settle down

I was talking to my friend on the phone who lives across the country and I had previously discussed going to visit him this summer. He said to me “you’re not coming to Philly anymore are you..” like he knew I couldn’t actually commit to taking this trip, when in reality it’s the most committed I’ve been to a trip idea in quite a while. BUT, nonetheless I had changed my mind about the trip. I thought my money could be better used providing living expenses. (ugh)

But anyway, he always tells me I change my mind too much, and its true. I have so many plans and a new one always replaces an older one and what I realized after all of this babbling is that I never actually do any of it because I’m constantly changing my mind about what I really want to be doing. By the time it comes around to actually doing anything I’ve thought of this new completely amazing thing to do which now requires all of my resources, and unfortunately another month and a half of planning just so I have time to change my mind again.

Soo.. On the one hand its good – I want to do so many things and I like that. I get excited about them and I learn about new places and activities and I enjoy that. But.. on the other hand – what the fuck am I doing?

I decided I am going on exchange in the fall. It will make my life continue as a series of fragments but I think I just have to come to terms with that, because it seems clear that is what I want.

It costs a pretty ridiculous amount of money to go where I want to go (almost 20,000 dollars). So I might not go to my first choice, but there are other programs and I am just so antsy I will go almost anywhere (but by no means anywhere). I think it will be a lot of work to actually go but I really want it, so I’m going to work at it.

And then come back and see what happens..

I have trouble with this goal.

I’m telling myself to do this thing that I sometimes want in a pretty normal default sort of desire. But I have these moments at least once a week where I crave with my entire being to do the very opposite.

I don’t know which to listen to.

you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do…

So I have been thinking recently about making the most of a bad situation. It’s easy to move around and keep everything in your life a certain distance away. Temporary is easy because it’s always changing, you don’t get attached, you know something new is coming right along. This sounds so good. But, then, what about this idea of working toward something? That some things you have to work through to get to a desirable end? I currently have a total of about two friends. I could leave and meet a bunch of acquaintances and feel fulfilled for two, three weeks but I would find flaws in that too after some time. There’s a point I’m not completely getting at here, but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to. Things that aren’t fun and that don’t make you happy because it’s worth it. There is a payoff somewhere down the line. It’s just hard to see it.

I am so antsy. I am picking new places I have never even wanted to go before and I now need to go. Ghana. I’ve thought about wanting to go there but never had much desire. I just looked at plane tickets. Yeah, $1500 from JFK.

Also.

I have this summer job that requires leaving town. A lot of travel is involved and it’s based out of my home town, so it would mean moving back in with my mom. I love this job. Love it. But, I feel like I need to stay here. I need to get a real job here and make friends here and feel like I live here! I don’t know what to do. I love it, but it’s such an interruption. I feel like it sets me on a path of temporality. I also think about going on exchange within the US. I want to do it, but I feel like I need to develop relationships here, and I don’t know what to do!

I need friends but I want to do things that make it hard to really make friends..

So my friend is moving.

So I want to move. Its just the idea got in my head, and I can’t sit still. I would move inside the same town, so it isn’t that bad. And I could even get cheaper rent. And I don’t even really like the place I live right now that much. My roommate and I never really hit it off..

I know it’s impulsive and maybe not worth it? I just want to see what happens..

I get bored. And antsy. And I want to do so many things. But I feel consistently empty or lost because I don’t let myself develop much in the way of roots outside of the town I grew up in and this frustrates me. I hate feeling like I move backwards. I do something amazing, then I go back to living with my mom and it’s not boding well on my overall well-being. I need to stay where I am. I need to find a place I like living. Put time into relationships and develop them into things I can appreciate. Get a job I like. Become involved in my place and start to appreciate it and explore it in a way I don’t do now. Get out of the mentality that everything is temporary.

I want to get married to someone i am friends with and who I love and who will make me and my whole family happy. Someday soon.

I want to be able to be happy with where I am an with what I am doing. Hopefully this is near my family :)

It’s a lot of work.