feeling down, discouraged, filled with doom after one of our off site meetings. I am going to make a to do list, which generally makes me feel better. I feel very low now.

EDIT:
I am working on my list and feel a little better. 1 month ago

One way I know often helps me feel less anxious is making lists. Also I like completing items on the list.

1. Clean off desktop and file papers into their files
2. Call the line and report cases for tomorrow
3. Forgive myself for what I ate today
4. Just try to relax and breathe 1 month ago

I hate having social anxiety, i can hardly even leave my room any more, let alone go to school and get an education. I’ve started new meds and therapy in an attempt to beat it, hope things go well… 2 months ago

for one can i just say, i’m sure that i am one of the many who disliked high school and didn’t find it to be the time of my fucking life. no it wasn’t beyond horrible, but it also isn’t something i would ever want to go back and relive again. now that i’ve stated that i just want to say how horrible my anxiety becomes once i see people from my high school. thankfully, summer is almost over so i’ll be back to college again soon and these run ins with past schoolmates will come to an end. today i was at starbucks and of course i’m just asking to see at least one person from my high school there, but no i see three people who i used to be friends with that i had a falling out with. and of course it was highly awkward and all i can think of is how bitchy and mean they were going to be once i left and just talk shit about me and make fun of me. and as much as i just shouldn’t care and let them be petty bitches if they please, i can’t help my anxiety and dread increase and just wish that once you graduate from high school that the majority of people from there just disappeared and you never have to deal with them again. but alas, life cannot be that easy so instead i have to repeatedly tell my self to stop worrying and calm down and just LET IT GO! there’s nothing i can do. i just need to realize that if they want to talk about me then they will and there’s nothing i can do so i better just forget it and move on.
like i said high school is done and so with that i just need to say fuck everyone that is going to be bitchy and realize that i’m happy with my life and that is all that really matters not people i don’t give a fuck about from high school. 9 months ago

one of my biggest triggers is getting lost. i immediately feel panicked and my mind begins to race. i feel as if i will never be able to find my way home again and i’ll be lost forever just wandering. i know this sounds dramatic and over the top, but in the midst of being lost i lose all sense of control and reality. i can only focus on the fact that i don’t know where i am and that i am very, very scared.
this leads me into by big adventure tomorrow. i’m going to a friend’s art show that she is hosting in a gallery about an hour and a half away from me in a city i’ve never even been to before. i’ve been stressing about it since i found out where it would be located and now my sense of dread and anxiety is only rising. i’ve gone over directions again and again, but i know it wont matter or make a difference if i get lost because i’ll lose all hope and begin to panic. it’s times like these that i think i need to be medicated because i have not been able to live these past few days normally because i’m too focused on driving there and back…ugh…
wish me luck x 11 months ago

my anxiety can be triggered by many things. there isn’t many things that set it off in particular, but movie theaters is definitely one of them. i don’t have a problem with all movies in a theater only action ones, typically, because of the loud noises and so much going on. i feel as if my body tightens to the point where exiting the theater and removing myself from the situation feels damn near impossible. tonight was no exception. i went to see the avengers and i should have known with all the fight scenes it would be difficult for me to make it through the whole movie. i didn’t have to leave or have that paralyzing feeling completely, but it throws me out of my comfort zone and puts me on edge for hours afterwards.
this leads me into feeling “out of control”. this out of control feeling is what makes me feel like i’m having a heart attack and on the verge of dying. like i’m spiraling out of control and no one is able to stop it or make the process less painful.
part of the reason i want to manage my anxiety is reasons like these two. i want to be able to enjoy a movie and not have to stay up the whole night worrying and fretting and feeling my body not be able to relax and come down. i don’t want to keep living this way. i’m hoping that writing events like this down will help be an out let to let things out and be able to reflect on why it happens and how to prevent it. 12 months ago

this weekend was full of celebration because my brother graduated from college. as excited and happy and proud of him as i was, i knew my anxiety would be a roller coaster. as predicted, i had many panics of different sorts. the more i seem to try and control my anxiety the more i feel like i have no control over it. my sleeping pattern has been awful like usual, but last night it was at its all time worst. i kept having cold sweats and panicking in my mind about situations that have happened in the past or yet to happen. this then sends my mind reeling and in overdrive unable to relax or calm down to even rest. i know part of the reason i have had insomnia for this so many years is because of my anxiety. i’m not sure at this point what action to take, but hope to come up with one soon. 12 months ago

my anxiety has been something i’ve been battling with for quite sometime. i have always been anxious and as i’ve gotten older it seems to have gotten worse. i would prefer to not go on medication because i don’t like the way mood altering drugs make me feel. i’m trying to concentrate on how small things are that make me anxious and to not blow things out of proportion. 12 months ago

I generally feel worse after looking at it
My social anxiety kicks in after 1+ seconds
Maybe I should stop
Would that be too easy? 13 months ago

My MD suggested I do this Anxiety Diary for when I am anxious “for no reason”

1. What is the level of anxiety 0-10 7
2. What are you thinking
Item A: I feel bad that I cancelled an appointment at the last minute and the person had already driven in the rain 30 minutes to meet me but by the time I had called her back to make it right, she had already turned around on the freeway and was driving back home. I could tell she was irritated and I know it was an irresponsible thing for me to do. In mitigation, she does get paid whether she meets me and does the work or not.
Item B: I am bored with the subject she is teaching me and I am wanting to not do it anymore, but I have invested 10 years in it and it seems a shame to give up. However this situation is maybe kind of like a relationship gone bad ,where it may be better in the long run to end it than hold onto memories of what it once was.
ITEM C – Maybe this is my payback for denying people benso’s for their anxiety – here’s how it feels – bad
3. Intervention
writing about it
going to exercise in about 2 hours
cleaning and organizing / paying bills

4. How do I feel after intervention

After workout out 1h hard, 1h light, 1h med I got my mind off it. Then I talked with spouse about my feelings. I apologized to the person who I offended. I am feeling better and ready for bed. The exercise helped a lot. 16 months ago

I am having anxiety because I am expecting someone to come see me in the office and I don’t know how to help her with her problem and it is my job to know how to help her, and I don’t know, so I don’t know my job, and I must not be any good at it at all! Oh God!
She may not even show up but what if she does! She probably will!
Oh no!

Rereading it it sounds like I’m making a joke about anxiety symptoms, but that’s the anxiety thought process. Fear of being shamed and irrational judgements. 16 months ago

“Lacerations have been healing for thousands of years before stitches were invented”

To the patient who spends the whole visit refusing any treatment because it is not “natural”: “The natural thing to happen is to get sick and die. I am trained to try to prevent nature from doing that to you.”

“Anti-arrythmic drugs are poisons that occasionally have desirable side-effects”

“During a code, the first pulse to check is your own.”

“Good judgement comes from experience, which results from making bad judgements.” 16 months ago

I know I’ll never be rid of it, but I hope to make it so that it doesn’t continue keeping me from doing awesome stuff like living life and taking chances and stuff. It’s grown so much over the years that it’s kept me in a teeny tiny box. I’d like to put it into an even teeny tinier box. And stop being in a box.

In other news, I’m flying all by myself on Christmas Day to New Jersey. I read that there are a ton of delays and stuff over there because of crazy weather. I am going to try to not freak out about that. 17 months ago

I know I would feel better if I did something, like, exercise, or something at all. But I am sitting here and not moving.

EDIT: What I am doing is feeling angry at self for not moving. Negative feelings towards self. I am waiting for something to happen but nothing is going to happen unless I do something. I was instructed by my psychologist to take note of when I feel negative about self, or shame about self. I feel it now. I am frustrated that I am not tearing myself away from the internet and going to get some exercise. There are things I can do but I’m just afraid to do them. Mostly it is my social anxiety. 17 months ago

I am going to try to not engage in childish squabbling and blaming. I will just let certain things go and try to solve the larger problems. Not everyone is going to like me. 21 months ago

I will try to just worry about things I can possibly influence and try to accept the things I cannot change. 21 months ago

Believe it or not, it’s possible for someone to get over this.

I took the obvious and yet unconventional approach to resolving this problem.

Coining a phrase from Hippocrates, “Let medicine be thy food and food be thy medicine.” Diet therapy worked.

If you remove all the accelerants and depressants from your diet all that is left is to work on patience. 23 months ago