talk less, say more

are bugging me. At the time I added them, there was a clear distinction between them in my mind, but now I feel like I don’t need all of them. I’ve been considering which one to drop, and I’ve decided that it should be this one.

In thinking about these goals, I’ve realized that I’ve become slightly paranoid about communication. I’ve lost confidence in my ability to communicate effectively. I don’t know if this comes from increased awareness of my issues with face-to-face communication, or whether I’ve actually become a worse communicator… or whether I’m wrong about this aspect of myself altogether. I am only just beginning to understand how the dysfunctional communication in my last relationship has damaged my already fragile ability to talk about what matters.

Sometimes I do talk too much, it’s true. But more often, I think I say too little. I think the two goals say exactly what I mean and think before I speak capture more accurately my original intentions here. I went on a retreat program in June, and one of the things I came away with is how incredibly difficult it is for me to speak my truth. From my childhood through to the present, I have learned so many habits of disguise and denial. I want to learn to say what matters to me, what scares me, what makes me uncomfortable and what gives me joy without being misconstrued or causing harm through my words. I think all of these buried conversations in my head are extremely damaging to me, and I need to learn how to have them. My anxiety surrounding conversation, particularly directing conversation myself, is impeding my happiness and my success in life.

So talk less, say more is a great goal, a great goal for me even, but I think that the “talk less” part of it is very dangerous given my natural inclination to avoid difficult topics. I think that if I think before I speak and then make a concerted effort to say what I mean, not only in the sense of the intention behind my words but also in the sense of whatever it is that my heart wants to say, I will accomplish this goal as well. I guess I am simply rolling this goal into the other two. I will give it up for now, but want to be clear on my intentions in doing so.

which is trickier: talking less? Or saying more? Sometimes I talk too little, in fact, about what I should be talking about. Sometimes I allow the confusion to trickle down into silence without doing anything to clarify my assumptions.

So talk less about nothing. Or about stupid petty things that don’t need discussion.

And talk more about what needs to be said.

Hard.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just going on and on. My ex-boyfriend used to accuse me of always turning the conversation to talk about me. I always thought I was doing that to show I could connect with what he was saying because I’d had a similar experience, but he interpreted it as me not being interesting in his experience. I feel like other people do this too and it doesn’t come across this way, and I never could figure out what I was doing differently.

Now I’m in a new relationship and my new man says I never ask questions. He’s right. Maybe this is the problem my ex was talking about – not that I talk about me, but that I don’t ask questions about him. For some reason, I always feel shy about asking questions. It’s hard for me to think of good questions, and I feel embarrassed about probing someone’s personal life too much. I think it’s the residual bits of my shyness.

I really want this new relationship to go well, and I want to fix this problem. But I feel I’m always talking about myself and I don’t know how to ask him what I want to know about him. I’m afraid I’m being terribly self-centered, and the whole time never really saying what I want to say. Inside I’m really interested and care deeply about other people, but I grew up with a non-demonstrative family (my dad is Japanese) and I guess I don’t really know how to show this. And some of it is just me.

I want to figure out how to have deeper, more meaningful conversations. How to talk less empty talk. How to direct the conversation towards the other person. How to gossip less, be less hurtful. How to make everything I say count.

Clearly, I am trying to increase the value of what I say. What I am constantly confused by is how sometimes people take an offhand comment as vastly important, and sometimes they’ll take a well considered statement as worthless.

Maybe I should just speak entirely less.

Say less garbage. Talk less when I have nothing of value to contribute. less chatter.

Increase the value of my words.

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