learn to comfort people

One of my coworkers had to put her cat to sleep today after a very sudden illness. It was a very sad day in the office and I’m feeling terribly guilty for all the complaining I do about having a chronically ill cat. I feel like I should get her a card or a gift or something, seriously I detest cards and can’t think of anything appropriate. Maybe a box of teas? Thoughts?

(She was also the person who I’d been planning to ask to cat-sit for me. I think that would be in poor taste, at least in the short term.)

My best friend’s grandfather is dying. Like, right now.

I spent a couple hours on the phone with her the other day and just sent her a quick email to say that I’m sure her family will be glad that she came home, even for such a sad occasion because its important for everyone to be together.

I sound so lame, but I don’t know what else to do or say.

My family is in the midst of a crisis so sensitive and public, that I want to retreat to privacy and not share the details here.

In the past 3 days I’ve received “comfort” from more people than I can count and I’ve learned that even the best intentions can ultimately be hurtful beyond words. I couldn’t face the “comfort” that would have come at the family father’s day party tomorrow. I left town and left my father and sister to bare it alone. My father has been isolated up to now, I wonder if he knows what he’s in for.

• The phrases “you should” and “you should have” are never to be used when comforting someone.
• A half hour long lecture detailing all the things the griever shouldn’t feel guilty about is going to bring about feelings of guilt, not relief.
• If you’re not a lawyer, don’t give legal advice. If you’re not a psychologist or doctor, don’t make diagnoses. Your opinion neither useful nor welcome. Leave the experts to do their job, believe it or not their years of schooling resulted in more knowledge than you picked up watching court TV and commercials for anti-depressants.
• Even if you’ve gone through something more tragic, you don’t know how it feels if the situation isn’t even remotely similar. Don’t claim to.
• If you have been through something similar your company and concern and availability to answer questions is much appreciated, baring that you wait to be asked for advice before giving it.
• There is a time to get the person’s mind off the trouble with talk of other things. But if the person is obviously not interested or engaged in the conversation then shut up. Don’t be offended the the person flat out tells you they don’t want to hear about your new screen saver. Its not about you, don’t force the griever to be polite to you.
• Just listen and ask questions and don’t get upset if the answer to the question goes off into some tangent. Just let the person talk and talk as much as they need. My boyfriend is brilliant at this. I love him so much.
• Writing can be very therapeutic, especially letter writing.
• If the situation is controversial, keep the person away from the internet.
• Simply getting everyone who is affected together and letting them be with each other is bonding for everyone and helps everyone.
• Advice is easily construed as criticism. A distraught person can’t be expected to distinguish.
• Make coffee.

I’ve had the need to practice this a couple times recently as two friends lost thier grandmothers last week.

I think I did much better with one than the other. I called her a couple days after and just listened as she told me about the day it happened and cried. A few days after that she seemed to want to get out of the house, so when I found somewhere to go I made sure to invite her along. She didn’t end up coming out with me, but I’m glad I offered.

It was harder to know what to say to a coworker, even a coworker that I do occasionally see outside work.

In the past month 2 friends (including one very close to me) have lost loved ones. I didn’t know what to say and I feel like I wasn’t as supportive as I sould have been.

I’d like to learn some basic phrases and skills to let people know I’m there for them without intruding on people’s need for privacy or without seeming like I’m just repeating the same old things that people say.

I think this is especially hard for me becuase I’m the type of person who hates to be seen crying and so my natural response when someone else is crying is to give them some privacy. I wonder if that makes me seem uncaring.

I don’t even bother to sign the symapthy cards that go around the office from time to time because I feel like we all just say the same thing and it doesn’t mean anything real.