let the past go

for about 1 year now. i’m a lot better now, sometimes i still remember the past but i try to focus more on today now. i’m finally realizing now that i didn’t get born to suffer, that, althought i’ve been through hard times in the past, i really deserve to be happy.

Not only my past. I dwell on it, obsessing on things and people who can’t possibly affect me now, torturing myself with images and stories that may or may not have been true to no purpose at all except upsetting myself and making me feel inadequate. I second guess myself and my choices constantly. It is possibly the biggest factor affecting my life at the moment.

Today I finished a thing I have been avoiding for a long time – organized my childhood album.

I used to have a very nice old album. It was a simple album with grey cardboard leaves on which pictures were glued. And some of the pages were decorated – Mom and me did it when I still was a kid. And then suddenly one day my supersmart wonderful Dad destroyed it – tore the pictures out or cut them from the album together with the grey cardboard, and inserted into a new plastic transparent-film album. He never asked if I wanted it. Just did it. I was so upset about it. He never understood what the point was. He never understands this kind of things. He does not care.

I kept that new album for some time but then realized it irritates me and picked out the pictures and threw the dead book away.

Today I finally organized the photos into a new one. “Standard”, of course – plastic pockets. Luckily I saved some decorations from the old album to liven it up.

Childhood pictures tell a lot, reminding of many things and people they give answers. Like watching a story about yourself.

It sure is tough doing that but I need to, everyone needs to…

I do believe I’ve started to live in the now a lot more in the last year or so. It’s definitely made me a more positive person and I can see what path I want to take much clearer now. Who knew?

WELL..I JUST DUMPED SOME MEAN FRIENDS..
BUT ALL THE FUN TIMES KEEP PLAYING IN MY HEAD.
OVER N OVER N OVER AGAIN.
I JUST WANNA FORGET AND GO ON WITH MY LIFE.
AS MUCH AS IT HURTS…I HAVE TO..
CUZ ITS DRVING ME INSANE!!
I SURE NEED SOME CHEERS ON THIS ONE.
HELP ME!
BETH

i was never like this before, i never held on to the past. i keep replaying them in my head and i don’t tell anyone. i just keep to myself. i seem pretty happy and outgoing on the outside but in, i’m a mess. it happened after this guy completely ripped my heart in half. we were best friends. we always talked and told each other everything./we weren’t dating/. it ended up with me telling him my feelings and him throwing them back in my face. he was going out with another girl and every time we talked he brought her into the situation. this happened 1 year ago. and i feel bad because i was the one who denied him, because after that he asked me out, but what started to happen was he was scaring me. so i said no. i feel remorse. i don’t know what i feel for him. i would like to talk to him. ( i can) but should i? my heart tells me yes! and my brain says no. i need advice should we talk? or leave it as it is? does he hate me? these are questions i need awnsered but i just don’t know. what should i do. maybe a conversation will help me forget the past or make it worse. anyhelp?

I’m trying and know i will get there but all good things take time!

i’m not sure i will ever be able to let it go. i feel indifferent to it at the moment but i don’t know if it will ever be gone.

So talking to an ex is probably not the best way to do this, but I felt the shift from ex to friend today which feels positive. And I am back in school and in love with an amazing man which are two things I never would have been able to do if I was completely holding on to the past…just partially holding on to it…