enforce personal boundaries

...in a forceful way if necessary for those who are hard of hearing.

One of the biggest problems I have had with Boyfriend is his argumentativeness and insistence that I agree with him on EVERYthing. Here I’m not talking about things that fall within the realm of science, objective reality or demonstrable facts. We have an extremely large degree of overlap in those areas, both having done our degrees in the sciences and being atheists.

No, I’m talking about matters of subjective experience, opinion, personality or taste. He may ask my feelings on something and then attempt, quite strenuously, to convince me to feel differently. Now, don’t get me wrong – discussion is healthy. But so is being your own person and, therefore, a little different to your partner.

The problem is he doesn’t know where the line is or when to stop. He doesn’t seem to pick up on signals in those instances where I simply feel the way I feel, am unconvinced by what he has to say and am not going to change my mind. He just goes on and on at me. The harassment escalates into terrible arguments and I tend to feel horribly bullied and controlled.

But, as those who have read my previous entries will know, I have been very much in an “enough is enough” place. This has recently led me to become harsher in my expression of my boundaries. The last few times it happened, I just held my hand up and told him to stop in a strong and forceful voice. I told him that I had had enough arguing, that I simply felt the way I felt, that I was not going to change my mind and that he was to leave it alone now.

It doesn’t always work immediately. He sometimes persists and tries to draw me back in, or start a new argument with the words “I was just trying to…” or “I just think…”. I don’t allow this either. It’s a foot-in-the-door technique that, when permitted, results in the continuation of the argument. At this point, I tell him again straight out and strongly that I have lost interest in the argument and no longer wish to discuss it or anything related to it. The entire issue must be dropped. And it is :) \o/

I think he thinks that if we don’t agree on everything we will end up breaking up over it. This probably has something to do with his being a child of divorce – he’s had some horrible experiences with disagreement. As much as I sympathise, it is his trauma that he is going to have to deal with at some point. My individuality is too high a price to pay to make him feel secure. Which he probably wouldn’t anyway. Hopefully, one of the things he’ll learn over time is that he can allow us to be different and the world will not end. Hope this helps.

The list of boundaries I gave my boyfriend generated a lot of discussion between us, the upshot of which has been Boyfriend discovering I have some boundaries, wants or needs that are different from his and that this is actually okay because we are different people. Up until recently he has been writing these things off as some sort of passing female hysteria. Not very consistent for a man who likes to think he’s feminist!

To help us identify how our core needs differ, we used the information and resources we found on Dr. Hartley’s site http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html Interestingly, it took a man telling my boyfriend that my complaints were valid for him to actually take them as such, which shocked him quite a bit.

I think this whole experience has been a big wake up call for him in terms of his supposed values. Saying you believe men and women deserve equal consideration and respect is not just a gold star you get to wear. You can’t just talk the talk, you’ve gotta walk the walk too.

Thus, I am still not feeling very confident in our future. This is partly because my trust has been undermined obviously, but it’s also partly because change is so hard and takes such a long time. There has been a lot of talking, but as yet not enough walking, so to speak. I won’t be marking this goal off as done until I am confident that my boundaries are both understood and respected.

I looked around on the internet for advice about this issue. It was quite hard to find anything useful as everyone talks about communicating your boundaries, but very, very few of them have strategies for dealing with those individuals that persist. I did eventually find this article though: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Difficult-Relatives

I found it very applicable. It involves setting up a 30 day no boundary-crossing policy that is transformed into a 30 day no contact policy if the person continues to violate you. My boyfriend sat up and took note when I whipped this one out! He even started asking me questions about how I felt and what boundaries were most important to me – what a turnaround!

He asked me to write him a list of my personal rules, which I did. It felt a bit weird at first as no-one has ever needed me to be that…I don’t know…bureaucratic…but it was well worth it just in terms of my own edification, let alone his. I discovered there were 3 broad categories he was violating. In case it helps anyone they were:

Aggression: this covered stuff like not shouting at me, not making emphatic hand gestures in my face and not leaning forward intimidatingly into my personal space. It also covered passive-aggressive stuff like rolling his eyes at me or sighing.

Abandonment: this covered both physical and emotional abandonment like it’s not okay to suddenly leave the room or give me the silent treatment. It also covered neglect of his responsibilities as an adult such as not doing his share of the housework or pretending to be helpless when he doesn’t want to do something.

Control: the worst violations of the three (or perhaps the one held as most sacred by me). This included his making me feel like I’m crazy or unreasonable anytime my feelings depart from what he wants them to be – my feelings are my own. Also, being treated like I am not allowed to have a mind of my own (i.e. insisting I agree with everything he says). Finally, his withdrawing into non-responsiveness/monosyllabic replies and refusing to cooperate with me anymore should I not agree with him immediately, have questions or require convincing. Punished for thinking or being my own person – not cool, dude.

Wow, really long entry, but I’ve seen that those who have gone before me haven’t written much about this. I hope what I’ve written helps others in the future. I will keep you posted on how things develop.

I am having real trouble with my boyfriend and the fact that he doesn’t respect my boundaries. I have made it very clear to him what they are and I point it out to him when he crosses them, but he doesn’t stop. I’ve got to the point where I feel I have no say in how I am treated. I feel literally violated and it has destroyed the intimacy between us. We have been together 3 years, but I am on the verge of walking out.

I have realised that part of the problem is that there are no consequences for his actions. We live together and have several bedrooms in our house. I’ve moved out of our room and made one of them my own. When he persists in violating my boundaries, I explain how I feel, ask to be left alone and retreat there. But he follows me and then refuses to leave my room. Honestly, I can’t breathe! I feel so trapped and helpless! My gut feeling is that, if I cannot successfully walk away from someone who is mistreating me, I have asserted nothing and have no power or respect in our relationship.

He will leave after about half an hour of insistence from me, but then he gives me the silent treatment, sometimes for days. Once he ignored me for over 3 weeks. This is not acceptable. And on top of that, the swing from violation to abandonment is painful and bewildering.

I feel that his behaviour makes it completely impossible for me to enforce my boundaries. The only thing that happens is that I get punished for having them. Please, if anyone has any concrete advice on what I can do to enforce what I say, not just say it, please, please let me know.

I realize I may have gone overboard with this one. Oh well!

I’ve decided that I need to make a real effort to set and enforce my personal boundaries. I’ve been considering the adage “People treat you how you teach them to treat you,” and I suppose I need to take responsibility for putting myself in the position of being taken advantage of or of having people take liberties I don’t consider appropriate.

I read this great article on Oprah’s Web site about boundaries (http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_past_20010205.jhtml), and I made a list of the things I won’t allow (e.g., people using my computer w/o asking, people making sexist comments around me, etc.); the challenge now is enforcing the boundaries I’ve outlined.

Lately I’ve been taking steps toward setting boundaries because I know that no matter what the risk, e.g. offending someone, creating an awkward situation, or whatever, the outcome of standing up for oneself is far preferable to that of not speaking up. Because you can lose yourself when you continually allow others to violate your boundaries. I consider myself a good person, and strong in many ways, but I have struggled with trying to be more assertive for a long time. I think by approaching basically the same concept (being assertive/setting personal boundaries) from the perspective of protecting and respecting my own limits, rather than just trying to make myself into an Assertive Person I may have greater success than I did in the past. At least I hope so!

I’m realizing that if you don’t clearly define in no uncertain terms what you will and will not except people take advantage, invade your personal space, probe, and pry a little too much. At the top of the Boundary Violaters list is my mother who is too interested in my sex life.

I have instated and will continue to enforce my boundaries with my ex and my parents so far. It is a great feeling knowing that there is a pesonal space around me that I have now forbid people to cross. It gives me room to breathe without worrying that I might be not thinking of someone else. Well now I get to think of me. I can say no. and I do. This is my life so I am going to live for me.