the sheriff and then carefully made my way into traffic and stood by the woman so we had a little bit of a fighting chance with the cars. Traffic cleared and I knelt down to speak to her in my fiercest Mother/Daughter of a Marine DI/Super strong voice. “We Must Get Out of the Road Or Else We are Going to Die” She was willing now to move. We barely made it into the shoulder of the road when the bus came and the man that was yelling at her got on the bus. She was inebriated. She was bleeding on her face and hand. Another woman came to stand with me. I imagined we looked like penguins with a our large egg at our feet. We offered shade to the woman while we waited, just out of the lane, for the sheriff. My saving companion and I struck up a lovely conversation about living in the mountains and our children, grandchildren and homeschooling all while guarding our ward. An ambulance came and the ambulance driver knew this woman who was sitting in the middle of the road. Her name was Sarah. She has been trying to commit suicide, in traffic, for a couple months now. Oh Sarah! As the ambulance drivers were putting on their gloves to move Sarah, I reached down and lay my hand on her head and asked God to Bless Her. All three of the others freaked. Don’t touch her! I touched her. I asked God to bless her. The ambulance drivers were not kind as they dragged her to the ambulance. My saving companion and I hugged, holding on for an extended time. God Bless You Sarah…Please choose life, life is so hard sometimes, but it really can be worth it. There but for the grace of God go I.

The last three days have been so unreal. My daughter separated from her husband, became homeless, moved in to her brother’s room, which he offered her, with her two children, ages 3 and 7. My son is sleeping with friends and will on occasion sleep on the trundle of my daybed, IN THE FREAKING LIVING ROOM. An acquaintance of my younger son committed suicide. I ache for his parents and my son and all of our community affected by this tragedy. My prayers are for the young man. My almost ex husband put me in the position of calling him out on his drinking in front of all his children and grandchildren. I could have let it go, I have always let it go. This time I promised him faithfully I would call the police if he got behind the wheel. He balked, just try me I responded. He let me drive him home. He is willing to go into rehab. I can’t believe the pressure right now and yet, when it gets to the point that I think I might throw up, I sit down, I breath very deeply and I talk to myself about how hard this is and that it is OK to cry, scream, laugh hysterically and just sit and breath for a few minutes. I pray…I know I will make it through all of this because I am learning how to be kind and gentle with myself. Today I was kind and gentle with a very frightened three year old grandson. I kissed him, I cuddled him, we high fived and yes we even bumped. Life moves on, handle with care.

I have learned so much the last month and a half. This would have been a really good skill to learn many years ago. Being kind and gentle with myself can be really hard to do. Patience is the key. My inner conversation with myself has changed so much. I expected so very much of myself for so many years. It has been 109 for the last couple days. I would have pushed myself to exhaustion in the past. I didn’t. I paced myself. I have compassion for myself and even my husband. My child almost died on his camping trip this week. Thank you God, it wasn’t his time. My son and I had a wonderful visit tonight. All of the new truths we are discovering around here are so hard on everyone. I must remember that I need to give everyone else their time to grieve. Life is changing so very fast. Deep Breath!

Deep Breath. I stayed by myself all day. I found some of my precious things that were packed during my move from my daughter’s home. I put them around the room. It looks more like “I” live here now. Everything of my almost ex husband’s that was in this room is now packed. I did have a wonderful conversation on the phone with my alternative health care provider. We talked more about doing this work and being careful to watch for depression. Both he and my therapist are happy I am willing to do this deep work. Happy is not a word I’d use. Essential is the word for me. I don’t think I have a choice.

Well here it is. Here is the door I always avoid like the plague. This is the OMG I’ve been abandoned again. I guess I need to walk through this door so I can stop being abandoned. This relationship turned on a dime after much reassurance that it was something I could count on. My husband could NEVER be counted on. I keep abandoning myself. I started this goal by recognizing that I don’t keep promises to myself. I’ve come full circle. I keep abandoning myself and keep choosing friends and mates that abandon me. I use busy, and money games and ill health (I’m speaking of the things I have control over) to deflect the pain I feel. I used to use alcohol and food games as well. Well…here we go, it’s time to stand up for myself and walk through the door.

Comcast screwed up. The lion in me roared. I did warn the poor lad who answered the customer service call that he needed to understand that I was so pissed. I really tried to force myself to stay in the moment and not allow my anger at my loss to affect my anger at being stuck in my house and “forgotten” by Comcast. This is really hard. I feel so nauseous. I’m very aware of the added stress of the fires and smoke. I’m continuing to journal.

I’m having trouble with this angry stuff. Sitting with the feelings and letting them pass as I did with the sad stuff is just so much harder. I’m really understanding how much of my “busy” has been fueled with anger. Have I been angry my entire life? Probably. In the first few days of sad I tried to “run” and “do busy”. This is even harder. I really have to control my impulse to call my friend and focus all this anger energy back at this person. I refuse. These feelings don’t all belong there. I need to process this stuff. Good Lord in Heaven, I wonder what I am going to find under this stuff.

LOTS of tears today. I’m not sure why. Something was said by someone about my someone and then I really lost it. My sons were wonderful. They are very tall and kept kissing me on the top of my head. They both knew what was said was inappropriate. It was nice to have validation by two very young men. Even though I am sad today it doesn’t feel like a step backward. I should check the date against my calendar, it’s probably significant. Deep Breath!

I actually slept ALL day. I missed Mass. It’s OK! I didn’t take my friend to her Lutheran Services. It’s OK! I wore my PJ’s all day. That didn’t seem OK. That didn’t feel like I was taking good care of myself. I’ve had jammie days before but this wasn’t right. I want to stay in my feelings but not get morose, unless morose is required on this journey. I now know the difference. Taking good care of myself through this is very important.