I had a nightmare last night. And for the past few days certain things have been hard to deal with and I can’t seem to be able to get past some stuff… I want to think this is normal and nothing to do with the book… hopefully the further I go with the book this will not happen as much… 3 years ago

I DID THE BOOK YESTERDAY!!! I didn’t do it today because I want to give myself breaks from it and I don’t want to do it every day. I am only going to do it when I feel like it. I feel so great about it though!! I am so happy! It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be! 3 years ago

I have not felt strong enough to do the book until a couple of weeks ago. Now the problem is finding time. Lately, when I have time to do it I end up finding other things to do instead. I am seriously procrastinating on doing this. I have time but when I have time I think, “Well, I’d rather be doing something more uplifting”. But what could be more uplifting than getting over all the bad things that happened to me in the past and forgiving myself?

But it takes time. And it hurts emotionally to go through all my old thoughts and my past and realize truths about myself. It hurts to do these things… but it has to hurt before it can heal, and even though that sucks its something I have to do.

Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. The book is going to sit forever on the bookshelf and if I never do it I might feel like this forever. I am going to do the book. I need to do the book.

Maybe through all my procrastination and fear of delving too deeply in my own psyche and worrying I have built up a fear of the book that is unreasonable. How scary can a book be? Its paper and ink… it can’t hurt me. If I freak out I can close it and put it away… I am a big girl and I should not let a book frighten me this much…

Ah… but words printed on paper have reduced me to a weeping little child on more than one occasion… and I would rather not let that day be today… but when? When else will I have time? When will I be prepared? Never! Today is the only day that matters right now and if I am going to make a change I have to do it now.

So I am going to open the book again today. About an hour or so before Stephen comes home. That way if I am emotional I won’t have to wait long before he can be here to comfort me, but I will still have plenty of time for reading and completing the “homework” in it. 3 years ago

Stephen is home now. I can do this goal now I think, I just have been forgetting to do it. I had a nightmare last night, but it wasn’t the same as my old nightmares… so that is good. I need to pick the book up while Stephen is at work. Maybe I will today if I feel strong enough. 3 years ago

I keep saying I’m going to do this and I never do. 4 years ago

I think I might try it this week…

maybe. 4 years ago

I don’t think I am going to be able to even start on this until Stephen comes home. I’m not supposed to do this unless I’m all alone for at least 15 minutes… but I can’t do this unless I have Stephen to hold me later. 4 years ago

I hate the book. I don’t want to do it! 4 years ago

Monday or Wednesday nights are looking like the answer for me right now. Maybe tomorrow night I will try doing the book. Maybe I will buy a chocolate bar or something and refuse to let myself have it until after I spend some time with the book. 4 years ago

I need to make a weekly appointment with myself to do this… and reward myself with something only after I do the book. 4 years ago