As I near graduation, I feel like I am actually becoming into myself. The urgency of the times have forced me to really consider who I am and what I will be doing.

I am starting to understand what I want, but currently, I find it difficult to jump right in. In many ways, I think, I am shooting a step beyond what I can achieve at the moment, or rather what is normally achievable for someone in my position.

This intermediary step is a wall, one that I’m not yet sure how to navigate. 2 years ago

Today I read an excerpt from Sartre on Existentialism that resonated with me. I particularly like the last line because it highlights the responsibility and capacity we have to define ourselves.

first of all, man exists, turns up, appears on the scene, and only afterwards, defines himself. If man, as the existentialist conceives him, is indefinable, it is because at first he is nothing. Only afterward will he be something, and he himself will have made what he will be. Thus, there is no human nature, since there is no God to conceive it. Not only is man what he conceives himself to be, but he is also only what he wills himself to be after this thrust toward existence.

Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself. (p. 15)

Existentialism and Human Emotions by Jean-Paul Sartre 2 years ago

An excerpt about René Descartes describes perfectly the way I feel about my associations with my peers, as well as my relation to the space/place I inhabit.

[Descartes] withdrew to a quiet address in the Faubourg St. Germain, where no one went visiting, and lived in seclusion while pursuing his thoughts in peace.

This was to be Descartes’s favored way of life throughout the rest of his years. Yet after settling down for a few months, he suddenly bolted. He seems to have been driven by two finely balanced obsessions: solitude and travel. Never having felt close to his fellow men, he had no wish to live in their company. And never having had a real home, he felt no desire to create one for himself. He was forever restless and solitary.

- Paul Strathern’s Descartes in 90 Minutes

Often I have a longing for someplace new, although a fear of the unknown and its infinitude of possible outcomes. Thus, I appreciate a sense security and belonging, yet it often leads a point of overwhelming dissatisfaction and the unfulfilling feeling of standing still; unaccomplishment. 3 years ago

I found a reassuring passage in a book I am reading about Immanuel Kant. Always have felt dissimilar to my perception of my peers and this description of Kant nails my situation on the head:

Kant continued to live his life of rigid routine. This did not preclude an element of socializing, through this was always very much a minor element in his life. He maintained relations with a number of his brighter students as well as a few members of the faculty. Yet he was never close with any of them. (No one was addressed with the informal “du,” even after decades of social contact.) Thought was his life. “For a scholar, thinking is a means of nourishment, without which, when he is awake or alone, he cannot live.” He was more intent on knowing himself than anyone else. But the task of getting to know Kant proved as difficult of himself as it was for others. “I do not understand myself sufficiently,” he complained. Perhaps he was afraid of what he might find. Here Scharfstein makes a fundamental point: “This thing-in-itself was not simply unknown, it was forbidden; for it was Kant’s suppressed emotional life, I take it, and he was afraid that if it was revealed, he would be devastated.”

Kant was well aware that he had no friends. But this didn’t bother him. He was fond of quoting Aristotle’s remark: “My friends, I have no friends.” Indeed, he positively recommended this state. “Friendship is a restriction of favorable sentiments to a single subject, and is very pleasant to him towards whom they are directed, but also a proof that generality and goodwill are lacking.”

Psychologists have claimed that Kant’s inability (or unwillingness) to form close relationships indicated a profound unhappiness. But Kant does not appear to have been unhappy. Quite the opposite. Those who met him remarked on his cheerfulness. “Kant’s disposition was by nature ment for cheerfulness. He saw the world with a glad look… and transferred his cheerfulness to external things. Therefore he was usually disposed to be happy,” was a typical observation by one of his colleagues.

-Paul Strathern’s Kant in 90 Minutes 3 years ago

Summer 2009 – In-house design job

Fall 2009 – Study Japanese, work hard in class, complete a freelance project, apply for study abroad

Spring/Summer 2010 – Study abroad in Japan

Fall 2010 – Internship

Spring 2011 – Senior Thesis/Graduation

Summer 2011 – Finish working in-house, Design Camp

Fall 2011 – in-house/art center fellowship, external design internship

Spring 2012 – internship hunting/travel

Summer 2012 – internship hunting/international design workshop

Fall 2012 – in-house/art center fellowship

Spring 2013 – Job hunting 3 years ago

found an article recently about left and right brain functionality.

it presents an image of a silhouette spinning in circles. depending on the direction you perceive that it is spinning determines the region of your primary brain functionality.

i invariably see it spinning clockwise (apparently i am a minority) thus i primarily use the right hemisphere of my brain. from their definition, here is a list of right brain qualities:

uses feeling
“big picture” oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can “get it” (i.e. meaning)
believes
appreciates
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking

few i can agree with, big picture, imagination, future focused, philosophy, sees possibilities. yet many others i do not find apparent.

to me it seems that it is impossible to lump people into two categories base upon their perception. it is presented as if i only had one half of a brain, which is most definitely untrue. (yet how do i know? maybe nothing is there) thus we are all an amalgamation of lists and of brain function. 4 years ago

in the next few years this is what i want to do.

take a course in japanese over the summer.
go to japan this time next year.
graduate from undergrad.
do a series of internships around the states, europe, and japan.
go to grad school to research design technology and human interaction.
start my own business catering to freelancers.
apply my knowledge to science and education.
place my experimental design and art in an exhibition.
set off to do my own directed design, starting a personal design studio.
possibly teach.

everything i do is culminating towards this direction. 4 years ago

another question from said peer.

What’s the point to learning if everyone is eventually going to die?
to attempt to know ourselves.

what is known lives beyond death, as collective human knowledge. the unknown will transpire, the known will become unfounded; each development is a step closer to understanding.

do we know ourselves?
no, and we never will. 4 years ago

as a project, a student in a previous course, created childish fortunetellers with a series of self-investigative questions posted on their innards. i told him i would someday answer the questions and one day i would like to see if my answers change.

1. what kind of person could you fall in love with?
intelligently, genuinely, compassionately, altruistic.

2. what would it take for you life to have meaning?
other people finding value in the actions i’ve committed and objects i’ve created.

3. do you need your parents more than they need you?
we need each other more then we allow by acting like we don’t need each other.

4. aren’t religious people just as delusional as “spiritual” people?
faith in anything is irrational.

5. when is the soonest you’d agree to war?
never, yet the action often seems necessary for revolution. although, violence has yet to solve humanity’s problems and will never cease being the wrong solution.

6. would you be happier with a new ipod or with the one you have?
if i had in iphone, my life would be great. do i need it? no. do i have one? no.

7. do you know yourself?
no, and i never will.

8. whose fault is britney spears
everybody’s. 4 years ago

in one of my courses last semester, our professor has us write notes to ourselves, one for mid-semester, another for the end of the semester, during finals.

mid-semester:
stay focused, step back; take control of the situation.

finals:
apply gained knowledge to continued development.

i laugh when i read these; it is just like me to write some generic non-personal sentiments. yet, at the same moment, whilst chuckling, i find these statement of value.

if i succumb to the stresses of the situation, do nothing, the moment and subsequent reward is lost. thus, upon achievement, taking the accomplishments into the whole of my amalgamated knowledge, i am able to draw from and apply that which was learned to solutions in the present. 4 years ago

i am transferring the majority of my thing accomplishing to a new 43things account: ryan the wired

it is an attempt to separate my personal goals from my design and creative specific goals. i am also looking for a fresh start after some tough and stagnant times, with a new, and optimistic endeavor.

please take the time to follow my progress on my new account; you all have been a wonderful support thus far. 4 years ago

to get work done i need to:
go directly to my studio.
disable my internet connection.
start with easy tasks.
start with a fun project.

the issue for me is getting started. tasks always seem intimidating, thus leading to distraction and procrastination. 4 years ago

it seems that media we cherish so much, the internet, music, movies, television, radio, magazines, newspapers, even books, are merely a distraction from life, albeit an enjoyable one. they are unified strongly in one way, that we, the viewer, are simply an observer, a voyeur sitting passively as the media washes over us. it dominates us, as if we were an ignorant child, taking the place of the parent or even the teacher that is talking at you, not to you. television doesn’t give a shit what you think as long as your there to hear it pontificate.

this constant jabber is defining our thought, our culture, our identity; but who decides that? we define ourselves by the music we listen to, the movies we watch, the clothes we wear, the books we read, or don’t. look at any social networking website; all those friends, why do you choose them out of the masses of users? maybe they are just like you? possibly they are the opposite? but how do you know? based upon the quantifiable personal data that fits happily into 300px wide categories, based upon that which you consume, what consumes you.

what is the inverse of consuming? creating. but what are you creating for? for others to consume. you maintain the dominance, the power to dictate identity. it is a cycle, accept or reject, where do the other options lie?

thanks, nietzsche, marx, and benjamin. 4 years ago

lately i have been attempting to better understand myself; my personality, my idiosyncrasies, my decisions and have found various personality tests quite informative; the myers briggs and the enneagram in particular.

i am not a person who puts faith into fortunes, luck, blood type or celestial signs; the position of the stars has absolutely no bearing on my personality. a persons personality traits are constructed, not something bestowed; seeing development through external factors such as: family, culture, community, location and experience. the tests i took were quite revealing, insomuch as the level of comparability of the results to myself; seemingly quite accurate.

upon further investigation, my results placed my as an intp on the myers briggs scale and a type five under the enneagram. these two results relate quite accurately, essentially one and the same.

i suppose that these tests have only really revealed that which i have already known about myself, yet was previously not verbalized.

excerpts:
You want to be intelligent, informed, knowledgeable and perceptive. More importantly, you want to be self-sufficient and not have the entanglements of obligation.

Private and solitary by nature, you like to be invisible until you are ready to reveal yourself. You tend to stay on the sidelines preferring to meet the world with your mind. You prefer to play the role of detached observer or investigator.

Studious and scholarly, you develop expertise in any area that is of interest to you, often in more than one field. You believe that knowledge is power and feel it is imperative that you be as a means of survival.

Avoiding the glaring light of scrutiny, you seek the safety of camouflage. When you feel that you lack intellect, you become withdrawn, isolated and reclusive.

You avoid standing out and/or being misinterpreted. You also avoid pretentious or ostentatious displays. You may find small talk or a brainstorming session at work to be an insufferable waste of time.

It is essential for your well being that your mind is clear, your life uncluttered, and that you have the autonomy to control your time.4 years ago

everything i do, i do in order to not do something else. i am in college so that i didn’t have to get a job; i spend my time surfing the web so i don’t have to work on school work; granted i am more productive and have better grades than i ever did in high school and am pursuing a career in a field that i enjoy, i feel that i need to do things because i want to, instead of doing something to avoid something else, something that seems like a lot of work.

work is a common topic that i always feel apprehensive about; if there is a deadline, lots of responsibility, people depending on you, financial factors on the line, then i attempt to avoid it the best i can; avoidance is almost work in itself, work that is detrimental.

the root of my problem lies in my confidence; the fear of failure, the disbelief in my potential for success, the lack of trust in my skill. i oft have great ideas written in my journals; it ends there. big plans on paper seemingly never manifest. i don’t think i can achieve the lofty goals i place upon myself, the expectations i imagine other people place upon me; it is a heavy, figuratively immaterial burden.

what do i do that doesn’t make me feel this way? reading for fun; unassigned, fictional, fantastical. learning japanese; for knowledge, understanding, experience. personal design projects; no: deadlines, expectations, future; no: money, management, grade. only fun, engaging, satisfying.

a vacuum in which i exist; that which i require manifests, that which i don’t, does not. where what i do is under my own accord, having no bearing on anything (except that which is necessarily vital to the idea). where opinions are nonexistent, where all courses of action are inherently correct. a place free of repercussions; only freedom itself.

idealism, it’s just that. 4 years ago

how i voted:
note: illinois absentee ballot

president:
obama/biden [d]
state senator:
kathy cummings [g]
congress representative:
jill morgenthaler [d]
legislative senator:
john basco [g]
general assembly representative:
kevin m o’connor [g] – who happens to be only 24 years old, awesome.

call for constitutional convention – yes 4 years ago

after three years of graphic design education, i feel my voice is still under formed, self centered and shallow. i find my design lacking a larger purpose; it only serves an academic environment, never escaping the function of educational exercises. i have good formal compositions, but the concepts and theory are irrationally founded upon superficial notions; there is really nothing behind my ideas.

i love being in school and learning about everything i can but there are many compromises. a major issue is the triviality in regards to the concepts within the educational curriculum, for example it is perfectly acceptable to make a poster just for the sake of making a poster, regardless of the content, opposed to making a website instead, when the content calls for it.

secondly, i feel that all the projects i am doing have no value within the world at large. i have the desire to think big, to design a message that has some positive impact on somebody, anyone. all that i am saying now is, “hey, helvetica is an interesting typeface” or “herbert bayer was a pretty sweet designer”. i need to break out of that and design something that actually matters.

what that is, that actually matters, is hard for me to pinpoint. there are so many areas that i want to pursue. print design is all that i have been formally educated to do, i have talent there and it is a solid form that is still intrinsically the same as it was when it was conceived.(books, magazines, and posters for example) yet i have a passion for technology and a desire to learn new and evolving concepts, but i am not academically proficient in mathematics, physics, and computer science. i am a visual thinker through and through, i see ideas in form and color rather then in numbers and theorems. coming up with new ideas and solving problems is what gets me excited.

the supreme challenge for my collegiate and professional career is merging my skills and my interests to achieve the impact that i so desire.

yet i am still in the haze, what will allow me to emerge into clarity? 4 years ago

i have a fear of making mistakes. i am afraid of peoples negative opinions, afraid of letting people down; feeling that my thoughts are not good enough; invalid.

what if someone sees this? i ask myself that every time i start making rough sketches or brainstorming my initial ideas. if they saw that unfinished work would they hate it, would they think less of me and my skills?

i am afraid of being a failure or being perceived as a failure. but who is the judge? what qualifies winning and success?

these feelings of fear and inadequacy prevent and impede upon my process, so much that it prevents me from even initializing basic roughs. my process stops before it even starts because i am afraid that my initial ideas won’t live up to an imaginary standard that an imaginary person imposes.

i inappropriately want to skip right to the finished product without the most important element of the creative process, the act of ideation. if the ideas don’t come to me in an instant, i undesirably sit and wait and wait until the looming deadline imposes its forlorn reality on the situation, often in units of hours before deadline. at that point i take the first ilconceived thought and carry that insubstantial concept to finality, thus sacrificing any deeper concept, in addition to the quality of my craft. if at that point the product is either not meeting a high enough standard or totally blown past the deadline then i will fail for real.

i will fail for real.

note: this post was revised and modified through the assistance of a thesaurus and spell check4 years ago

i decided not to attend our “school dance” tonight; people getting together, obscure electronic music, bazaar dance moves – this is art school, expect the unexpected. those are all valid reasons to go, yet those social functions are not enjoyable for me. i went last year, got all fancy, didn’t know anyone, stood around and left. it is the same situation this year, so i would rather spare the experience.

yet i will work in my studio and go to bed early. there are numerous things wrong with this situation but i will trudge along regardless. it is the awkward social functions that i despise, it is frightening and uncomfortable to be surrounded by people enjoying themselves yet still feeling alone.

sometimes it feels like i am not living my life, that it is all passing me by. the people around you are cheerful and successful but your just there. the dreams of doing something significant slip past, flickering in missed opportunities.

i realize this is an issue as i increasingly detach myself from outward interaction with my peers. yet the thought of being forced into uncomfortable social situations is terrifying enough to deter any imprudent endeavor of intuitive interaction. 4 years ago

some quick notes about my personal practice/lifestyle.

reading; read for enjoyment every night before bed. allows my mind to wind down from the critical processing of studying.

entertainment, try to do something that is not work once a week; getting out and experiencing life.

relaxing; fit time to relax and take my mind off school. during meals would help me enjoy me food and time.

bathing cycle; shower everyday before going to bed, to help shut down my body to prepare for rest. take a relaxing bathe twice a week and appreciate inactivity.

sleep; find a fixed schedule that fits my natural body rhythem. i usually get sleepy around 11 pm and wake at 7 am. try and stick to that as well as i can.

clothing cycle. arrange clothing so i don’t have to pour over what i am going to wear in the morning. also, wash what i have work every sunday.

work ethic; don’t work hard, work often. break down a project into small easy tasks and work on them progressively.

creative system. have a place to capture my ideas and organize them, not matter their significance.

active. always ‘do it now’. never procrastinate; it only makes things harder. take things head on. solve the problems immediately because they wont go away.

organize. put it where it belongs, when finished using things put them away, don’t let dishes or papers stack up for later, solve it now or file them properly.

eat, when i am hungry, not because i am bored. don’t eat so much that i feel uncomfortably full, self control. being full and feeling full are different. just because someone offers you a free muffin doesn’t mean you have to take it (as a student at a small school the teachers seem to think we never eat and insist on bringing the most delicious unhealthy food).

exercise, every morning to awaken your body and prepare yourself for the day. 4 years ago

i started a new course this semester called history of philosophy. i am particularly excited and tentatively intimidated because this class with challenge me in each of my weakest aspects.

the professor, who is very intelligent, young, and intense, gave reasons to drop his course at the beginning of the class. his primary reasons were because of the amount and difficulty of the readings (my favorite), the copious amount of writing (a weak point) and the requirement to vocalize your thoughts and reinforce them through speech (my weakest area).

i want to take this course because, above all i love thinking. i am an introvert and an intuitive thinker. i process things all day long in my brain; the more abstract the more fun. i am also very rational in thought and enjoy the challenge of taking a tangent through rational processing until i get something that just makes sense.

i also have a thirst for knowledge, i seek it out, i am enamored by it and i envy those who have it. the professor intrigued me in particular because he commands this esoteric knowledge of a topic i know nothing about. he also impressed me with his forceful, passionate, and defined way of expressing his thoughts; the opposite of me. i typically despise people who command, control, and manipulate people, but he has patience to listen to other thought and an openness to consider the ideas that people put fourth.

learning about and attempting to comprehend these various philosophies, ranging from the concept of time, social constructs of sexuality, the identity of self, to the belief in god; these will force me to consider my personal perspective and will change or affirm the ideals within the definition of my personal identity. 4 years ago

as a student of design having a visual identity is an important part of your personal identity.

i just finished a major over hall of my portfolio website. i redocumented my most recent work and webalized them for pure aesthetic pleasure.

i hardly ever feel proud of my work; there are always improvements to be made. although, it feels nice to have my work out on the web.

view my hard work at: notfreelance.com4 years ago

i have never been a religious follower; my parents raised me without a denomination, nor the belief in a higher power. my secular atheist upbringing by no means makes me prejudice against those of a religious belief. i have an open and accepting view of the freedom of choice and values.

i have friends who adhere to various religious affiliations and it makes me curious as to what values they uphold. on occasion i have attended their services and, although the culture and esoteric knowledge makes me slightly uneasy, i have noticed underlying tenets that i agree with and find important; being kind to all beings, doing the right thing.

i value rational information and the ability to come to my own conclusions; i feel trapped when forced to adhere to something i do not completely understand or beliefs that i do not uphold. i have never enjoyed conforming to traditions and value sets that i do not entirely believe in. this is a primary reason why i have no religious affiliation.

so long as i have the ability to make my own decisions and, with those, to choose to do what is right and good for all, along with upholding my personal integrity and values, then i am happy with myself and my life. 4 years ago

i am never getting married.

again, i am a very solitary and independent person. i don’t search out relationships nor do i find the urge to attach myself to another person. i am perfectly content on living my life without a marital relationship because it works for me. although, this does not mean that i am alone. i surround myself with kind heartened and loyal friends; in friendships i prefer quality over quantity.

if i ever happen on a person i love who completes my being, i still refuse marriage. i do not need a religion or government to validate my relationship. these traditions, along with many others, have no value in my life and i will not place blind faith in their expectations.

my parents are divorced. it was a tough time. although, i have seen the fruits of a harmonious marriage within the parents of a lifelong friend. it is plain to see their eternal compatibility. they happen to be married but no matter the terminology used to define the status of their relationship above all they love each other and what they have works no matter what. 5 years ago

i am a very independent, autonomous, and introverted person. i do not find necessity in constantly surrounding myself with people; including acquaintances, friends, and family. i prefer solitary living and find that when left to my own devices i can be efficient and productive.

although, when i describe my lifestyle to others, the question of loneliness always manages to come about. the fact is, i hardly get lonely and seek out the comfort of companionship.

the issue is, without a social structure i slip into lethargic bouts of inactivity. this negates the effects of typical networks of support that subconsciously or assertively intervene to motivate one to stay active.

43things is an attempt at a social structure of support that often initiates my desire to accomplish goals. although, the mere fact that it is not a physical manifestation, but only a virtual rendering countermands the pressure of expectations to be active. this is manifests in the digital disconnect; the feeling that virtual actions have no relevance in the physical world.

43things is a great start in the generation of motivating forces but it can only act as a supplement to a larger network of support. i need to reach out to like minded individuals who are passionately motivated and avoid the soul sucking cynics that bring us all down.

a being is not defined by the words they say but by the decisions they make. i decide to surround myself with good people and to get things done. 5 years ago

i want to be the opposite of my father. this apple is getting as far from the tree as possible.

i will be:
intelligent.
cultured.
athletic.
healthy.
active.
selfless.
optimistic.
open.
tolerant.
minimal.
clean.
organized.
accepting. 5 years ago

i plan to define my personal identity; who i am, what i stand for, the things i believe in. 5 years ago