reconnect or move on

well, i haven’t received any responses except for one which was a hilarious joke of a response which just re-instilled why i’m so over that friendship. i’m good!

i really need to make ammends w/ a few friends that i’ve just dismissed over things that i now see were petty but were pretty big to me and our friendship at the time

Over the past week, I’ve really made an effort with G, and I feel like he’s been doing the same. Good news, right? Right…mostly. Things are definitely different between us. Our friendship used to be freakin’ effortless, and now when I call him or he calls me, I almost don’t feel like having the conversation at all.

I don’t want to try to stay friends just because I think we should stay friends, you know?

I’m going to let go of this one. If we were really as close as I once thought, we’ll meet back in the middle. I guess I’m moving on but leaving the option to really reconnect later on the table. Forcing the issue of reconnection is doing nothing but making me not want to reconnect at all.

I’ve been trying to get my nerve up to call G for a few days, and after talking to M about it, I managed to psyche myself up and send him a text. Yes, I’m that much of an emotional wimp. Just like last time, he immediately called me, which was nice. We played the catch-up game, and I realized that he’s pretty sad these days. It was an odd feeling, ‘cause I used to be the first person he’d call when he had a bad day, and now he’s had weeks and weeks of bad days, and I didn’t know jack about it.

Anyway…here comes the point…

We started talking about how we should hang out soon, and the whole time he was calling off days we could get together, I was thinking, “no, no, nope, no way, that’s a no go, not interested.” What the hell is wrong with me? I whine about missing him, and then when he’s ready to make an effort, I act like I’m all booked up and say I’ll get back to him.

So what I’m saying is that the whole lost connection thing probably isn’t solely his fault.

His birthday is Thursday. I should see him on Thursday. I know if I miss his birthday, I’ll feel like such an ass that making plans for a later date just won’t happen. So…Thursday…and then?

I’m not really sure if G and I are even friends anymore.

Which is really weird.

There really wasn’t a HUGE fight – although there were quite a few snappy exchanges at one point – and I hadn’t really thought about his absence until yesterday, but damn, what happened? We were thick as thieves and now I only hear about his escapades through other people.

For a while I had been thinking that maybe it was just time for our little group to disintegrate. We had a good run, and then life came along and brought the inevitable end with it. Thinking about it that way didn’t really make me sad. It felt like that was the way things had to be.

And then yesterday I heard that one of our bumming-around pals (not the closest of the close but still a good buddy) died. So then I got to thinking about my little family of friends and how we’re all scattered about now. The one missing person that really struck me was G.

You know, for a LONG time he was my best friend. We did everything together, spent every weekend together, made plans constantly. Now there’s nothing. We don’t see each other. We don’t talk. Nothing.

I don’t know what happened. Yeah, I’m with Christopher all the time, but that can’t be the cause of this. I mean, I still talk to J and N and M all the time. Something else just went off-track between me and G, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

After a little internal debate, I sent G a text this morning, and within 30 seconds he was on the phone saying how much he’s missed me. Well…if you’ve missed me, why the hell don’t you call me? I tried calling him about two weeks ago. No call back. So I gave up. It was nice talking to him, but I’ll admit it was a little awkward. I know he’s not pleased about me being with Christopher, but that can’t be the cause of all this friendship-erosion, can it?

I don’t know, but I intend to get to the bottom of it. He and I were never halfway-friends. We met, we were as close as close can be, and then nothing. I’ve got to make an effort to see if there’s still something there. He meant too much for me not to, you know?