im 36 and finally realize that i am co-dependant and hyper-sensitive, among other things. with a history of abuse and neglect as a child and through my adult years, one could only imagine the issues i face. i do realize there is ALWAYS someone who has had a worse life. always. i also realize i am VERY blessed by God and always have been. still, there is a constant dissatisfaction with my life, even myself. i am tired of constantly looking for ‘someone’ and/or ‘something’ to end the ‘restlessness’ i fight daily. i look around and realize that i have all that i need to be truly happy. indeed i would even say my cup is overflowing…. has life thus far left me unscathed by its sometimes cruel irony? no. i have endured much heartache. i have experienced circumstances that would make anyone gasp and wonder,”how are you alive?” but thats another days’ entry. im simply weary. i see myself clearly for the first time. i see alot. some good. some bad. and some things amaze even myself. of course i am impatient. i want to have ‘gone through the fire’ already. my battle is with myself though. so it is long and grueling. i take steps forward, then i retreat backwards. stumbling. or just outright falling on my face. the degree of damage caused to me as a child baffles me. i never realized the extent of the damages. blaming and bitterness grow old. i still cling to them in weak moments, but more than anything i want to be free. not perfect. just free. most of the time i am aware of what exactly has to be done to achieve my goal. but i freeze. i physically freeze. and even the sound of my own reason and empathy cant jar me enough to move. i look at myself and see the tradgedy of myself. sometimes i mourn for the baby in me that wanted only to be held and fed and consoled. or for the innocense that was taken from a little girl craving affection. or for the woman who allowed herself to be used in exchange for companionship. i see clearly the dysfunction that is me. but now i also see what is beneath the many layers of my self-made ‘armor’. and i smile. i see ‘a diamond in the rough’ that God created. i see hope and beauty that the world tried so desperately to destroy. and still tries to destroy. sometimes my destruction is self-made also. but now i see that ALL the miseries of my life have made me resilient. have made me,me. and i am a jewel. we all are. that was God’s intention. yes i still have a long journey ahead of me, but now there is ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ and the possibilities for me are now endless. <3 15 months ago
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I need to find happinessvwithin myself and not look for a relationship to make me happy 20 months ago