Fill and feel my treasure chest every day

Softness

I always had an issue with my appearance, especially when someone would say I look frail or doe-like. I wanted to look independent and strong and powerful. Looking delicate and soft was not in the dictionary of allowed impressions.

It took me a while….

...a long while to even start contemplating what this softness really means to me. What does it make me BE? Is it necessary to connect it to WEAK or SUBMISSIVE (as was my first impression)?

Recently answers to these questions started to show up…one by one. To those that are interested you can look at my exploration on this subject in my Aphrodite project on either my blog or my Flickr page. To others I’m going to cut a long story short by saying that today the idea of softness makes me think of flowers and their own beautiful frailness that nobody seems to mind (quite the contrary). It makes me think that, maybe…just maybe …..softness is not a weakness. It, like the flowers, could be a gift.

For that reason I can proudly put this into my treasure chest now. I feel it as a full part of me. I am even joyous. Who would of known. :-)

“My heart is a Ferrari”

I’ve been told once that my heart is like a Ferrari that I choose to keep in the garage – valuable/big/beautiful but hidden.

During the past year I’ve begun to tackle the garage syndrome and drive it out every once in a while. The beginning was very nerve wrecking – showing the gentle side, revealing and sharing the emotions with others,..., – but as time passed by it started to be less uncomfortable and more freeing. I can add with certainty now, that every experience becomes exponentially intensified when you consciously involve the heart in it. I’ve been overflown and exhilarated and irritated and angered and saddened to the extreme these past months- and it felt really good!!!

“I can have FEAR clawing at my back yet I will still walk my walk till I get to my goal.”

Every morning when I wake up I feel like this : terrified and yet resolved. An interesting combination though not very comfortable. Nevertheless it shows me that I’m certainly not a conformist: I’m the doer, the risk taker, the challenger, ..... and with no doubt in my mind, I’m a WINNER too – despite my fear. :)

“I can never do a half ass job”

which sometimes presents a real problem to me since perfectionism sometimes doesn’t work well will reality. But nevertheless I always try to give the best I can in each situation so my heart feels clean.

“I am perceptive.”

Things rarely escape my eye. I think of all situations as an intricate web of little clues, and signs, and gestures, and emotions unsaid…I find it interesting to see how they all relate and develop and sometimes, after a while, shine through. :)

“I somehow always seem to show people the way”

I don’t have the strength or power to lead but I sure pose as a sign towards a paved way. I’ve been told that more than once : “If you hadn’t told me there’s ….”, “If I didn’t know what you told me about …”, “I never knew there’s such a thing before you told me….” (and so forth)

Along with my enthusiasm this really makes a nice pair.

“I can recognize a good heart”

I have never been fooled with this. No matter how skillful the actor is I always see through the charade.
Recognizing who’s really good and who’s just pretending to be good seems to cause a lot of problems to others because I see people around me struggling with it for months at a time getting fooled and hurt again an again by their performances.
I know within the first 10-30 seconds of an introduction what a persons heart is like and I’m glad I can call this my gem because it saves me months and months of time and even more unnecessary pain.

“I can keep a secret and know the difference between private and public.”

“I like how the light dances on my neck”

Not much explanation needed for this one I think.
I just happened to see it in a window reflexion yesterday and liked how the sun rays jumped from the ins and the outs of my neck line. Especially when I breath deeper and my throat makes the little gurgling sound…the light catches on the game and joins. It’s cool…funny…sweet.

“I am a pilgrim with the quest”

I walk around in my drab robes and dusty shoes with long hair weaved by ages of search (none visible to others, luckily…lol) and I look and examine, and turn stones, and get lost, and despair, and find my way, and search some more, and wonder, and enjoy, and sing, and dance, and love the way everything – around me/in me – is.

Bread crumb after bread crumb I follow my way home.