Be completely happy for my friends as they get married and have babies (not difficult, but here's the kicker:) WITHOUT wondering when it will be my turn.

I have come to terms with this a lot faster than I had believed possible. In fact, I’ve kept this on my list the past several weeks simply because this healing has been amazing – such a rapid transformation of thought.

that I might not need this goal anymore.

It appears that my ex-fiance may now be married. Not only did it really not bother me, I found myself thinking,”Good for him. I hope they fit.” Certainly NOT the reaction I imagined I would ever have.

All I could think was that we were not a good fit, we had extremely different valued beliefs, we never would have been happy together for the long haul (all things I have known for years) and I hope he found someone who did match him and with whom he could have a happy and lasting marriage. Because while we are very different and wouldn’t have worked as a couple, that doesn’t mean that we don’t both deserve to be happy…just with different people.

That may sound very elementary, but I didn’t wonder when it was my turn. I didn’t think,”Man, I wish I had gotten married first.” I didn’t worry that I might end up as an old spinster with 1,603 cats, who, when I died, would live off my body for 3 weeks until the stench began to permeate to the point that the local police were called in to investigate. (hahaha!) No. I simply hoped that my ex would find happiness. More progress. :)

I’m feeling much more comfortable with my life as it is. I’m feeling much more appreciation for those around me, too. Such a switch from several weeks ago. I can’t begin to describe the change and never believed that such a transition could happen in such a short amount of time. It’s a welcome and needed surprise. I’m worrying less. I’m relaxing and enjoying more. Yea!

I went out with one of my friends and her 3 month old son over the weekend. While we were sitting at lunch, I could see how happy she is with him and really felt happy for her and her husband. Their family is growing and this little boy is bringing so much joy to them and the rest of their family.

Later I realized, I didn’t wonder when it would be my turn. I know that right now I’m not in a place where I would feel “ready” for any of that (even though I realize most parents never seem to feel ready). I wasn’t envious. I was happy for her. I admire her patience. I admire her love of this little guy. I admire her wanting to provide the best she can for him. She’s a beautiful person, a beautiful friend, a beautiful wife and now she is a beautiful mother.

I’m viewing my life differently. Life is good. I am grateful for my family and friends, my sweet dog, the strong roof over my head, nutritious (and delicious!) food on my table, shoes on my feet, my job, skills, transportation, beautiful days and peaceful nights, laughter…so many things. The joy of what exists, the hope of good to come. When I really think of what surrounds me, I remember how amazing God is.

^{Then I wonder why I even needed this goal in the first place. :)}

Please don’t confuse my wondering and moments of self-pity with an inability to be happy for others. I truly am happy they’re happy. I’m happy things are going well for them. I’m happy they’ve found the loves of their lives and I’m happy they have healthy, growing families.

What bothers me is how down I feel about my life when I find out another of my friends got engaged or is pregnant. I’m happy for them, but down on myself. And that’s just not right. I wonder what’s wrong with me, where I went wrong and when it will be my turn to commit to a loving man and start a family with him. I don’t like how that feels. I shouldn’t be comparing my life to those of my friends. In contrast, I want to be fully happy for my friends without any regard for my own situation. Is this possible without me being in the same stage of life? I’d like to think it is.

Why do I wonder? Why does it make me feel bad at all? Well, I know that being happily married and having a happy and healthy family of my own is the one thing I have wanted more than anything. I hope that God does have that planned for me one day (it upsets me to think of the possibility that maybe it’s not in the plan for me – maybe that’s another piece I need to work on). But in the meantime, I am trying to find a way to be completely at peace with my “here and now” situation and be grateful, not only for what I have but where I am in life.