don't pull my hair for 45 consecutive days

Hi

I think I gathered enuf strength to start from tom Dec 1 onwards.
I have to get it done this time..

trying.

i want to turn this around and get this.

i didnt expect it to work the first time, garuntee.

this is definitely a lesson learned on the downfalls of this eyeliner and how i have to be wayyy more careful.

thats right.. a lesson LEARNED.
like i said, im trying.

today a girl from my school that graduated last year, died from leukemia.

it really puts life into perspective.

how can i destroy myself, let trich control me and take over my life, when this girl had her life taken from her?

its time for me to take back my life and live it to the fullest. for me. and for Natalie Bradley. <3

fucking a..

i pulled SO MUCH.

have i studied? no.
have i packed? no.

have i destroyed myself and everything i have been working for, missed my goals, made myself feel like a failure, made this weekend really scary/hard bc fixing the makeup is going to be way harder, feel worthless and like i dont deserve..anything really..?
yes.

why is this so fucking hard to just..resist??
i desperately wanted to stop but couldnt make myself. total loss of control..
:’[ :’[ :’[

to think that i can fight this.
i’m obviously doing something so drastically wrong.

how can i face ppl?
it sucks having to hide so much.
if i can take pride in one skill, it has to be numbing how i feel and not letting myself feel emotional pain.. pretending like everything is okay. when it’s not.

so i didnt really want to post today but thats what this is about. posting even when you dont want to bc its about fighting this and not ignoring it.

this whole week was supposed to be really chill and laid back but i have been wasting crazy amounts of time doing nothing and also researching colleges.

yesterday i was led to believe that i only had 10 days left to decide my top 5 colleges. so i was freaking out and stressing like crazy and researching like crazy.

however, i called to confirm this and they said that i had tons of time and could change everything pretty last minute which is AMAZING.
i would still love to know where im going and where my top choice even is, but i still have time to decide and ive finally (just now) come to realize that i could research for days and weeks but the big thing that makes the decision is visiting so im going to do that sometime soon.
a college can look totally amazing on paper (or computer) but its really the atmopshere and the feeling once you are there that counts. (aka this past weekend, never realized how much one college visit could change things)

and i have a huge test tomorrow and some packing to do for a short trip which i have done none of all of this. stressing a lot.

and i …pulled..?? i mean yeah. but it started off like it always does, with “not really pulling”. the convincing yourself that it doesn’t count. until it gets to the point where you wonder like come on how much can you pull without it counting and you realize you have far surpassed the limit. i didn’t pull that much but i DEFINITELY pulled. which sucks bc this weekend used to be my goal for 60 days but that is long gone, now its january i guess.

im definitely seeing some growth but very little and i dont want to just take all that away from myself.

the room/desk is a mess, very uninviting to do work, maybe thats a big part of the problem…

im also definitely looking for a fresh start. realllyyy looking.
hopefully thanksgiving break will be really great and stress-free or as much as that can be with this college hell.

ps i have been watching videos on urocks or something about colleges, and its pretty intimidating/it “accidentally” to me at least, shows negative sides in contrast to admission websites.. kinda makes me really nervous about going to college in general..

thanks for the support!

and im sorry about the anxiety attack. stress is such a major trigger of this and it sucks cause i feel like there is little one can do to make it go away. i mean yeah ppl say to stop what you are doing and do something relaxing, but isnt that just more stressful because you are not doing what you need to be doing?

thats good that you got out the bandana and forced yourself to stop congrats on that at least.

so there are 2 really long eyelashes that are killing me and i was really close to pulling last night while finishing up a book for school but somehow miraculously i did not pull them because i know that i need to get over that stage and then when they are all long it will just be normal. if i pull all the long ones then that will never happen.
so i quit reading and just went to bed and read it in the morning. finding other ways to get school work done is so much better.

today i had an interview for an ROTC scholarship. i was really nervous because i am totally counting on this for college tuition and i cant imagine my life any other way.
i actually felt confident about what i was wearing and everything went really well! he said i got the highest score on the sheet possible which was awesome and that if it were up to him (like it used to be) he would give me a full scholarship right there. made my day.
it feels good to finally have some success and acceptance because i feel like i just keep getting rejected (applications)

i also told him about trich. which was SCARY AS HELL. i knew i had to tell him but i did not imagine telling him the way that i did. it just kind of came out way earlier than expected. the first thing he said was tell me abotu yourself and after my school, sports, personality, there it was already.
i didnt say what exactly i pulled hoping he would catch the hint even though i think he assumed the hair on my head, but whatever, he tried to be nice about it as much as he could even though i dont really think he knew what to say, he was just interested.
whatever – at least it worked out.

practice kind of sucked though, and thats a main part of my day, so overall average day.
hopefully getting work done fast tonight and getting to bed bc ive been doing nothing and getting to bed late.
anti-stress, anti-tired, = anti-pulling

sorry i know this is a long post but one more thing!
for the scholarship they said i have to pick my top 5 school for my application and if offered a scholarship i can choose from there. this freaked me out at first bc i have 17 schools im considering which i know is a shitton but when i wrote it all down it was pretty easy to narrow down and with a visit to 2 states, i can finalize everything. i just need to figure out when i can do that…

Hi FF, nice to have u back :) and thanx for ur encouragement. good that u are honest with urself. Above all, is it not a better feeling to share some of ur inner secrets with someone you trust. am glad that u have a known friend here.

My “day 1” was fine until I suddenly had this “anxiety attack” – (or thats what I have diagnosed it to be ) in the afternoon for 2 hrs straight and after that I tied the bandana and got to work and till now I have not pulled again. But since 2 hrs were at its peak, with much heavy heart, I have renounced the “day 1 title” for today.

Hopefully tomorrow I shd be fine.

Lets see.

hey! so it looks like im back too. i told the first person ever about my account on this site and she made one too. i really want to get this and i have been avoiding all sites even dailystrength.com, i dont really know why though.

i really want to get this and am so ready to conquer.

today is day 9.. but its with an ish. because technically i did pull last night but im not one to start over when i dont really mean to pull. so i want to stick with day 9, because i believe that will help me the most.. just trying to be honest though.

hi frens

am back after a long time and am a lil disappointed that no one’s really active here, but nevertheless that should not be an excuse for me to reembark on this mission..

its been over an year since I had joined this site and group and when I look at myself, I feel that I was better off then.. which means as time passes by things are only getting worse.. so from today I had decided to take this upon myself and give it one more shot..

starting from now..

wish me luck!

i havent been on this site in a ridiculously long time and i actually have been avoiding it.. im sorry!

i think it was some kind of subconcious “i dont want to stress and deal with my goals” or something. or i didnt want to face the truth. im not really sure.

i have been finding a ton of support on dailystrength.com
i have the same username as this site on there and im in the beating trich group and i have a pull-free-athon going on in the discussion boards.

i hope everyone is doing well, it seems that everyone kind of left this site, came back, and left for a while again.

however the pattern seems that nobody seems to be doing too well. do you think this site has anything to do with it?
hopefully everything is good with you guys now.

i’ve told another good friend and she has been really there for me. love her.
also im working on college essays and a lot of the school staff is finding out about this. its scary as hell but it feels good that people finally know whats going on with me and where im coming from in who i am.

as usual, hoping this is it (last day 5).

but ive changed my perspective on some things (lately) and i hope it helps.
1. im telling myself that im not stopping pulling forever. just those 60 days! (how long it takes to grow back). then i can pull as much as i want, but hopefully by then i wont want to pull anymore
2. im breaking my day up into 3 parts or phases. i just like the word phase haha. school, practice, home. so if i have a bad day in one phase, its okay cause it starts over and i can have an amazing day in another. so i wont have that its an overall bad day outlook.
3. im trying to make each day the best day ever. its what you make it
4. i always think i will be truly happy when i defeat this. who is to say i havent defeated this?? im truly happy NOW and theres no reason for me to be sad. i love life and i love being alive.
5. no more wasting time. im giving up texting and facebook for 3 to 8 days (depends on if it works out) and so far i have broken it a few times but only for necessity and for a few minutes on fb then i regretted it but im not quitting just bc of that. its like pulling. why quit trying if you pull one hair? supposedly this is supposed to change your life. im still trying to force myself to find other productive things to do instead of other ways to waste time. it’ll get there.

good luck everyone