Get over the wall

I feel like i have so much to make up for. Many years. And trying to figure out what went wrong. It really hurts to think about, but I know I have to figure it out, resolve it.

Once I get through it though, I am not looking back. This is it. Then my life is mine… no more distraction, nothing holding me back and keeping me. And no more ruminating.

I have found that, no matter how negative my thoughts may be at the moment, they will fade if I stick with a diversion for 15-20 minutes. I had gotten discouraged in my cycling through bad thoughts and moods, not knowing that getting out of them was just a mater of time, patience and determination.

Only two options: Ruminate, or forge ahead the best I can.

No matter how positive I try to be, I can’t pretend that this doesn’t bother me. I can’t gloss over it, because a lot of the stuff I’m dealing with now is a direct result of my mother’s indifference and distance when I was a kid. So, things aren’t all OK. But- there is a sense of hope in admitting that. If I were to smile and put on a false front I would not be very authentic, and the whole point of this goal is about finding my authenticity.

I am seeing a new challenge though… this is not easy. I think the only solution, ultimately, is to give this all up- this living in the past trying to get what I needed back then. I know it’s senseless, it’s almost like what we think about ghosts, haunting the places they lived, because they have some loose ends to take care of, unfinished business. There is something mechanical about that, unconscious. Dead. The challenge is to wake up from that compulsion and find a better way, one that is more conscious.

I’ll have to own up to reality- that I’m just never going to have that. I will have to find suitable substitutes for that. It’s the only way. Besides, putting it all to rest and having a life is more fun :-)

I know I’m thinking too much- another compulsion. But then, it’s all part of “breaking the ropes.”

Jump into experience while you are alive!

If you don’t break your ropes while you’re alive,

do you think

ghosts will do it after?

—Kabir

One of the times that this tends to happen is when I get back from vacation, esp when I’ve been around family. And then, back to the job, trying not to let it suck me in again.

But, I am very aware of this pattern now. Before I would mindlessly go along with it. But I really don’t want that old habit any more.

So, I feel frustrated, discouraged, and sad today. I feel a little helpless. But I won’t retreat; I will look at it this time. I feel sad, and I’m OK with that. If I refrain from losing my head, I can take a look and understand why I feel this way. Then, I can be OK with it.

All I have to do is commit.

I am back from a three-day weekend at the lake with my family, and the first day back is always hard. I had such a good time, made great memories. I got a lot of exercise, relaxation, excitement, fun. I even got some good work done on my screenplay.

And still it tends to make me a bit sad. It seems like I almost get to the point of establishing something with my family, and then I have to go back to life. But I had a lot of time to think, bobbing out in the middle of the lake in the kayak. I really feel like I settled some things, resolved to do things better and stick to these resolutions. Last time I got back from the lake I fell apart. This time I could easily do that. But I learned from last time, and now I want something better. I want to hold on and really try.

I believe I’ve resolved things about my mother as best as they are going to be. I don’t know how much of it was about her and how much me, and I don’t think I’ll ever know that. I think it’s safe to say that I’m not entirely wrong, I have valid complaints… but there’s an equal possibility that I may have made more out of it than there was. Frustration and hurt at a young age does not lead to very rational behavior.

It really does scare me to think that we may have become totally estranged, and it would have been my fault. (That’s not entirely true- I keep putting all the responsibility on me, when mom could be making more of an effort too.)

But then, I am so lucky. I’m lucky because I took a few tentative steps to come back. And that led to more steps. I wised up. I became a responsible adult thinking about others instead of herself. Maybe a little late in life, but it’s not too late at all.

In any case, the past wasn’t perfect, but it gave me enough. All that is important now is doing the absolute best I can to have a good relationship with all of my family, as a strong adult. And making myself happy and strong is an important part of that. If I am happy then everything else rises- including my relationships. If I’m happy, then I have happiness to give to people I care about. I owe it to my parents to work hard, to try, to let go of everything that’s holding me back from this.

So, I will continue to work at it every day, making sure I do not stray so far as I had in the past. I will make a much better effort to stay connected to my family.

But there is still this wall. This goal is not done yet.

from my therapy session last night: My head is so full of resentment, etc that the good things that I do are no match for it. They just burn up and vaporize like paper being dropped into a volcano. My therapist liked it to having a full plate- filled with negative things, and there is no room to put positive things.

So, I have to figure out how to clear it all out. Blank slate. There is no other way. I can’t make any progress with these bulldogs in my head chasing everything away.

Some people need to prove how unforgivably wronged they were by a loved one by continuing to suffer. This is not a conscious intention. Meanwhile, the other person is most likely oblivious or plain indifferent to their suffering.

from the book my therapist recommended:

If you want a surefire way to fail in your relationships, just dig your heels in and refuse to work with the person until they shape up.