GAinCA I will bend the light pretending that it somehow lingered on.
It’s interesting how my feelings have changed over the course of the last months. My last entry was written the very same day I broke up with the ex. Today it’s almost three months later. It was my first relationship and my first breakup. Today, while I am still lonely sometimes, it’s not a desperate loneliness the way it was before.
Today, if anything, I miss his friendship. In the weeks after the breakup, I missed having someone and I missed him specifically, but as a few more weeks went on, I realized how much happier I was without him. I was more focused on myself and on spending time with people who made me feel good. I wasn’t brooding, wondering if and when he was going to call. I no longer felt needy and dependent. Then a strange thing happened. Once I realized how much less stressed I was, and as I began to see the former relationship more objectively, I felt like I went through a second grieving period of sorts. I began to see that I had let myself get taken advantage of, and I became able to put into words what I’d felt during the relationship. I identified that being with him had allowed me to pretend that he cared and was more committed than was actually the case. And the grieving came when I realized those things because I felt very hurt, and I felt betrayed by the fact that he didn’t break up with me once he knew that I was becoming more and more attached. I had to keep telling myself that the most important thing was that I had been proactive and gotten myself out of it, that I had woken up and begun to believe I was worth more, and that that realization is what gave me the courage to say, “I can’t see you anymore.”
When I left his house the day of the breakup, he kissed me on the cheek and said, “Give me a call. Let me know how you’re doing.” I was crying and didn’t want to try to speak through my tears, so I simply nodded and walked away. As I did, I thought that I would end up calling him later in the week, but you know what? I didn’t. And in retrospect I think that was the best move, or the best non-move. I just couldn’t do it, you know? I didn’t want to talk to him while I was still mourning his loss. I haven’t spoken to him or communicated with him in any way since then, but lately I’ve been wanting to meet with him, simply because of the fact that I want him to know I’m doing much better without him. Is that stupid and vengeful of me? I also partly want to because I have some things of his that I want to give back rather than simply get rid of. But I’m a little reluctant. I don’t feel like re-opening that part of my past. I’m confident, however, that if and when I see him again I will be able to feel whatever I’m going to feel and easily move on to my normal life.
I’ve been on a couple dates since the breakup, with a couple different people. One of them I felt I could really get along with, and I felt like he and I had some important things in common. It seemed like we had potential. But the last few communications we had with each other were initiated by me, not him, and he didn’t make any effort to try to see me. It’s been five days since we last communicated, and I’m pretty much concluding that he’s no longer interested. I’ll admit I’m a little bit irritated; our last date seemed to go very well. He kissed me when he dropped me off for the night, and I felt like I was walking on clouds for the next few days. Now? Who knows what he’s thinking. All I know is that I won’t make the same mistake twice. I won’t keep calling. I won’t keep texting. I won’t put my life on hold for a man. My coworker said to me the other day that you should never have to sell yourself, that being yourself should be enough, and I think I agree with him.
This entry turned out much longer than originally intended, but I needed to get all these thoughts out of my head. I feel like my last relationship was sort of a joke. But I learned a big and important lesson. I learned that I am not someone who can do romantic or sexual things without a relationship to go along with it. I learned not to give of myself so easily. I learned that I have a lot of love to give, but more importantly I am learning in the aftermath that I can’t give it to just anybody.
And so I am by myself tonight, as I was last night and as I expect I will be tomorrow night. I am lonely, yes. I want to be in a relationship. A serious relationship, at that. I want so much to experience the reciprocality of loving and being loved, of sharing the mundane events of everyday life with someone, like washing dishes after dinner or simply curling up on the couch with a book while the other is wasting time on the internet. Those are the kinds of things that touch my heart: spending time together without having to do anything special, where simply being in each other’s presence is enough. A relationship where the little things are what count the most. I thought I would have that with the man I was seeing most recently. My point, I suppose, is that I am deciding here and now not to worry about it. I am concentrating on becoming more independent, on becoming more comfortable with myself, and on becoming a woman who can create her own happiness. I won’t say it’s easy; it’s not. The steps that I am taking are very small. But I believe that in accomplishing these small tasks, I am slowly becoming the person that I need to be for whoever turns out to be the one that I decide to share my life with. And that is definitely worth it.
