overcome depression and loneliness

it feels like i can’t control my own emotions.
My thinking is so spontaneous! is it like that with everyone?
i think something at one time and something completely different some other. Maybe i am losing my mind.

Sometimes i just want to end everything. just stop breathing. but i am scared to. and no i won’t kill myself…

why do i feel so insecure inside??? I feel like i NEED someone to protect me. sometimes i feel like just holding onto someone and crying.. crying for hours hours and hours. Why have i become like this. I’m tooooo clingy. i.e. if i ever get married .. my one will be having a really hard time with my clinginess. I feel scared inside. i don’t really have anyone else to cling to right now.. just my mom. but even then i don’t understand wht i am scared of ..its really weird….........

i tell myself maybe its just hormones.
chemical inbalances maybe?
maybe i’m just too stressed out because of school??

i cry so much. Atleast atleast ONCE a day i cry. i.e. everyday.
WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am so tired of living like this.

I need help.

I need to get over this and get full control of my heart.

I am having a terrible day..I am stressed cause I want to find a decent place to live and have more money and I want to be thinner…

why me? i have worked so hard at this, CBT, counselling, medication, meditation, yoga (was voluntarily teaching yoga), exercise..I do lots of things that are suppose to ‘help’ it but I still have it.

My depression was also worse when things were starting to look good for me. I lived in a nice place, could drive my mums car, had an interesting project and had money coming in, had an extremely good group of friends and had time to exercise/dance. However, that still wasnt enough for me and everyday i woke up and I didnt want to face the day. It felt like something was missing and i didnt know what.

I moved away from my so called good life to figure things out and to pursue another career which may make me happier. Unfortunately now I am suffering loss and am missing the life I use to have. This new career is a huge struggle and may not be even possible for me. The question is that I hope to god I will be happy when I get it, if I get it!

Perhaps I should be grateful for the fact that I am trying to fight this depression and that it is taking my life in interesting directions. The things that are my burdens may also be the things that save me.

Take for instance, when I was younger and I had social anxiety disorder. I think this disorder actually saved me because it meant that I never went to parties when there was a lot of drugs and underage drinking. I stayed clear of boys and I focused on my studies. Although I did wish I had more friends and was more popular, I became a stronger person on my own with good values. In some ways, I wish my social anxiety cotinued through university as I would have had less guy problems or alchohol problems.

So I guess, in some ways I am sort of happy that my life is a mess again and I am trying to figure it out. It would be dissapointing if my so called perfect life was easy to obtain and I was not happy when I got it. I have realised that my happiness is in my struggles rather than my victories because I usually dont like celebrating them for too long anyway.

stupid people in this world .. make me depressed.
I should learn not to be hurt by sluts and bitches out there!
I get depressed even when i come across sick scenes or slutty scenes shown in the movie (which i FAST FORWARD!) but even then… all this affects me so much! I should learn to have faith in me and my character. Though this world is fully comprised of PURE SHIT .. i should be strong enough to not kill myself inside due to the shit or start becoming like one of them. I am different and i want to be different. I want to think good, i want to remain pure, i value different things, my love, my values, my character, my beliefs, my faith, my attitude..everything is different and always will be. Forget the shit and become an achiever who has no feelings whatsoever about this shit world. Rise so high that this shit is way too far from you. STUDY STUDY STUDY .. get yourself out of this.

I don’t know what other people think or what they like or whatever.. but message to SLUTS AND PIMPS OUT THERE:: KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE THIS WILL DEFINITELY HELP MAKE THIS EARTH MORE HEAVENLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for some reason i feel depressed again today…...
more than depressed its a feeling of emptiness. My future looks so dark .. i don’t know what i will be, what i will do and how i will do it. ahhh STOP.

i don’t know why but i feel very depressed almost all the time. It’s like stuck with me. I actually have a very loving family i.e. loving parents and a brother. i love them lots! but i still feel lonely. loneliness is in the heart and it just doesn’t go away. Sometimes i suffer so much from depression that i can’t concentrate on school and studies and end up getting bad grades which in turn makes me more depressed. I am 20 and am suffering from low self esteem and faith. I know praying helps and so does exercise. I try to get myself tired by working out but i don’t know, loneliness still exists. I am not happy. It’s true i am blessed and very very fortunate than alot of people living in this world… but inside i feel some hollowness, something that feels can swallow me right up. This is the time i should work the hardest yet i waste so much time. I don’t seem to understand myself and just want peace in mind. I feel like i am too deep .. so deep that no one understands me. Don’t get me wrong.. i am not a person who is ungrateful and just keeps complaining. I love my parents and my mom is my best friend and the only closest friend that i had since childhood. But you can only tell something to someone to some extent right. and sometimes even she doesn’t understand me.. and when she is mad at me or anything i am even more lonely. the hollowness in my heart is becoming stronger each day and i am finding it hard to survive in this world. YES! I do have soo many people there for me (my family and relatives)and yes i am TRULY from all my heart very very grateful!!!!! but still that hollowness exists and it keeps breathing becoming stronger each day making me more miserable day by day. I don’t understand what i am seeking? maybe i want true love but it feels like it doesn’t exist. Too many movies can mess up your brain too.. what is love? ~ marriage, sleep together and have babies ~ and next repeat the process people have been doing for generations?????????!!!!! life feels so meaningless. ahhhhhhhhhh. *so hurt. maybe i expect too much of that person i want to be mine. i don’t know why i feel so restless and insecure. I just need to STOP these feelings and FOCUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whenever i am fed up of everything i think to myself that i will just live alone, not marry and just focus on work & study. But then i get scared thinking this just cause .. i think i might actually go crazy if i am all alone. i already feel half crazy by the time i will be 40 i might be in the mental asylum. NO i never went to a doctor or anything and i’m not diagnosed with anything. And no i am not going! i want to feel normal and i am . It’s just my depression cycles are way too unstable and sometimes i get too suicidal and very insecure. I just want to be able to overcome those feelings!
can anyone help!? is there anyone out there who feels the same way? please, if you can help please do!!! (and no stupid suggestions! ~ it’s better u don’t make any).

it’s wierd. seeing all of these entries and knowing i’m not the only one.

sdad

Nothing feels worse than being alone when surrounded by thousands of people. You can watch everyone around you with their friends, significant others, pets, whatever. Watch them smile and laugh. And you know that that’s not you. You know that you’re not going to the beach with those people over there, or going into that bar there; you’re going home. Alone. You’ll probably clean. Or organize your DVDs. Or do laundry. Something to pass the time.

People are always saying that you should accept yourself as you are and not care what everyone else thinks. What they don’t realize is that they are the hypocrites who sit there and criticize you about the way you look, the music you like, the friends you have, etc. How do you expect me to brush off all of those hurtful remarks when everyone keeps bringing it up? People just suck…