Okay if there is something that I fear more than the goddamn evil nasty scary spiders, it would have to be commitement. I mean, I don’t do the whole “hooking up” deal or one night stands, I am just terrified of being in a serious, long-term relationship. The fact itself that I hate being touched…well it just adds to the problem. I mean I don’t have a problem with it right now but I know people say that it’s unhealthy to be this terrified. It’s been a life long thing, like little girls dream of their wedding and draw pictures of what they want their wedding dress to look like, and I always acted more like the wedding planner, never wanting to think about me actually getting married. I’ve woken up literally screaming when dreaming of getting married, to me it’s a nightmare. I just feel like I need to be independant and sharing my life with someone else would make me dependant of them. I like my space, I like my freedom, my tranquility, my secrets and I just think of a commitement plan with someone else and I get this anxiety attack. So yeah, I’m realizing that that’s just not normal. I prefer the term fear of being with someone than “commitement issues” it sounds so yup-she-needs-a-shrink like. I’ve just seen so many marriages fail (2 of my mother’s did) so I’m just being preventive. I’m so strange in the sense that love allures me, yet I don’t give it or know much about it for a matter of fact. It confuses me so much. I just look at couples and think ” god, they’re so brainwashed” it actually disgusts me. I mean people who fall in love go into a zombie-like effect, their world revolves around their significant other and they lose sense of what is important, so I see myself as smart for avoiding it. I’ve been an awful girlfriend, I would hide from my bf’s, hardly call them and prefer a public open space then “alone time”. So after a couple of weeks I’d break it off because well It was unfair to them and mainly because I felt suffocated. So in the end Ijust need to meditate on why I fear it so much and how to overcome it ( if it is possible to do so).
