start talking again

I’ve become a lot more outgoing over the last year and become more open with my partner spurred on by him moving in with me. It’s nice to have someone to talk to every night. Now I fear that I will again become that obnoxious child that I had silenced in middle school. I fear it’s either all or nothing with me.

its so difficult. it needs to be under the right circumstances. not being able to talk feels like holding your breath all day. i know i should just start, but i just cant. maybe its the fear of embarassment, maybe its the fear of looking stupid, maybe i feel that im not worthy. god, my self esteem is low. i still feel the effects of childhood trauma and i cant break out of this shell. i know im smart, i have every reason to feel good about myself. its the fear of the unknown, if i start talking what will happen. something bad is bound to happen. its pessimism also. o well, i guess its important to talk about it.