love myself for who I am, be loved and give love

This week I went on a personal retreat from Wednesday night through Friday afternoon. It was restful, restoring, and relaxing. I’m glad I carved out that time in my schedule instead of letting it get frittered away, else-wise.

“True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively.” – Dalai Lama (14)

I am starting to understand that I continue to love those that aren’t necessarily responsive most of the time not out of self-hate, but out of the desire to put something good out there into my world as well as another’s. I have accepted that I love, but that doesn’t mean that attachment is necessary. I would much rather continue in the positive than destroying it for the sake of my ego.

To love someone who behaves negatively shows amazing strength. I have to give myself kudos for that. It is not easy, especially when the first thing most people do is bail.

I think I feel this way because I am growing up, and like I said, I am tired of living in such a negative realm.

I need to throw the script out the window. Once I do that, I’ll be much better off.

=)

It’s just not in the form I expected. I thought my world was getting smaller, but I was just closing my eyes to all that is around me.
It is beautiful when you ask for help, and you receive it in the form of affection- even if it is not the type of affection you desire. It is still there, and it is still wonderful.
Who am I to turn my nose up to it?!?
=)

And it’s strange. I’ve opened my heart to someone (about a month ago, this is old news I guess) and I expected it to have a healing effect on me, if not establish growth in the relationship itself. In the immediate, it did (at least in having a healing, calming effect within myself).

The ramifications have not been worth it. That moment of calm and peace wasn’t worth the turmoil it caused. Not only have I left myself open to possibility, I have also opened myself to slaughter.

So vulnerable. My heart was cast aside. It wasn’t shiny and new anymore, and my heart wasn’t being sought after anyway. But we won’t get into that anatomy lesson today.

I thought I was making definite steps forward in my relationship with myself and others. This one event has even caused rifts in other relationships that are unrelated. I’m just not myself as a result, and I’ve grown neurotic. I’ve slid back very far. I’m doing better with myself, but in order to mend the wound, I’m turning that affection for another into disdain. I am oh-so-sorry that my affection is such an inconvenience, and might put a damper on your ever-roaming heart (and other anatomies as well…). I think I need to just be done with the charade.

It’s a strange feeling to have alternates of blood boiling and blood running cold.

And who would have thought that “love” could be so damaging? My own naivete astounds me at times.

I’m working though. I just needed to get it out.

I prithee send me back my heart,
Since I cannot have thine;
For if from yours you will not part,
Why, then, shouldst thou have mine?
~John Suckling

Well, I used that dreaded “l” word with someone I do indeed care for. It came about this past weekend. I thought it would hurt. I thought it would be embarrassing. It put me at peace. I let it out, and I was secure in it, even though I know (and knew) that it was not returned (maybe not even in the slightest). But I got it out.
And maybe now I can move on towards whatever path is ahead of me.
I hope I’ve open the gates to healing for myself and this other person. I can only account for myself, though. I try too hard for others, and never hard enough for myself.

Next: Love myself for who I am.

“Be loved” will have to become the last goal. If it happens in the process, fantastic. If it doesn’t- well, that’s just the way it is, isn’t it?

I will see the bright side though- in communicating my pain, I’ve found someone who is going through a very similar situation at the exact same time. It’s interesting.

Focus on giving love rather than receiving love. In that, you will find that suddenly it has slipped under your pillow one night without your knowing. Before you know it, you will attract what you put out into the infinite.

I certainly hope so. I’m opening my heart and giving myself permission to be in unfamiliar territory, and the security isn’t quite there. I’m focusing on the positive. I’m focusing on the freedom of it.

Awareness does not mean integration.
I know that I deserve something and someone great. I know that I am worthy of love. I know that I like intense relationships.

I love a man. I am not in love. I simply love. I suspect it is not returned and is something to deal with. But that is the beauty of not being “in love.” I can love to my heart’s content and know that it is fine. I can know that it does not have to be returned, because sometimes loving is a gift in and of itself. It is caring and support. I think, for me, it can last longer and be more special than being “in love.”
Sometimes, however, it is toxic. I do desire to be in love. I do desire that love be reciprocated. Sometimes having strong arms wrapped around me is a desire I yearn for so greatly that it is pure death. More than half a year, and I want more.

To want, though, is to suggest a lack. I don’t want to focus on lack. I want to focus on wealth- emotional wealth. I want to focus on abundance. Sometimes the chill of the night is stabbing, and it pulls you out of your meditation.

“Do you treat yourself how you would have others treat you?”
I try. It’s a complete shift in mindset. I’m working, though I have my slips. I’m improving, I feel.

I’m seeking freedom from preconceived notions and old habits. I always had hoped to be rescued by my white knight. He has yet to come. I’ll have to break free of it myself. I can no longer wait around, making half-hearted attempts at freedom and liberation.

If acceptance means love—then I have that down. I have accepted the good and the bad things about myself and the things that I have done. I am capable of accepting other people’s flaws and imperfections too.

But does this mean love?

I have stopped hating for the most part—myself and others. I have learned it takes up too much effort and energy, and I don’t seem to have much of it to spare for such stupid things.

I suppose if I am asking if it is Love, I have yet to reach it.

I am constantly struggling with this one. Recently, I was in a relationship that ended and I started to put my self worth in someone else’s hands. It’s always difficult to be rejected in a relationship but I found myself feeling doubt about myself and asking how come I can’t seem to find love and keep love? Then I realize that I was only being a reaction. I know that I deserve to be love, can give love and I do love who I am. I am a great person with lots to offer. If he can’t appreciate me for who I am, the fault does not lie in me but his short coming. Every one deserve to be love and in return we should offer love. It doesn’t have to be in a romantic sense but love out of the kindness of our humanity. I can’t allow someone to make me feel bad about myself when I have done nothing wrong. I will not be an reaction.