be loved

i already am for almost 3 years. :)

why do people walk away

love hurts and feels soo good

I don’t care if nothing ever happens with a new girl who likes me – I just want to be loved. It’s the only time I ever really feel good about myself. I absolutely suck with women, ask one of my many (well, one) female friends! She’ll back me up.

I need to work on how I respond to being loved too – if I love her back, it’s normally ‘OH EM GEE, YAY, HOORAY’ and so on and so forth, but if I don’t like them, I normally completely blank them… Secretly I’m happy though.

Man, this is getting me depressed. :D

I want so badly to be loved, I know my parents and my sister and brother love me and the rest of my family but….I feel like the only reason they do is because we are family. I feel like sometimes I’m invisible to some people, I talk and I’m ignored. I just want to feel like I mean something to someone. I’ve always been the one in the background. I want to be loved so bad, and I’m sitting here and my eyes are tearing up and It just hurts, I sometimes wonder if I’ll be missed if something were to happen to me. I want to be someones world, I want to be loved like, there is no tomorrow. There are sometimes I feel so alone and hurt and I just want to be hugged in a blanket of love that it takes away all my pain and tears

Love is a very broad subject. I know that I am loved. But I want to be in Love. I want someone to love me for me. But I also know that that can’t happen until I love myself. So here it goes. A new chapter in my life. I am going to better my life, so that I can love myself and be capable of finding love.

So, I’m sort of new to this… I’m not so sure how to start this off. But I’ll try my best. <3 Hello, My name is Cassie, also know as Cazzie. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old, and I am currently 12, turning 13 on October 2nd. My dad had some type of Brain Damage, from drugs. I lived with my mom, at my grandmothers house, and When I turned 9, my mom was taken to the Hospital because she had the same thing as my father, some sort of Brain Damage. Now that I am 12, I learned to be strong, but sometimes I live in regret, and anger, from not feeling a normal child's life. I sometimes feel like, I wasn't loved long enough, to be on my own. So, I suggest to people, if anything like this, or close, to the type happens to you, or someone you know, tell them, that they have to be strong, and they actually still ARE loved. We have friends. Even if you think you are a loner, with no friends, or new to someplace, there are people secretly admiring you for anything/everything. You just don’t know it yet. This is called FRIENDS. And friends can be other family members too!! I hope this makes any sense… Thank you for reading!

today was not great.

so a long time ago, (at least 1 1/2 years ago) i had this ‘magnetism’ about me, and if i was with a group of friends, and i walked away, one by one, the crowd (however, small) would end up wherever i was.

needless to say i have lost that entirely. in fact it is quite the opposite. in band camp, my best friend (john) is always off and talking to people he hardly knows, being outgoing and quirky. another friend (J.P.) stays around with me but hardly strikes up a conversation, and whenever he does, it is simply a negative comment on the situation. i was depressed with him last year, and now that i have gotten over being a pessimist, i have no interest in listening to him complain or adding any thoughts to his.

at any rate, i don’t have anyone to talk to lately, with a billion thoughts in my head all the time.

to make it worse, when i do have intellectual talks with any of my friends, they are simply not interested in talking about anything i need to get off my chest or am having problems with. at a sleepover, everyone took turns asking each other deep questions about themselves. i was finally asked a question that had been giving me lots of trouble, and before i had finished summarizing it, my friend (jackles) said thats all he wanted to know and was bored of the topic already. previously i had a sleepover and my self, jp, and john all took turns explaining the most dramatic and mentally stressing stories of our recent life, sharing and giving feedback and whatnot. even if no good advice could be given (although it was, mainly by me) it was healthy simply to explain how you feel and why. however, when it was my turn, my friends were tired and i asked them what they wanted to hear. they said nothing and we fell asleep. i am just really frustrated. i don’t even have TOO many problems to speak of, but just the fact that i can’t talk about or resolve any of them with someone sucks.

big problems suck, but with friends that talk with you, you can get over it.

what do you do when the problem is that you have no one to talk to?

i grew up in a well suited home with intelligent responsible parents and a good learning environment, all of which i am grateful for…
but over the past few months/years, in different ways i have discovered that i don’t feel loved like i need to. i wouldn’t consider myself oversensitive, but rather i ponder things over too much. i assume that people put thoughts and feelings into what they do, like they should. but most don’t and i end up taking it personally.

my family is great but i am lonely a lot. my father used to be my greatest role model. he knows more statistics than loads of books, but he is nearly emotionless. he is so helpful in almost every situation but i simply talk to him in a meaningful conversation.

my mother is quite different. she is no textbook but she is very happy and makes no decision that she would regret. she could be considered quite spiritual and is a good person to talk to, if not for the gender barrier and her prior attachment to my sister that leaves me hanging.

my sister (amanda)..... she is a lot different. she is smart and responsible…but just doesn’t see anything the way i do. she values things that i consider trivial, and she is an emotianal wildcard. usually dry as stone, immune to any speck of emotion that i would feel 1000fold, sometimes she breaks down crying when she has no reason to. she is elder than i, and since our parents don’t want to ‘take sides’ in our arguments, she always gets what she wants. and she is used to it.

for example, a long time ago, we were planning a trip to our cousins house. our cousins are both girls and older than me, so naturally my sis has a better connection with them, but they are still family to me. i was getting psyched about going, and amanda was under the idea that i wasn’t going to go. apparently i don’t have fun with them like she does. anyway, it turned into a four hour long fight over whether i could go or not. i finally got sick and tired. i knew amanda wasn’t going to suffer if i went, and i knew that i deserved to do what i wanted, but the mentality just finally popped in my head that if she was gonna sit here and bitch about how annoying i am for four goddamn hours, she could fucking have what she wants and i would just get over it. i said something along the lines of ‘jesus christ! okay if you really want me to be gone that fricking bad then FINE ill just stay here!!!’ and i stormed off into my room. next thing you know shes in her room crying.

that moment pissed me off more than most anything else in my life. of course i’m thinking ‘WOW bitch you just fought me for four GODDAMN HOURS and i FINALLY fucking let you have what you want and you go fucking cry!!! POOR YOU!!’ i was SOO furious…. but i am always the martyr in our relationship. anyway for many many reasons she makes my life a lot harder. we get along but she seriously makes me depressed sometimes. maybe i’l explain more later.

well all of that was really just explaining that i dont feel love coming from the people around me. i know that they care but its hard sometimes knowing that my death wouldn’t cause much grief.

i hope to be loved one day. to the point where someone needs me more than i need them.

I have felt it and i want to feel it again, although he lives on the other side of the world, perhaps one day we’ll be together and feel that same unconditional love. that is what i am working towards