I miss the sharing of the day. The fact that he cared. I keep thinking I could just pick up the phone and he’d be there, just like before.

The hardest part is that he wanted me, but he couldn’t say that he’d want me forever. Perhaps if he weren’t going to be half a world away for another year… Perhaps a lot of things. I just know that I felt really good with him and the wrenching apart is what causes the pain. 4 days ago

Worry too much about what is next instead of just enjoying what is now.

I am always stressed because my head is always full with so many thoughts. But how do I do that? 5 days ago

Great thought on why we must keep learning:
“I remember asking my father, ‘Why do we need four newspapers?’ He said to me, ‘Unless you read different points of view, your mind will eventually close, and you’ll become a prisoner to a certain point of view that you’ll never question.’”

Mohamed El-Erian, CEO and co-chief investment officer, PIMCO
From a 2009 interview with CNN Money

22 Executives Share The Best Advice They Ever Received2 weeks ago

This weekend seemed to bring some shifts in important relationships for me, basically meaning they are ending or scaling back significantly. First, as it gets closer to when G will leave Korea for his next job, he’s talking to me less and less and not even suggesting times for us to see each other. Given that I’ve told him I don’t want just friendship and some things he said on Skype this weekend, I feel like this is the precursor to the end.

Then there’s SJ who took me to a very lovely event on Saturday. It turns out he didn’t just need a companion to round out the numbers and that actually it was a date. That means he hopes for more from me than I’m interested in giving. Given our 8 years of friendship, that means I’ll be scaling back spending time with him.

That means I’m losing valuable relationships because they’ve become unequal and it makes me very sad. 1 month ago

I’m feeling like Vivian from Pretty Woman, when she’s at the Opera. Tonight I’m going to a black tie event at the Kennedy Center. I bought a dress and some jewelry that I think is appropriate; however, the small town girl in me is about to have a panic attack. She keeps asking if I’m crazy.

This is really hard for me. I was never the girly girl. I did my makeup and hair once a year for the big dance and when I say “I” what I really mean is my sister. This attempt at femininity has me feeling fake which has the butterflies in my stomach in a wild flurry. So I’m attempting to remember to breathe and stay calm. I’ve done harder things than go to dinner in a fancy dress. 1 month ago

and then he’s there…

P!nk’s newest song released on the radio this week, and I’ve been hearing it everywhere. It’s called Just Give Me a Reason and it’s a duet between a woman and her lover about her doubts and his confidence and how to mend the breach of love between them. I often think of G when I hear this and the challenges of loving from afar and not misconstruing texts. How do I get past these doubts and the emptiness of my now to find peace in any relationship?

(Chorus)
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again 1 month ago

I’m feeling very worn out. My brain doesn’t seem to want to engage. I was falling asleep on the short drive between DC and home. I took a 3 hour long nap today and didn’t even want to get up from that. I could barely do my Lumosity games. Not sure what it is but just feeling like I’m falling behind. 2 months ago

A friend shared this on Facebook today. She got it from Begin with Yes

When you choose to love even when you’re struggling, even when your heart is breaking, even when your challenges seem almost more than you can bear, you are choosing power and hope that will hold you steady thru the difficult days. ♥ 3 months ago

I’ve been thinking too much about future might have beens based on that which has already happened. Tonight, I’m wishing badly that I had stayed in Korea the extra year I was offered. Wishing that I had met G when he arrived in July and that we could have dated the normal way. That I could have worked with the awesome team that had come on board just as I was leaving. I’m feeling melancholy about the might have beens and the things which might not happen now because of the choices I made.

I know a lot of it is because there’s not a lot going on in my now. The repetition of looking for jobs and tweaking résumés and cover letters every day which only takes up a small portion of my day is dragging me down. I’m so glad I have AK but I’m missing the inter-connectivity which come from working in an office and seeing many different people daily.

I’m lonely… 3 months ago

This is kind of a hard one, because I tend to wander a lot in my head. Like, one minute I’m paying my whole attention to something, the next minute I’m not.

Meditate could help to raise some awareness in the now. Rail my mind on the right track when I notice I’m starting to drift off of a conversation, or a class speech.
The theory is really simple, doing it is the difficult thing.
But yeah, I will make my mind stronger. 4 months ago

Today, Ka told me that the mass in her lung was lymphoma… She’s 3 years younger than I am. She is very positive that they caught it in time and the chemotherapy will take care of it. However, it gives me pause and reminds me that life is precious and uncertain. 4 months ago

Dad is sick. Since his heart attack last year, his being sick makes me nervous. Now, he’s very sick in the bathroom and I want everything to be okay. Please let everything be okay. 5 months ago

Usually being with my family reminds of all the things that haven’t changed in the last 20 some years. I’m usually filled with despair and want to hide away. However, this time is different. There is a new computer desk which is sitting facing out of the window instead of where the old one sat, facing a wall. There is new silverware and the old stuff doesn’t appear to have been put aside but gotten rid of. Best of all, my mom has lost about 8 kg in the last few months with a change of medication.

Much is still the same, but these small changes aren’t truly small at all and they give me hope for more for the first time in a long time. 5 months ago

I found these today and have basically battle tested each of them. They are the truth and the reality. If you follow them, you will find peace and happiness. 5 months ago

And it doesn’t seem real. Just 3 more days and I’ll be in Europe with great friends and with my Ski Patrol. Just 3 more days before I leave T and G and Ct and Cy and all the rest of my new friends here. Just 3 more days before my life changes fundamentally. And I am sad and happy and torn and excited. Just 3 more days… 6 months ago

Has finally arrived. I was better prepared for it thanks to G, but it’s still never easy to see random strangers manhandling your most valued treasures. A plus is that these 3 men are packing very quickly and it won’t be much longer now. 6 months ago

She died today. She was 93 and had been suffering from dementia for at least the last 10 years. It’s an odd day for me because when I last saw her 4 years ago, the woman who was my grandmother had already gone. It was the physical remains that finally let go today. So I’m in mourning and I’m not which is really a hard place to be. 6 months ago

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook today. It’s what I’m looking for in a relationship, in friends and in life.

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved 7 months ago

“Every thing will be alright in the end, so if it’s not alright, then it’s not yet the end.”

“Nothing here has worked out quite as I expected.” Response: “Most things don’t. But sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff.”

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing.”

“Nothing happens unless first we dream.”

“The only real failure is the failure to try.”

I love this movie. It’s about how we cope when the world around us forces us to change. It’s about doing things we don’t want to because we have to. It’s about finding beauty in places we never expected.

The actors in this film are superb: Dame Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Tom Wilkinson, all whom I adore. There are moments I forget this about senior citizens and think this could be about any person from age 20 to 80. It reminds me of all the challenges of living away from one’s home country and the strangeness that comes with it.

Watch it and get lost in it. 7 months ago

those extraordinary people who were once in my life but no longer are. I don’t know where they went; I wish I did and that they were still here. Scared that other extraordinary people in my life will disappear as well. Loneliness creeping in at the edges. 7 months ago

and I mean any long distance relationship, be it friend or lover, is that those people are not truly in the now with one. Instead they exist on the periphery of one’s life, not sharing experiences, but only the retellings of excitement, sadness, and joy. I think this is what makes maintaining long distance relationships so hard, that one tends to live in the past or the future when doing so. One thinks about all the things one did with the other party and remembers the positive feelings or thinks of the future excitement of sharing experiences once more and builds expectations of how things will be soon. One doesn’t make new positive feelings and experiences though and I think those are the cornerstone of healthy, lasting relationships. 7 months ago

Everything will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end. 7 months ago

That’s where you always find everything. Often it is the question one asks when things seem hard to find: “Why is it always the last place I looked?” This comes to me as I think about finding that person I want to spend my life with. I’m not with that person yet, still looking and wondering how I be able to know this is the last place to look… The searcher always stops once the item is found; that’s how one knows… 8 months ago

So I’m laughing now at everyone who gets so tied up in plans. They’re lovely ideas but I’m finding more and more, they don’t really go as planned. Just the last few days, I’ve looked back at all that I’ve planned and although I can still see the skeleton outline of the plan I came here with, the results don’t align. It’s like I’ve colored outside the lines. Trying to adjust now and stay happy. Remind myself that things always work out for the best of all involved. 8 months ago

So now the snowboard trip to New Zealand may be off… September is late season and the tour company has no one else signed up for the trip I’m on. This goes hand in hand with not being able to climb Mt Fuji. The season for climb that ended on Sunday and of course, I couldn’t go because of work. I’m trying to stay positive but it’s hard because I had a good plan way back and then nothing went as it should. Now, I may not get to go at all. Expectations. Sigh. 8 months ago

I had an odd night last night with Mk as Ct joined us. Ct is going through a divorce now and isn’t sure about it. Mk was asking her to explain why she married and why she left. And then he turned to me… It’s been 4 long, life-changing, world-defining years, but being totally honest about it made me cry.

I left because my ex would have taken my happiness to keep us together.

Then Mk asked why I was acting guilty, and I told him because one should never hurt another like that…

It’s been a long time since I’ve cried over that loss. 8 months ago