stop being fake

Im fake…I be what others want me to be. I can be fun, serious, childish, crazy depending on who im with – and its not something Im proud of. Someone Im meeting for the first time told me after looking at me that Im an absolute fake. I dont know who i am…but im going to find out…

I unconsciously do it when I’m trying to be liked by people. I don’t notice it, I feel more like myself when i’m high or on depressants. it’s sad… I’ve had some out of body situations where I wouldve said something and thought to myself, that was so not me did I really just say that and thought it was cute? I’ve been on a 16 year quest on a search for my true self… help ?

I care too much what people think i didn’t used to but since starting high school i have and i want to get back to being me :(

I don’t think I’m genuine. I don’t think I portray to others who I really am. I’m so obsessed with what other people think of me, that I’ve become this shell of a person. I don’t really exist; I don’t have an identity. I wish it hadn’t taken it me this long to come to this realization. But it’s something I am going to work on now.

I told someone today how I actually felt about them. It felt REALLY good.

I cut my hair the way i wanted, i’m starting to wear the clothes i want, do my make-up the way i want. not a lot of people like it, but i do. its so hard to be who you are when everyone is expecting you to be someone else, to be perfect… i figured i’d start with appearance.

The other night, someone that I think is fantastic called me out and it really made me start thinking. My friend Amanda and I were talking on the phone. We work together, and we really don’t know eachother that well yet. I made a comment about loving her to pieces… and she said “How do I know if you really mean that because you say that to everybody…” and she’s right. I’m always running around loving on everyone, telling them how much I love them, how cute they are… etc. etc. etc. Part of it is this weird Mother Goose thing I have going for me, the other part is fake. Feeling like I have to be everybody’s best friend whether I actually feel that way or not. I’m the type of person that never shows how they really feel, and for all anyone knows I’m happy 24/7 and love 100% of the people on the planet. In reality, however… both of those things are far from the truth. I should maybe show the people that I care about how much I really do care for them and spend less time worrying about making the people that I don’t really like, like me. In the big picture, who really gives an eff what they think anyway? So thanks to my friend Amanda, who I really do adore… I’m going to make an honest effort to be a more genuine person and leave the fake personlities to others.

is so fake. how can they all be so happy and optimistic all the time. they make me feel terrible. so, i figure that i should try to be happy and optimistic. im never able to fake it until it becomes secondnature. i just act really weird XXXXXXXXXX

why i insist on being as fake as i am. on so many different levels. but it really hit me today that i need to change something. whenever i get into a fight with one of my friends, we both just start acting like it never happened; no talking it out..nothing like that. we just put on this act that everything is okay. it’s so fake. we’re all just pretending..and it gets us nowhere. i hate that i have other motives to be fake though..such as future plans or other things along those lines. so not only am i fake..but i’m using people. just wonderful.

called fake at least twice this week. and countless times before that. i don’t really understand why, but i’m just taking everyone’s word for it and coming to terms with the fact that i more than likely am a very fake person. i know i care too much about what others think about me, and i know i end up changing myself to make it so they’ll like me better or want to be friends with me. but i don’t know how to NOT care. i’ve always cared..and i think i probably always will.