seek out new friendships, nurture old ones

are what I consider to be friends now. I hang out with one of them a lot more than the other, but the three of us have spent lots of time chatting and bonding and it’s great.

I’ve been invited to a housewarming at a new friend’s and I will be dragging my roommates along so that we can all meet new people, something we’re all in dire need of. I’m trying to foster connections between people as well as connections for myself. :)

Meeting one new friend later on today (as it’s 1 am right now so it’ll be today afternoon). I think I’m on par to meet another person next weekend, who I’m not as comfortable with from what I know about him but hey, at least I’m finally expanding my social network other than colleagues from school!

I’m excited because even if these people don’t turn out to be people I want to be friends with (or the other way around), then at least I stepped outside my comfort zone and took the first step.

but both are extremely hard right now.

It’s almost easier trying to seek out new friends because at least it’s starting on a clean slate and they don’t need to know things I don’t want them to know about (accidental slip-ups notwithstanding).

Old friendships…haha. Let’s just say I’ve been doing some soul-searching here and finding no answers. Rather, I’m finding answers that the “old me” (whoever that was) would’ve never really given serious thought to. Now…things are changing and I’m changing and so are they. Everyone’s lives are diverging more than ever and despite grand attempts, personality clashes might ultimately end up more hurtful. I don’t know what will happen, but I don’t know if I’ve felt so alone before. Sure, I still talk to my friends and we hang out when I visit home. That’s all great and fun, but am I ultimately harming myself?

I believe that before one can take care of others, one needs to take care of herself. And more and more, I am really believing in needing I have to follow this advice.

I spoke to a mentor the other day and I mentioned this briefly. She said that “When you need someone, it scares them.” I think about that, and I think I am deciding that I don’t care as much why they aren’t there when I need them as the fact that I am “there” for them way too much and not getting any relief from my own burdens when it comes my turn.

I’m not a rock, people! I am barely fighting the current myself! I can’t fight yours too. I’m sorry, but I just fuckin’ CAN’T. Not anymore.

*Some exceptions exist. Generalizations occur in this post. Don’t effin’ flame me giving examples of contradictory evidence. One or two examples against the horde I have doesn’t hold up well.

I text my old friends a lot, or I try to. I also use text to keep in touch with new friends as it is much more informal. That and I’ve grown this distaste at using the phone. I don’t know why.

I’m trying to broaden my network. I’m going to try volunteering at a couple of places this fall as well as search for an internship. I continually try my best to talk more in class and get to know my classmates, especially as it is a small school and a smaller department. I am getting better at it. Of course, not much better, but hey, at least I’m trying. I just need to try harder!