I live today without regret for yesterday or waiting for what tomorrow brings to complete my vision. Now is the time I must focus on to achieve the most of my time. If it’s going to be it’s up to me to not demand more time as essential to manifest a completed task now. 1 month ago
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Saturday evening, I posted a thread on FB about Hobby Lobby closing all its stores because of the contraceptive mandate. It’s sparked some interesting debate across many spectra. However, this morning, I woke to some intense negative comments from a friend in Germany. His view on the matter was that it was about abortion and he seems rabidly anti-abortion. Why do I mention all this? Because, he basically adores both me and D and we had an abortion… I won’t tell him this but it does make me want to reach out to D, to share thoughts, and plan better ways of handling friends who feel so strongly negative toward abortion. However, reaching out is exactly what I’ve asked D not to do. He’s obviously open to it, being receptive to my emails when I send them and reaching out across the prohibition when he felt he needed to. I also considered that reaching out against my wishes selfish. Now I’m thinking of doing it to talk about a single subject. It’s not even all that pleasant.
In this day and age, with such easy communications, it’s hard not to just send the email. It’s hard to keep up barriers. I just want to be kind to all involved and I’m not sure what the best course really is. So if I reach out to him, does that make me selfish? 2 months ago
This came today. Fortunately, I was expecting it. G told me about it the four days before he began to doubt. I don’t know what to do with them. I know I can’t ask him for answers. There are no good answers. He has let there be silence for the last week as well I have. So now I have a lovely box full of love and no one to thank for it… 3 months ago
I get to miss him again. He is no longer willing to reassure me and say the things that always make me feel safe. It’s been 10 days and the e-mails have grown more and more distant. He won’t say goodbye; he just also no longer offers to try.
My rational side knew this was the probable outcome; knew the odds weren’t good for this. I just hoped. I sometimes feel I hope too much, that I’d be better off if I just hoped a little less, put less faith in the good and positive things I see in people.
I’m at a loss at how to move forward and if I’ll ever have those things I really want. 3 months ago
Today, G sent me flowers. For some, it might not seem like much, just a token, something lovers are supposed to do. For me, it’s much more because I have gone all my life, through 3 different significant relationships, and never been given flowers. I mentioned it to G a while back, because in all honesty, I really would like to have someone find me amazing enough to occasionally surprise me with a gesture like this: not useful or enduring or productive; just totally frivolous. Today, I get to be that girl.
Given the upset of yesterday, this seems even more special. And then it hit me… that the right people to have in your life will just fit there. They’ll slip in without a lot of fuss and then make sure they’re doing all they can to keep things good. All that they require is that you do the same in return. 4 months ago
It’s been a long time in the making and one that I did see coming. I had a falling out with Mk tonight. It started on Monday and wasn’t helped by the anger I felt toward Mk and the situation. I recognized a few months ago that Mk’s style and mine were too similar to be really good for supporting each other. I just didn’t let go when I should have. Timing is so much in life. So is saying the things that need saying at the time they need to be said. Mk and I had neither in our favor at any point. I should have just let things go because trying to salvage them does more damage than good. So I hurt him worse before we cut each other loose… Now, I don’t even have his friendship. 4 months ago
Interesting how we seem to hit the point of missing each other so much we can’t stand it at the same time. Conflicting to wake on Tuesday morning and see an e-mail from him (especially since there was supposed to be a filter to delete those immediately which I never put in place). Difficult week to get through trying to figure out what to do, what to say, and when we could actually talk. Joyous to see his face on Skype. Terrified of hurting again. 7 months ago
One of the big topics for today’s talk with the shrink was relationships, and it was several hours later before I realized how profound it was to have that discussion today, on the 11th anniversary of my wedding. For whatever perverse reason, I also felt the need to organize my photo albums this evening which meant lots of pictures of all the exes. Nostalgia. Heartbreak. Sadness. These losses are mingling with other old wounds and making me melancholy. Wish I could shake it off. 8 months ago
This morning I found that PPFA job interviewed for and never heard back on has been re-advertised. That was sort of like the straw and I’ve felt like crap ever since. So the best way I can explain it is that I feel like Tantalus, the Greek who pissed off the gods thus getting stuck in a pool of water which he couldn’t drink from and under a fruit tree which he couldn’t eat from. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but I don’t know how to escape from this hellacious torture… 11 months ago
I miss the sharing of the day. The fact that he cared. I keep thinking I could just pick up the phone and he’d be there, just like before.
The hardest part is that he wanted me, but he couldn’t say that he’d want me forever. Perhaps if he weren’t going to be half a world away for another year… Perhaps a lot of things. I just know that I felt really good with him and the wrenching apart is what causes the pain. 11 months ago
Worry too much about what is next instead of just enjoying what is now.
I am always stressed because my head is always full with so many thoughts. But how do I do that? 11 months ago
Great thought on why we must keep learning:
“I remember asking my father, ‘Why do we need four newspapers?’ He said to me, ‘Unless you read different points of view, your mind will eventually close, and you’ll become a prisoner to a certain point of view that you’ll never question.’”
Mohamed El-Erian, CEO and co-chief investment officer, PIMCO
From a 2009 interview with CNN Money
This weekend seemed to bring some shifts in important relationships for me, basically meaning they are ending or scaling back significantly. First, as it gets closer to when G will leave Korea for his next job, he’s talking to me less and less and not even suggesting times for us to see each other. Given that I’ve told him I don’t want just friendship and some things he said on Skype this weekend, I feel like this is the precursor to the end.
Then there’s SJ who took me to a very lovely event on Saturday. It turns out he didn’t just need a companion to round out the numbers and that actually it was a date. That means he hopes for more from me than I’m interested in giving. Given our 8 years of friendship, that means I’ll be scaling back spending time with him.
That means I’m losing valuable relationships because they’ve become unequal and it makes me very sad. 12 months ago
I’m feeling like Vivian from Pretty Woman, when she’s at the Opera. Tonight I’m going to a black tie event at the Kennedy Center. I bought a dress and some jewelry that I think is appropriate; however, the small town girl in me is about to have a panic attack. She keeps asking if I’m crazy.
This is really hard for me. I was never the girly girl. I did my makeup and hair once a year for the big dance and when I say “I” what I really mean is my sister. This attempt at femininity has me feeling fake which has the butterflies in my stomach in a wild flurry. So I’m attempting to remember to breathe and stay calm. I’ve done harder things than go to dinner in a fancy dress. 12 months ago
and then he’s there…
P!nk’s newest song released on the radio this week, and I’ve been hearing it everywhere. It’s called Just Give Me a Reason and it’s a duet between a woman and her lover about her doubts and his confidence and how to mend the breach of love between them. I often think of G when I hear this and the challenges of loving from afar and not misconstruing texts. How do I get past these doubts and the emptiness of my now to find peace in any relationship?
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again 13 months ago
I’m feeling very worn out. My brain doesn’t seem to want to engage. I was falling asleep on the short drive between DC and home. I took a 3 hour long nap today and didn’t even want to get up from that. I could barely do my Lumosity games. Not sure what it is but just feeling like I’m falling behind. 14 months ago
A friend shared this on Facebook today. She got it from Begin with Yes
When you choose to love even when you’re struggling, even when your heart is breaking, even when your challenges seem almost more than you can bear, you are choosing power and hope that will hold you steady thru the difficult days. ♥ 14 months ago
I’ve been thinking too much about future might have beens based on that which has already happened. Tonight, I’m wishing badly that I had stayed in Korea the extra year I was offered. Wishing that I had met G when he arrived in July and that we could have dated the normal way. That I could have worked with the awesome team that had come on board just as I was leaving. I’m feeling melancholy about the might have beens and the things which might not happen now because of the choices I made.
I know a lot of it is because there’s not a lot going on in my now. The repetition of looking for jobs and tweaking résumés and cover letters every day which only takes up a small portion of my day is dragging me down. I’m so glad I have AK but I’m missing the inter-connectivity which come from working in an office and seeing many different people daily.
I’m lonely… 15 months ago
Today, Ka told me that the mass in her lung was lymphoma… She’s 3 years younger than I am. She is very positive that they caught it in time and the chemotherapy will take care of it. However, it gives me pause and reminds me that life is precious and uncertain. 15 months ago
Dad is sick. Since his heart attack last year, his being sick makes me nervous. Now, he’s very sick in the bathroom and I want everything to be okay. Please let everything be okay. 16 months ago
Usually being with my family reminds of all the things that haven’t changed in the last 20 some years. I’m usually filled with despair and want to hide away. However, this time is different. There is a new computer desk which is sitting facing out of the window instead of where the old one sat, facing a wall. There is new silverware and the old stuff doesn’t appear to have been put aside but gotten rid of. Best of all, my mom has lost about 8 kg in the last few months with a change of medication.
Much is still the same, but these small changes aren’t truly small at all and they give me hope for more for the first time in a long time. 16 months ago
I found these today and have basically battle tested each of them. They are the truth and the reality. If you follow them, you will find peace and happiness. 16 months ago
And it doesn’t seem real. Just 3 more days and I’ll be in Europe with great friends and with my Ski Patrol. Just 3 more days before I leave T and G and Ct and Cy and all the rest of my new friends here. Just 3 more days before my life changes fundamentally. And I am sad and happy and torn and excited. Just 3 more days… 17 months ago